The Hardest Part

want to know the hardest part about not living with your best friend anymore? (for me anyway)its going from talking to her everyday to hardly talking at all, and if you know mw then you know the way to my heart is intentional conversation! small talk doesnt cut it. its like we went from being best friends to strangers overnight(and maybe someday ill explain why, but thats not today).

i never thought about what it would be life to lose that feeling, that freedom, of having someone know you better than the rest of the world. i never thought i would lose that safety, but that it would grow as time went on and i got married. but just over a month ago some words were said and shattered that safety. i wasnt alone in picking up the pieces, my friends and my family kept me from drowning, but when that one person thats always been there suddenly isnt, its hard to make all the other helping hands count.

i cried a lot. i cursed a lot. i questioned a lot. i still question. i wonder what my best friend misses, if anything. i wonder if she wants to tell me, but is too afraid, because i am(thats why im telling you. i need to tell someone). i dont want to tell her that i miss her because in the last month the times i have she hasnt said it back. i dont want to tell her i need her because im afraid she wont be there. i called her while i was in LA, overwhelmed, and her number is the first on my speed dial, calling her was habit. i was crying and needed a shoulder i was comfortable with, but i couldnt bring myself to tell her. so i said goodbye and cried.

people keep telling me its going to get easier, and i believe you all, i do, i just wish you could start telling me when i can expect that to happen!

i miss having someone to laugh at the stupid things with. i miss having someone who knows what im thinking with one look. i miss having someone to get ready with for church, or dinner, or just a night out with friends. i miss getting frustrated at the amount of text messages im getting. i miss eating dinner at the dining room table. i miss watching friends. i miss the annoying reaccuring situations of us including the same pair of shoes in our outfit. i miss the notes written on the mirror(or the toilet). i miss getting 'good morning' text messages. i miss you being the first one to read something ive written. and best friend, if youre reading this, most of all i miss you!