Wrapping Up the 'Goodbyes'

It's been a long week of wonderful, laughter-filled, and simultaneously awkward moments. At the end of every evening the 'goodbyes' were different this time, a little more definite, that much more difficult, and prolonged until enough courage was mustered to follow through. 

Goodbyes are hard, they're emotional, people tend to cry and awkwardly laugh to make it less difficult. Goodbyes are exhausting, the more you say it, the more real the "end" becomes. Goodbyes are reassuring, and I will never regret saying them! Goodbyes let the people that you are leaving know they matter, goodbyes tell them you love them, and that goodbye doesn't really mean "goodbye" but "i'll be seeing you". Goodbyes leave nothing unfinished. 

Tomorrow is Monday, and at exactly 12:51pm I will have twenty-four hours left in Eugene. Another twenty-four hours of everything that has been familiar to me for the last decade. Twenty-four hours before Los Angeles becomes home for an indefinite amount of time. Twenty-four hours. One thousand, four hundred and fourty minutes. Eighty-six thousand, four hundred seconds. One day. One day to change my mind. One day to change my life forever.

Vulnerability Is A Bitch

a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. b. Susceptible to attack c. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.

"It's 3am...." -Hilarie Burton (savvy?)

Occasionally I find it ironic when someone you have never met seems to be inside your head! Case in point, Hilarie Burton's latest blog posting on SoGoPro.com. (if you still haven't checked it out please do!) 

(and i quote)..."3am. Insomnia is a bitch, my friends. But even as tired as I am, there's something mystical about being up when the whole rest of the world is dreaming. The quiet is pure and you have to really know yourself to be able to sit around in all that silence. There was a time when I would play the radio or leave TVs on, just to have distracting racket to keep me from being too much in my head.

"But right now......things are good right now." (this isn't even half the blog, so again, please go read the rest of it!)

(here was my comment...)

3am would be considered a "normal" bedtime for me, however most people who know me are trying to tell me its anything but that. And its true, to be awake when the rest of those living in my time zone are sleeping takes a subtle strength that I think we sometimes take for granted.

Dave Tyson Gentry said, "True friendship comes when silence between two people is comfortable."  I believe this saying also holds true for being comfortable with ourselves. Not everyone can do it. 

My favorite time of the day is the hours when everyone else is sleeping (dont get me wrong, I love the hours when the rest of the world is awake too!). Those quiet, uninterrupted moments are the ones when I am most creative, and therefore most productive when it comes to what I love to do, write. They're also the moments that I am free to get lost in a good book with a blanket and a cup of tea. 

I am glad that staying up to an "ungodly" hour came with breaths of fresh air and excitement for you Hilarie! I'm also glad that I am not the only one! ;p

xo

Brandi

Hilarie, in her blog, also mentions the winter being the hardest season of creativity because of her love of the sun and all the green that the warmer months bring. I love the sun, afterall I am moving to LA, so if I don't then I'm in trouble, however there's something about the winter that speaks to me. Everything, on the outside looks...dead, almost. Stores close earlier, the sun sets sooner, there aren't any leaves on the trees, or flowers growing up through the cracks in the pavement. Life seems to be at a standstill for the most part. People are driven indoors where it's warm and dry. And it's during this season that I love to breathe life into the lifeless so to speak. Nothing will ever take the place of the inspiration that I receive from the sun beaming on my face and life in full swing around me, but I can say the same for that of winter as well.

I Cant Break it to My Heart

if its okay/ill leave the bed light on/and place your water glass where it belongs/and if its alright/ill lie awake at night/pretending i am curled up at your side

see im circling in these patters/living out of memories/im still a long way from accepting it/that theres just no you and me

but if i still believe you love me/maybe ill survive/so i tell myself youre coming home/like youve done a million times/and if its alright/ill still be loving you/cause i cant break it to my heart

is it just me/or did i commit a crime/i wont believe that loving you/was just a waste of time/or was it in my head/reading into things you never said

cause i still dont have the answers/to why we couldnt work it out/i wanna think its something that i did/so i can turn it back around

and nothing will come between us/i wanna convince myself/were perfect in every single way/as long as i can keep the truth away/from my heart/oh cause i cant break it to my heart

i havent lost the love of my life, so i didnt know why this song seemed to know exactly how i was feeling...

notice i said 'didnt know'. i do now.

ive had this song on repeat for days...

i close my eyes and see myself living out the exact four minutes of this song over and over again. im the girl without the answers. and what i cant tell my heart is that nothing will ever be the same. everyday is this silent fight to keep my heart from the truth. every day is a fight to let go in such a way that my heart doesnt notice. every time i think im close to accpeting things i realize i couldnt be more unprepared.

i look at pictures and my hands shake.

i come to a stoplight and get lost in a memory only to be abruptly pulled away by the honking of a horn.

every flashback im on the verge of tears but they never spill over. part of me is grateful because im not ready to say goodbye. the rest of me wants to cry until i have no more tears just so im not here anymore.

i feel trapped in a fog and everyone is a silhouette, a mere shadow of who they should be, who they were, who i need them to be.

i keep telling myself that the last six months have all been a bad dream, and that ill wake up to everything and more importantly everyone as they should be. im still waiting to wake up. the further i head into my future the more out of reach my past becomes, though i try to convince myself differently. i cant break it to my heart.

by default time will do it for me

every time like the first time

you never forget the first time you get stung by a bee and no matter how many stories you hear its hard to imagine something that small can hurt so much...but it does.

you never forget the second time you get stung(or the times after that)either. why? because it hurts just as much as your first brush with a stinger and while you think it would be something you body would acclimate to, it doesnt.

heart break is the same way. no matter how many times your heart breaks it hurts just as much as the very first time. and only time truly takes the throbbing away.

