Sunday, January 31, 2010
Vulnerability Is A Bitch
a. Susceptible to physical or emotional injury. b. Susceptible to attack c. Open to censure or criticism; assailable.
There are things in life that naturally get easier the more often we do them, after all the old saying goes "practice makes perfect". However being vulnerable doesn't seem to fall into this category, if anything it gets harder the more often we "practice" it.
I would love to say that nine times out of ten being vulnerable, opening yourself up to someone in ways that you never thought you could, works out they way we want it to...I would love to say that. I would be a liar if I did. The trick to being vulnerable is learning to determine what's worth it and what isn't, that's how you protect yourself, because not everything will be worth it. Opening yourself up to everything will exhaust you, but shutting out everything will keep you from living. Vulnerability requires balance. And finding the balance means being willing to be a little unsteady for a while.
I have a friend, and for this blogs' sake we'll call her Grace (I love that name). Anyway, Grace doesn't like to be vulnerable, for any reason or to anyone. It hasn't worked out well for her in the past, and she would rather not feel those things again. Truth be told, I don't blame her, and I don't think that anyone else would either. No one enjoys feeling hurt or being judged and we all just learn to deal with it differently. Grace's way is by pretending that she has it all together and that nothing bothers her. I tell her all the time that she's "full of shit" ('shit' is kind of a buzz word for us) and her typical response is "I know!" but it always stops there. We laugh and I make it light-hearted for her sake, but one of these days I'm not going to be able to do that anymore. I would love for things to be different now, but she's not ready and I need to respect that, for the time being. What she doesn't know is that it breaks my heart to watch her try to convince herself that she doesn't need anyone. And she's not alone in that either, no one really wants to admit that they need someone, but if we all decided to be brave we would all admit the same thing that Grace is afraid to. We all need someone.
Grace tends to struggle through the big stuff alone, that's how I know it bothers her. The big things she tells me in passing, just like I would tell you I was getting my hair colored or I got a new tattoo. Grace tries to pass the news off as better than what it is. If she doesn't have to admit to anyone else how hard it really is then she can avoid admitting it to herself.
Now Grace isn't me, she really is a friend of mine, but Grace and I are a lot alike! (we talk about this too) We both would prefer to struggle through the big things alone! The hardest part about being vulnerable and telling someone that you need them is the risk in hearing them say they can't (or won't) be there for you. My heart wants to trust people and let them in. My head reminds me of all the times that the people I have let in have been less than reliable and therefore reasons I should just take care of myself. Grace is the same way.
Unlike Grace, I have friends that don't take 'no' for an answer and would rather keep me under house arrest than watch me struggle through anything alone, no matter the size. Unlike Grace I risked being unsteady in order to find that balance. Occasionally I still revert to my old ways out of habit, but someone is always there to remind me that I don't have to be strong all the time. Unlike Grace, I'm not afraid to let people in, even at the risk of being left alone.
Someday Grace is going to have to find that balance. Someday Grace is going to realize that she needs that one person to take her by the hand as she risks being unsteady for a while. Someday Grace is going to have to admit that she needs someone. Someday will probably come sooner than she realizes. When 'someday' becomes 'today' will be the day my heart doesn't break anymore, because she won't be doing it alone anymore. Someday will be both the hardest and the best day of Grace's life. Someday Grace will have delicately balanced 'strong enough to go alone' with 'weak enough to need you'.
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Grace sounds a little bit like me.
ReplyDeleteVulnerability sneaks upon me, when I am in denial about a certain situation. And just for a moment I let it chew at my insides, before I build that dam back up and put on my, 'everything is fine face'. No one wants to admit to vulnerability, because it makes it real.