I talked to my mom the other night. The plan is that she and my sister are going to drive down from Eugene during spring break. My mom asked if I was okay with an invite for said trip being extended to my best friend. Under normal circumstances that wouldve been a no-brainer, but the last six months have been anything but normal for her and I. I told my mom yes anyway. Then my mom asked if I would be the one to ask her. Moms are funny...
I have already asked my BF twice and both times she said no, backed by a list of reasons, almost all of which were legitimate. Even though her decline was disappointing it was easier. With as much as I want to see her, seeing her is harder. What happened between us (and as the saying goes, it does 'take two to tango') rocked the boat in a very big way. Even in talking to her, she reminds me of how difficult things have been. Now she doesn't know that and I would never tell her (and she doesn't read this), but to my heart she stands as the symbol of a hurt I never want to experience again. So while on the really good days I want her right here with me, changing the world just like we'd planned, it's days like today that I'm terrified to let her anywhere near me. (the stupid thing is the majority of the hurt was not her fault, it just started with her, hence why she's the symbol.)
She's my partner in crime, of course I want her wreaking havoc right alongside me, but with as close as I want to hold her is as far as I want my heart to stay from her. And it's not because I'm afraid of her hurting me, I'm just afraid of getting hurt.
It's like I have to choose between the lesser of two evils; loneliness or vulnerability.
Showing posts with label being vulnerable. Show all posts
Showing posts with label being vulnerable. Show all posts
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Vulnerability Is A Bitch
a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. b. Susceptible to attack c. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.
There are things in life that naturally get easier the more often we do them, after all the old saying goes "practice makes perfect". However being vulnerable doesn't seem to fall into this category, if anything it gets harder the more often we "practice" it.
I would love to say that nine times out of ten being vulnerable, opening yourself up to someone in ways that you never thought you could, works out they way we want it to...I would love to say that. I would be a liar if I did. The trick to being vulnerable is learning to determine what's worth it and what isn't, that's how you protect yourself, because not everything will be worth it. Opening yourself up to everything will exhaust you, but shutting out everything will keep you from living. Vulnerability requires balance. And finding the balance means being willing to be a little unsteady for a while.
I have a friend, and for this blogs' sake we'll call her Grace (I love that name). Anyway, Grace doesn't like to be vulnerable, for any reason or to anyone. It hasn't worked out well for her in the past, and she would rather not feel those things again. Truth be told, I don't blame her, and I don't think that anyone else would either. No one enjoys feeling hurt or being judged and we all just learn to deal with it differently. Grace's way is by pretending that she has it all together and that nothing bothers her. I tell her all the time that she's "full of shit" ('shit' is kind of a buzz word for us) and her typical response is "I know!" but it always stops there. We laugh and I make it light-hearted for her sake, but one of these days I'm not going to be able to do that anymore. I would love for things to be different now, but she's not ready and I need to respect that, for the time being. What she doesn't know is that it breaks my heart to watch her try to convince herself that she doesn't need anyone. And she's not alone in that either, no one really wants to admit that they need someone, but if we all decided to be brave we would all admit the same thing that Grace is afraid to. We all need someone.
Grace tends to struggle through the big stuff alone, that's how I know it bothers her. The big things she tells me in passing, just like I would tell you I was getting my hair colored or I got a new tattoo. Grace tries to pass the news off as better than what it is. If she doesn't have to admit to anyone else how hard it really is then she can avoid admitting it to herself.
Now Grace isn't me, she really is a friend of mine, but Grace and I are a lot alike! (we talk about this too) We both would prefer to struggle through the big things alone! The hardest part about being vulnerable and telling someone that you need them is the risk in hearing them say they can't (or won't) be there for you. My heart wants to trust people and let them in. My head reminds me of all the times that the people I have let in have been less than reliable and therefore reasons I should just take care of myself. Grace is the same way.
Unlike Grace, I have friends that don't take 'no' for an answer and would rather keep me under house arrest than watch me struggle through anything alone, no matter the size. Unlike Grace I risked being unsteady in order to find that balance. Occasionally I still revert to my old ways out of habit, but someone is always there to remind me that I don't have to be strong all the time. Unlike Grace, I'm not afraid to let people in, even at the risk of being left alone.
Someday Grace is going to have to find that balance. Someday Grace is going to realize that she needs that one person to take her by the hand as she risks being unsteady for a while. Someday Grace is going to have to admit that she needs someone. Someday will probably come sooner than she realizes. When 'someday' becomes 'today' will be the day my heart doesn't break anymore, because she won't be doing it alone anymore. Someday will be both the hardest and the best day of Grace's life. Someday Grace will have delicately balanced 'strong enough to go alone' with 'weak enough to need you'.
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