"...waiting was a thing id had tons of experience doing." The Secret Life of Bees

it doesnt work unless you do it all the way

so as many of you know(at least those reading this), my life has been a little drama-saturated over the last few months. every time i felt like i was nearing the end something else seemed to appear like magic to take its place...rather annoying actually! anyway, i had a friend facebook me and point out that a particular situation just doesnt seem to add up! and he would be correct it doesnt. and in the course of my pondering that fact, the light bulb came on...

the funny thing about surrender is that it truly is an 'all or nothing' scenario. you either give it all up or you dont because a half-hearted surrender isnt surrender at all. its a headache and a lot of maintanence! not worth it if you ask me! what i realized tonight was that if i am surrendering my "right" to fix a problem, then i am also surrendering my "right" to vent my frustration about it. if i am absolutely sure that there is nothing i can do and nothing that, at this point, im suppose to do then what possible good can come from getting all heated about it! my conclusion...NONE. there is absolutely no point to getting all worked up about something that you can do nothing about. so just dont do it! 

trust me, its a waste of time.

100 things to do in 2010 (#35-67)

35) go to new york for new years

36) get involved with the LA dream center

37) go to a lakers game

38) sleep on the beach
39) have a pillow fight

40) go to a drive in theater

41) donate blood

42) by a stranger a meal at a restaurant

43) double the number of songs on my ipod (5842/3275)

44) learn to make chicken adobo the way grandma does

45) write more actual letters

46) get a calendar and actually use it

47) let go of the past(hopefully it doesnt take all year)

48) help someone else find the greatness in themself

49) take pictures with all of the characters at disneyland

50) create my own website

51) sign up with a modeling agency

52) go rock climbing

53) see the grand canyon

54) be apart of a studio audience

55) rediscover what my natural hair color is (i don't like it!)

56) see my grandparents baptized

57) see the house my dad grew up in

58) drive a jaguar

59) play on the worship team

60) have an indoor shopping cart race

61) climb a palm tree

62) memorize twenty bible verses (0/20)

63) record a song ive written

64) get a dog

65) get a tan

66) right a book review

67) finish this list

let the end begin

its funny the things that dawn on you when you least expect them. i was at church this morning and ran into a few friends that i wasnt expecting to see. i had mere moments to seize the opportunity to say goodbye or quietly slipe away. i chose to say goodbye. three separate time. three separate shocked expressions. three equally difficult "ill be seeing you's". my mom asked me if it was getting harder and i said yes. she told me she could tell.

they say that in near death experiences you see your life flash before your eyes and that when you get married you see your life in someone elses eyes. but you dont hear people talk about seeing their lives in the faces of those they see everyday. those they work alongside. those whove always been there and i think its because were not concerned with hainging onto the memories until one day were faced with the possibility of not making anymore. and for this reason i hate goodbyes.

but with only a week and a half until the big day i cant pretend anymore. i cant pretend its not going to change and i cant not say goodbye, with as much as i hate them i would hate parting without one more. 

"stop ignoring that our hearts are mourning and let the rain come in. stop pretending that its not ending and let the end begin." _kris allen "the truth"

Its #17 on the list...

on my list of 100 things to do in 2010 (which is unfinished, so maybe i should add finishing it to the list) #17 is to read twenty-five books. so heres my list of books:

1) the secret life of bees by sue monk kidd

2) the year of the fog by michelle richmond

3) a room with a view by e.m forster

4) the pillowman by martin mcdonagh

5) the man who laughs by victor hugo

6) jo's boys by louisa may alcott

7) little men by louisa may alcott

8) nobodys boy by hector malot

9) the idiot by dostoyevsky

10) persuasion by jane austen

11) wuthering heights by emily bronte

12) under the lilacs by louisa may alcott

13) tunneling to the center of the earth by kevin wilson

14) dandelion wine by ray bradbury

15) the ballad of the sad cafe by carson mccullers

16) the heart is a lonely hunter by carson mccullers

17) wise blood by flannery oconnor

18) beloved by toni morrison

19) fahrenheit 451 by ray bradbury

20) the canterbury tales by geoffrey chaucer

21) the doll in the garden by mary downing hahn

22) twilight by william gay

23) the glass harp by truman capote

24) the mysteries of udolpho by ann radcliff

25) the song is you by arthur phillips

(in the event i read all 25 before the year is over i will read from the following list)

26) provinces of night by william gay
27) the awakening by kate chopin
28) anne of green gables by lucy maud montgomery

29) dead(ish) by naomi kramer
30) hide in plain sight by marta perry
31) eat pray love by elizabeth gilbert
32) bradbury stories by ray bradbury

It Almost Feels Wrong...

Ever get so use to that feeling of darkness and gloom that when you find yourself smiling for no reason it feels foreign, almost wrong even? In my mind it should be the other way around, because...well just because. Gloom, pain, heartache, those should be the emotions that are foreign to us, not joy and happiness. 

Lately I find myself fighting...myself to be happy or to let go of the pain and sadness. Now thats not to say that Im depressed, Im just very comfortable with this lightweight, lingering ache. It keeps my heart feeling something and in a potentially morbid way keeps my pen inspired. I write when im happy(or joyful)I just dont think that I enjoy it as much. And my fascination with the gloomy feeling only becomes a problem when I have to convince myself that feeling joyful and smiling for no reason it totally normal, because it doesnt feel normal...at all...not to me. I think Ive just gotten use to never getting a break from the storm that now I dont want one. 

But I do...want a break.

I think Im just afraid, because the moment that I open myself up its going to be a big deal. There will be no turning back...what if it doesnt work? What if the idea of life being that wonderful is just that, an idea? My heart believes that spending your life smiling just because can and does exist. My mind is the skeptical one because it remembers all the times life has fallen short of that. I keep telling them both that one day theyre going to have to agree on something, Im crossing my fingers they agree to be happy!

Im rather fond of smiling for no reason. I definitely think I could get use to it.

A Night Full of Fresh Music

"let me fall" bethany joy galeotti

"i cant break it to my heart" delta goodrem

"these days" chantal kreviazuk

"someone like me" atomic kitten
"my skin" natalie merchant

"beautifully broken" ashlee simpson

"over it" anneliese van der pol

"elsewhere" sarah mclaughlin

"crazy girls" bethany joy galeotti

"sing teresea says" greg laswell

"oldest story in the world" the pilmsouls
"good vibrations" gym class heroes

Come Take A Walk With Me

i took a walk today and i never moved beyond the four walls of my storage unit. im not taking it all with me, not yet anyway, and i dont want to store it all, so i went through it all, box by box.

i found things i couldnt believe i still had, random gifts from friends that i could help but laugh at. countless pictures of embarrassing moments i would rather forget, but i keep them around so i dont. and the further i dove into my past the more i realized how far ive come. how much ive learned. how much ive grown up. i recognized the pieces of me that i left behind so that other parts of me could grow stronger. i skimmed through old notebooks and laughed awkwardly at myself and the way i use to write. i reflected on the "good old days" and remembered that God promises its only going to get better(and i consider my past a tough act to follow). 

my walk was bitter sweet, but more sweet moments that bitter ones littered it. i have a painfully beautiful and blessed history. 

"and every tear that had to fall from my eyes, from everyday i wondered how id get through the night, from every change life has thrown me, im thankful for every break in my heart, im grateful for every start, some pages turned, some bridges burned, but there were lessons learned." carrie underwood

Season of Change

Last night I was making a mental list of all the things that I need to do before I leave for LA, and then it hit me. It was like suddenly the emotion side of me realized I was moving and the intellectual side of me wasnt ready for the reaction! I knew that I hadnt fully processed this decision yet, that my emotions needed to play catch up, I just thought it wouldnt happen until I was on the plane(and couldnt change my mind).

Ive always been the type to have fairly good control over my emotions. Im a lot like my mom, level headed, strong-willed(aka stubborn), a thinker. Not that I dont feel, I just dont operate best in that capacity. If I dont overthink something then I run the risk of letting my emotions get the best of me, and when that happens I am almost literally incapable of doing anything. (and Im not sure why I just said all of that.) Needless to say, last night was rough. My emotions kicked in and I had little time to decide what I was going to do. My options were I either let my emotions have control, which would mean that moving day would come and I wouldnt be ready at all, or I process through my emotions as thoroughly(and quickly)as I could to avoid incapacitation! I chose the latter, found a quiet place in the house, cozied up with my ipod and journal, and poured it all out! I fessed up to the sadness of my move and leaving my family(and friends)behind. I owned the hurt from those whove decided that this is where we part ways(which hurts more than i want to admit). I, though slightly embarrassed, voiced all of my doubts, fears, and worries of the unknown and of my ability to succeed.

When all was said and done I felt like I could breathe easier!

Change is interesting...no matter how takes place it never seems to get any easier. I wonder what thats about?! (when I get an answer youll be the first to know.)

Its getting late(or way too early)so I will leave you with this:

"So when you get the chance
Are you gonna take it?
There's a really big world at your fingertips
And you know you have the chance to change it
There's a girl on the streets, she's cryin'
There's a man whose faith is dyin'
Love is calling you"

(Lost Get Found by Britt Nicole)

Whats Worth the Price is Always Worth the Fight

when youre young there are battles waiting for you that you can never imagine...when youre finally on the front lines you wonder how you got there...when did it get so hazy that you wound up here...

when youre young dreams seem to be easily attainable...theres nothing that is impossible...not when youre young...

as you grow up the world tries to curb this idea that all things are possible...as you grow up you realize that things are harder than you thought they might be...when you grow up you realize that some things are worth fighting for...and that others are not...

as you grow up you struggle with learning to know the difference...you struggle with finding yourself in a world littered with false identities...you grasp onto the closest thing that you believe will hold you up...and then you watch that also come undone...

God was very clear about one thing...you were worth the price...

you are worth the blood that Christ sweat...you are worth the weight He bore when He died on the cross...you are worth the mocking comments...the anguish...the experience of for a brief time not hearing His Father...you are worth the tears...you are worth the pain...and though He doesnt have to He would do it all again...

when we grow up we begin to decide who or what is worth fighting for...the reasons behind our fight varies...because we dont want to be alone...because its the right thing to do...because walking away would hurt more...out of self preservation...out of fear...out of hurt...out of love...

sometimes we have to spend a while fighting before we understand that we werent suppose to fight to begin with...we have to look at the fact that our motivation was selfish...that what we did was ever meant to change anything...that sometimes its better to do nothing than something...

when we decide what to fight for we decide which side to stand on...and there really only are two sides...the side of truth...and the side of lies...defending the side of lies will bring instant gratification...defending the truth, though may take longer to see the fruit of...will always win...look in the back of the book...i did...

theres truthfully not much in this world worth the fight...not when we cant take anything with us...whats the point of holding onto it...?...i can only think of two things that i would fight for...the souls of the lost who have yet to find their way home...and for the return of the prodigal sons and daughters...those who have tasted Gods grace and then decided to go their own way...

if im not fighting for either of these things then i am fighting in vain...

the certain heartache...the great measure of patience...the countless hours spent on your knees...the tears and the sweat...the sleepless nights...the restless days...the doubt that fights as hard as the reassurance...the joy in the midst of the pain...the peace in the middle of all the chaos...seeing others through the eyes of their Creator...feeling the heart that He has for His beloved...the waiting...

whats worth the fight is always worth the price...

you can never go wrong with investing into the Kingdom of God...

ive been commissioned to do so...

and im ready...

100 songs to save your life

Music always helps, no matter what youre going through! So if you dont get the part you auditioned for or you have a really bad fight with your best friend or you just miss someone so bad it hurts, theres always something out there. There will always be something ready to tell you that you are understood, and that its okay. (now i would probably not survive on one hundred songs alone, but i do have one hundred songs that i cant live without. maybe someday i will give you the entire list at once, but for now i will leave you with these...)

Ocean Wide -Addison Road

Grey Skies -Alexa Wilkinson

Safe -Britt Nicole

Lessons Learned -Carrie Underwood

Were Young and Beautiful -Carrie Underwood

Roll Your Windows Down -Casey Shea

Salt in the Snow -The Classic Crime

Pictures of You -The Cure

Permanent -David Cook

Better With You -Five Times August

How to Save a Life -The Fray

Here in Your Arms -Hellogoodbye

A Woman Needs -Jessica Harp

Sweet Silver Lining -Kate Voegele

Paris -La Rocca

Say Hey -Michael Franti

Always Love -Nada Surf

Turn it Off -Paramore

I Taught Myself How to Grow Old -Ryan Adams

So Please -Starlume

Let that Be Enough -Switchfoot

Wake Up Exhausted -Tegan and Sara

Hey Soul Sister -Train

Goodbye Again -Vertical Horizon

War Sweater -Wakey! Wakey!

How Do You Dream -9 Ball

Do I Have to Pick Just One?

I read this blog written by Hilarie Burton called "Many Best Friends". (if you havent read it and would like to go to www.sogopro.com and click on "blogs". you wont regret it.) She opens the blog with this statement:

"I have a lot of best friends. People tend to tease me about this habit. Some say you can only have one best friend. But my life has been so divided up into separate little chapters, that it's hard to pick just one. It's a little like trying to pick your favorite film or book character of all time. I mean, what kinda book are we talking about??? Biography? I'm a sucker for Edna St. Vincent Millay or Carson McCullers. Novel? The Spaulding brothers in Dandelion Wine. Or Heathcliff in Wuthering Heights. Or hell, I'm still a geek for Anne of Green Gables. I can't pick. Same goes for my friends."

Do you ever have that problem? You know the one where someone asks you to name your favorite movie and you name off your top five because you cant pick just one? Or you name your top movie according to genre? So where then did this notion came from, that we can name only one "best friend" and that everyone else comes in at a close second? Honestly, if we cant name our all time favorite movie should we be able to narrow down our "best friend" to one person? I think not! A "best friend" is not that one person that you happen to stumble upon and for the rest of your lives theyre right next to you(though that does hold true for some). People come into your life and will either stay for a time or stay for life. Regardless of the length that time isnt wasted and shouldnt be taken for granted!

I lost touch with my best friend from the second grade. But I have the pictures and the notes that proves she existed! I recently got back in touch with my best friend from high school, and its like we never missed a day even though its been a few years! I have a best friend now! And you may be asking what makes them the best in their own right, and heres the answer. A "best friend" is someone that brings out the best in you and drives you to be the best version of yourself. I don't think that's a one man job, for anyone. Some will need your compassion above everything else you have to offer, while others will need your determination or your courage. Each of them saw something in me worth believeing in and that faith remains unmatched!

Hilarie goes on to say, "...I have made more best friends in different places. And in my opinion, that doesn't diminish the importance of any of the friendships that came before."

Life happens, we move away, we grow up and/or grow apart, but that doesnt change the fact that they were there, with you when you needed them the most. The majority of the people that are in my life now werent a decade ago, and those who were ten years ago arent now. Life happens. Yet, it's good for the soul, both yours and those you talk to, to take time and recognize the "bests" in your life. You can never go wrong with remembering how blessed you are and being thankful for that!

Hilarie ends her blog with this..."If your friend isn't "The Best" then what's the point??"

There is no point. Now there is a difference between being the "best" and being "perfect". I dont have any perfect friends(and if youre looking for one im sorry), but I do have the very best friends in the world! They tell me the truth when I dont want to hear it and hold me while I'm falling apart. They make me laugh when I've spent all night crying and tell me it's going to be okay even when it isnt. "We (both) laugh really loud and rant and go off on tangents and LOVE it."  I couldnt have chosen better friends if I had been able to hand pick them myself.

My "best" will always be "them". It will always be plural. 

Go Have Yourself A Listen...Really Do It Now!

*Hey Soul Sister* ~Train

*Permanent* ~David Cook

*Country Road* ~Jack Johnson

*Hurtful* ~Erik Hassle

*A Woman Needs* ~Jessica Harp

*Benediction* ~Joshua James

*In the Middle* ~Joshua James

*Behind Your Eyes* ~Jon Foreman

*So Please* ~Starlume

*Empty Apartment* ~Yellowcard

Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself

I started reading "The Secret Life of Bees" last night. They say the best writers never stop reading and I suppose that's true, because can you really create something worth the appreciation of others if you yourself have never learned to appreciate it? I love to write, but fell in love with the written word through reading it. And I pray the day never comes where my love for it ceases. Do you ever find that in reading a book the author has pulled a piece  of your life into the story they're telling? You read one sentence or a short phrase and thought that they've explained a part of your soul better then you ever could? I've read through the first three chapters and here are a few things Sue Monk Kidd said better than I ever would have.

"The way those bees flew, not even looking for a flower, just flying for the feel of the wind, split my heart down to it's seam."

"People who think dying is the worst thing don't know a thing about life."

"This is what I know about myself. She was all I wanted. And I took her away."

"I felt half the time I was impersonating a girl instead of really being one."

"You put his brain in a bird and the bird would fly backward."

"The sound had torn through the room and gouged out our hearts."

"I wanted to lie down in the orchard and let it hold me."

"When the night hit my face I felt like laughing."

"...and that was the strangeness of it, how a small sound like that could fall across the whole world."

That may seem like an extensive list for only three chapters but I've come to find that if it speaks to you then let it speak for you. You don't have to try to put it into your own words. As a writer we love to tell the story that no one else can.

SINCERELY ANONYMOUS

You want the world to see it but you don't want them to know it's you.

Your blog or podcast doesn't have your name or face on it because you
don't want the public to know you by your pain. You hide behind an
alias that describes your mental state and a picture that speaks a
thousand foreign words. Your pain wears a mask and your mask is pain.

But what do you do when something good happens, something unexpected,
something right?! You want to tell the world that story but can you be
yourself with this one? Does it feel fake to only authenticate the
good with your signature? A life full of "happy" is usually

overcompensating for the misery. You dont want to own the pain so you
can't own the relief. You try to outrun the ache and rush through the
blessing.

 

Sincerely
Anonymous

Ever Play the 'Alternate Reality" Game?

i was born in california and wonder what life would be life if i hadnt moved. im the oldest sibling and wonder how things would be if i wasnt. my parents are still married and i wonder how i would feel if they werent. i use to cut myself and wonder if i would still be here if i hadnt stopped. ive been a Christian since i was six and wonder who i would be without God.

and on top of all that wondering i wonder if wondering about the life i never had even matters? is anyone with me?! i mean, you cant miss what you never had, not really anyway!

the way i see it is the life i wonder about isnt the life i was suppose to have and i should be grateful that my parents arent divorced and that im still alive! sometimes i think that by, even slightly, wishing for the life i never had im telling God He doesnt know what Hes doing. and truth be told, if i had that life i probably still wouldnt want it.

i guess with all of this what im trying to say is that for those of you who are fortunate enough to have been spaired from the unfortunately common hurts of this world, dont take it for granted. dont ask why your life has been spaired that heartache, just be thankful! and for those whos lives have been riddled with tragedy, i promise you theres a reason. some are strong enough to find their way out of that darkness while others need to be carried out. your triumph through the heartache brings hope to those who feel that hope doesnt exist!

She Loved Me First

thats been a long running joke between my best friend and i. i would tell her that i loved her and her reply would be "i loved you first" to which we would both laugh. (and heres the story as  to why she claims that;p)

we were assigned to counsel together at camp harlow in eugene, oregon. we didnt know each other. i remember going to the womens dean after our staff meeting and asking if i could work with someone else, she said no. well over the course of that week we got to know each other(even swapped stories of our best friends)and working together wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. at the end of the week we were in the cabin getting ready for the next activity and out of no where she asks me if we were going to continue to be friends after the week was over. only a heartless person would say no, so i said yes(all the while thinking 'who asks that?'). but im glad she asked that question! God knew what He was doing. it was such an innocent moment, one i will never forget.

and there you have it, my best friends justification for loving me first, and i agree with her. who knows what wouldve happened had she not asked.

Music Makes Me HAPPY!!!!!

so i downloaded the cd "one percent for the planet, the music volume one" (quite a little title i might add) off of itunes yesterday! ive listened to all fourty-one songs and during those few hours i discovered something. MUSIC MAKES ME HAPPY! now because im a musician that should seem like a no brainer, but its not and heres why. music always produces an emotion, and not always a happy one, but even if im sad, angry, or contemplative, music still makes me happy. and more so makes me feel alive! and ill never get tired of that feeling! so ill never get tired of music! its wonderful!

The Hardest Part

want to know the hardest part about not living with your best friend anymore? (for me anyway)its going from talking to her everyday to hardly talking at all, and if you know mw then you know the way to my heart is intentional conversation! small talk doesnt cut it. its like we went from being best friends to strangers overnight(and maybe someday ill explain why, but thats not today).

i never thought about what it would be life to lose that feeling, that freedom, of having someone know you better than the rest of the world. i never thought i would lose that safety, but that it would grow as time went on and i got married. but just over a month ago some words were said and shattered that safety. i wasnt alone in picking up the pieces, my friends and my family kept me from drowning, but when that one person thats always been there suddenly isnt, its hard to make all the other helping hands count.

i cried a lot. i cursed a lot. i questioned a lot. i still question. i wonder what my best friend misses, if anything. i wonder if she wants to tell me, but is too afraid, because i am(thats why im telling you. i need to tell someone). i dont want to tell her that i miss her because in the last month the times i have she hasnt said it back. i dont want to tell her i need her because im afraid she wont be there. i called her while i was in LA, overwhelmed, and her number is the first on my speed dial, calling her was habit. i was crying and needed a shoulder i was comfortable with, but i couldnt bring myself to tell her. so i said goodbye and cried.

people keep telling me its going to get easier, and i believe you all, i do, i just wish you could start telling me when i can expect that to happen!

i miss having someone to laugh at the stupid things with. i miss having someone who knows what im thinking with one look. i miss having someone to get ready with for church, or dinner, or just a night out with friends. i miss getting frustrated at the amount of text messages im getting. i miss eating dinner at the dining room table. i miss watching friends. i miss the annoying reaccuring situations of us including the same pair of shoes in our outfit. i miss the notes written on the mirror(or the toilet). i miss getting 'good morning' text messages. i miss you being the first one to read something ive written. and best friend, if youre reading this, most of all i miss you!

Maybe Thats the Beauty of It

its suppose to be naked, real, honest. all the best is raw and unashamed to be gritty. even the pretty and soft are met with negativity. there was a point in my life, a few years past, where i was unafraid to bare my soul before a numberless audience. my words were harsh and cut throat, my message straightforward and unapologetic. (visit my myspace and see for yourself.) some may read my history and think i was in a very dark place and perhaps thats the truth, but not all of it. i just didnt put my feelings in a box. i wasnt afraid to admit i was a mess. i wanted you to know what was going on even if i didnt say it to your face. somewhere along the way, somehow, my fear to be that open and vulnerable grew. and now everything i log into online is under an alias because im not sure i want the world to know its me. is my subconscious admitting that theres something wrong with me? or am i afraid thats what someone will tell me? i read other peoples blogs and commend them for being real, blatant, (even vulgar)...but what im truly commending you for is having the courage i lack. i use to be that comfortable in my skin, and i dont know what happened. in becoming who i am i left behind part of who i was that i shouldnt have. i left behind the part of me that wasnt afraid to write it regardless of whether or not it sounded pretty. now i find myself trying to dress everything up and it makes writing hard. i think i want so badly to bring life and hope to the world that i try to ignore the reality of death, and i dont mean physical death, but the death of love, joy, dreams, hopes, purpose. i cant bring the life of those things until i face the reality of the death in them. i try to make anguish, loneliness, and confusion poetic, but theres nothing poetic about them. i want you to be free of those things, not find an easier way to live with them. just because i can say it eloquently doesnt make the bleeding stop or the intensity of the ache lessen. i keep writing about the same things and its getting old, but i know why now. its because i keep trying to make everything less than what it is. now matter how pretty it sounds its still all been shot to hell. i have this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that im leading two lives. one wants everything to be okay and the other knows it isnt and doubts it will be. and i feel that way because im hiding behind stanzas that rhyme. maybe the girl that was unafraid to write of anger, bitterness, and an unyielding agony wasnt suppose to die, because that girl worked through it. she faced the darkness head on, called it out and overcame. that girl didnt make it easier to live with, she knew she didnt have to, and so she beat it. im just repetatively going through the motions. but its not always pretty...and just maybe, thats the beauty of it.

Well Adjusted...

         I moved around a lot as a youngster. I went to six(maybe seven) elementary schools and i didn't go to kindergarten. And no neither one of my parents are in the military. Looking back I feel like all the moving and having to make new friends constantly must have been trying on my little spirit. But I recently had a conversation with my mom about it and she said that I was the only one of us three kids that adjusted well. (which only means that my insecurities that I blamed on the moving are the product of something else, back to the drawing board I suppose)

        But hear I am moving to LA and I almost can't believe that I'm really doing it. I keeping wondering if I'm having some out of body experience because after all that moving I swore i'd never do it again. It's funny how things change. (sidenote: if you ever want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans.) I'm about to embark on the biggest change of my life in the last decade by myself. For those who graduated high school and left home for college...I'm not one of you. I went straight into working and I love what I do so it worked out well. (i'm a care provider for the elderly and developmentally disabled). But I seem to have this gift when it comes to writing the right words so I'm going to LA to see where that takes me.

        Writing is like breathing for me, just like making beautiful harmonies is for a musician! If I'm not writing, you better call the doctor because something is seriously wrong. I know what I'm capable of and I never cease to amaze myself with some of the things I put on paper(or a computer). Now I want to know what the world thinks. And I never thought I would come to the place where my excitement outweighed my fear, but here I am. On the precipice of the most life changing decision I've made in my entire life.

        Maybe my mom was right. I'm not worried about making friends or being alone, I'm worried about not getting lost as I navigate this enormous city and understanding those who don't speak fluent English, which is
pretty much everyone! Maybe I do adjust well and don't feel that way because all the stuff that makes me nervous is small in the grand scheme of things...and if I'm sweating the small stuff then I must be a basket case right?! (don't answer that!)

I Believe...

I believe in sleeping in
I believe in giving 100% when you only have 80% to give
I believe in love, and if its real its going to hurt
I believe in rocking out in the car alone
I believe in kisses on the forehead
I believe in smiling till your cheeks hurt, and laughing until you cry
I believe in having someone tell you that you're beautiful
I believe in God
I believe in swinging on swings and running in the rain
I believe in miracles and paying it forward
I believe in saying hello to anyone and everyone
I believe in forgiveness and second chances
I believe that 'please' and 'thank you' are necessary
I believe that wholly trusting someone is the biggest risk you'll ever take
I believe in living for the moment
I believe that a smile will save someone's life
I believe in being the person the world told you you couldn't be
I believe in telling your story the way you want it remembered
I believe every life has a soundtrack, it just needs to be found

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

is this a descent into madness?

I felt a funeral in my brain,
        And mourners, to and fro,
Kept treading, treading, till it seemed
        That sense was breaking through.

And when they all were seated,
        A service like a drum
Kept beating, beating, till I thought
        My mind was going numb.

And then I heard them lift a box,
        And creak across my soul
With those same boots of lead,
        Then space began to toll

As all the heavens were a bell,
        And Being but an ear,
And I and silence some strange race,
        Wrecked, solitary, here.

And then a plank in reason, broke,
        And I dropped down and down--
And hit a world at every plunge,
        And finished knowing--then--

The Day Is Done by Longfellow

The day is done, and the darkness
Falls from the wings of Night,
As a feather is wafted downward
From an eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village
Gleam through the rain and the mist,
And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me
That my soul cannot resist:

A feeling of sadness and longing,
That is not akin to pain,
And resembles sorrow only
As the mist resembles the rain.

Come, read to me some poem,
Some simple and heartfelt lay,
That shall soothe this restless feeling,
And banish the thoughts of day.

Not from the grand old masters,
Not from the bards sublime,
Whose distant footsteps echo
Through the corridors of Time.

For, like strains of martial music,
Their mighty thoughts suggest
Life's endless toil and endeavor;
And to-night I long for rest.

Read from some humbler poet,
Whose songs gushed from his heart,

As showers from the clouds of summer,
Or tears from the eyelids start;

Who, through long days of labor,
And nights devoid of ease,
Still heard in his soul the music
Of wonderful melodies.

Such songs have power to quiet
The restless pulse of care,
And come like the benediction
That follows after prayer.

Then read from the treasured volume
The poem of thy choice,
And lend to the rhyme of the poet
The beauty of thy voice.

And the night shall be filled with music
And the cares, that infest the day,
Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,
And as silently steal away.

100 things to do in 2010 (#1-34)

i keep reading lists from other people and so i figured i would give it a shot and write my own...here goes nothing...(mind you these are in no particular order)

1-get a tattoo

2-write a hit song

3-go surfing

4-write another book

5-get one of my books published

6-meet someone famous (evangeline lily)

7-go to nashville

8-go to wilmington, north carolina

9-bring the good news to my family

10-grow my hair out

11-bake

12-learn another language

13-go to a college football game

14-learn to read sheet music

15-learn to play the piano

16-discover a new band every week(65/52)

17-read twenty five books(12/25)

18-go to the zoo

19-go to six flags magic mountain

20-start running again

21-swim in the ocean

22-take more pictures

23-get a car

24-be an extra in a film

25-sing a song in front of an audience

26-learn to juggle

27-go snorkling

28-learn to swing dance

29-heal a broken heart

30-get in touch with an old friend Brandie Perkins

31-make a brand new friend Lisa Franzi & Cza Cza

32-run on the beach

33-go on a blind date

34-go to five concerts(2/5)

...well ive got the first thirty-four down which is a good start, maybe im not ambitious enough for 2010 to come up with all one hundred right now. or maybe this cant hold my attention for the moment. i think that the latter is closer to the truth. i guess you will just have to wait until later to see what the rest will be. ciao. 

Is the Coffee Really the Culpret?!

I was up late last night updating my blogs, both in posts and in appearance. And on top of that i was familiarizing myself with some new blogs that i decided to follow. Not thinking much of it, i continued to drink the cup of coffee i had well past the point i should have...til 3 am to be exact, and that was on top of the handful of chocolate covered espresso beans that i had already consumed. Boy was i a mess. I logged off just after three because my eyes werent focusing on the screen anymore. But once in bed i was wide awake. It was rather frustrating because my body was tired but my mind wasnt and it was awake doing absolutely nothing! Does this happen to anyone else? Normally caffiene doesnt effect me this way(maybe it isnt to blame at all), over the years ive built up an unhealthy high tolerance to it, but i cant think of what else couldve caused it. I operated all day on one and a half hours of sleep, i was sure that i would want a nap, especially with the weather the way it was today, but i never got there. Hopefully ill sleep tonight, i tend to get cranky if i go too long without any real sleep. If tonight is a repeat of last then pray for my family as tomorrow might not go well for them:)

These Streets Use to Know Me and I Them

walking these dark streets 

is like walking in someone elses shoes

these are distant streets 

from my vivid dreams

streets that are now unfamiliar

i had a life here

a place here

but that was way back then

and now thats gone

What to Say When Its too Late

Now bear with me for a second. What is our generations obsession with venting to the masses via the world wide web?! Now I'm not pointing fingers because I do it all the time(and am doing it now)but what happened to talking to actual people? Are psychiatrists going out of business yet? People are constantly telling completle strangers how frustrated they are or how sad they are or how in love they are. Am I the only one that finds it even just a little bit weird?! We have the hardest time telling that one guy/girl how much we need them or telling our best friend how much they hurt us and yet we can tell billions of strangers like it's no big deal. Podcasts, blogs, vlogs, they're everywhere and everyone has one or subscribes to one or both, I'm certainly guilty! And you'd think that with as much as I'm bitching that I hate this when that is the opposite of the truth!

 

I'm one of those who would rather tell a world full of strangers the truth than those who really need to hear it! It's easier!!! You don't have to see their faces or wait for a reaction, and even if they do respond it doesn't really matter because you weren't really talking to them anyway.Furthermore, and maybe I'm the only one that does this, but I find myself hoping that the person I really should be talking to is reading whatever I'm writing and will know that I'm talking to them so that I don't have to say it out loud. To their face. However it seems to be the case that the only person I want reading anything I write is the only person not and with no intention to. Go figure.But what do you do when telling the masses isn't satisfying anymore? You know what will remedy the situation, but do you dare take that step? In the past I have, and it didn't work out so well. Over time Ive become less brave I think. There are only so many times I want my heart to get broken, and I fulfilled that "quota" with the first time.I'm going to have to get over this, and so are all of you who hide behind a URL. We can't let it get to the point where it's too late to say it. I've been there too...it's not any better.

Rainy Day Melodies

1- HALLELUJAH _Allison Crowe

2- TEMPORARY HOME _Carrie Underwood

3- THE ADVENTURE _Angels and Airwaves

4- ALWAYS LOVE _Nada Surf

5- BLACKBIRD _Evan Rachel Wood

6- BROOKLYN _Wakey!Wakey!

7- CRACK THE SHUTTERS _Snow Patrol

8- DESTINY _Minnutes

9- FIX YOU _Coldplay

10- GRACE _Saving Jane

11- HIDE AND SEEK _Imogen Heap

12- BREATHE(2am) _Anna Nalick

13- I WILL WASTE MY LIFE _Misty Edwards

14- IRONIC _Alanis Morissette

15- INNOCENCE _Avril Lavigne

These artists make quite good company on a very chill afternoon!
Much love

The Resistance

At the end of the month I'm moving to Los Angeles, well techinically the beginning of next month but they're so close together what does it really matter?!:) (I just realized this is the firist time I'm saying it out loud and by 'out loud' I mean online.)

I've been hesitant to post anything about it anywhere, and not because I'm afraid to tell people, but because sometimes I let peoples opinions matter too much. I don't like to ruffle feathers if I don't have to(some of you may be thinking that this decision shouldn't ruffle feathers, and you may be right)but it already has!When I first started thinking about this move I thought about the people I knew who would be suportive without question, my college leaders, my family, one of my closest friends, and then I thought of those who wouldn't be. I was wrong about that list. The people I expected to doubt me, question me, and downright disapprove surprised
me by telling me they were excited for me! That closest friend that I mentioned a few statements back surprised me too. She disapproves.

I'm a writer and hardly find myself without words, but upon hearing that news I was speechless, and part of me still is. How do you handle that? I wrestle with scrapping the whole idea because I value her opinion. Yet if I spend my whole life following someone elses opinion I'll never have one of my own. I want the people in my life to be supportive but I need to be careful about the extent I go to get that. I can't force the doubters to believe and I can't wait around for the day to come when they finally do because that day is 'maybe' at best. I don't want to wait my life away.So what then?! Do I risk losing my friend because she thinks I'm wrong and I don't? Or do I keep the peace and risk losing myself? 

A month ago I wouldve done whatever it took to keep the peace, but a lot changed in a month( a blog for another time), the girl I was a month ago was a little more lost than the one writing this today. A month ago I knew who I was but not what I wanted and wouldve listened to any ideas on what that should be. Now I know what I want and I'mnot afraid to go after it. My friend says that's selfish. Maybe it is. But I don't think so.

Tonights Playlist

1 "Out of Reach" -Matthew Perryman Jones
2 "Blue and White" -Beth Waters
3 "Dont Upset the Rhythm -Noisettes
4 "When You Are Near" -Caroline Liar
5 "I Taught Myself How to Grow Old" Ryan Adams
6 "Goodbye" -Smith Point
7 "You Dance" -Eastmountainsouth
8 "I'll Catch You" -The Get Up Kids
9 "We Belong Together" -Gavin DeGraw
10 "Let That Be Enough" -Switchfoot

Feeling a Thought

im sitting at my computer downloading a bunch of music onto my ipod touch, reading blogs to pass the time and i stumble upon this quote...

Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought. ~ E. Y. Harburg

"...a song makes you feel a thought."

hmmm...

there are currently over two thousand songs on my ipod and i add more every day(the labor of having too many cds)and it amazes me how each song extracts something specific from my soul. tonight ive listened to everything from Imogen Heap to Low vs Diamond and System of a Down to Nada Surf...you can only imagine the thoughts that ive felt during the course of the last few hours. some of these thoughts i have all the time, they come and go as they please. and others ive never had before, they make me stop and ponder where it came from and what its doing in the forefront of my mind.

ive found that now i know what to call it..."feeling a thought"...i rather enjoy the whole process. i get to discover a little bit more of myself every time, and it doesnt matter how many times ive heard the song.