Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Take A Chance or Wonder
Some people don't ask the questions they need to. Some don't get the answers they want. Some don't make the choices they should have. Others don't chase their dreams. Some spend all their time trying to fail and try again until they succeed or quit. Others never put their idea into action and they spend the latter years of life wondering what if. But mostly they wonder why they never took a chance. I don't like to wonder. The truth, at its worst and most hurtful moments, is always better. I can handle failure even with the blow to my pride. And I can handle pain even with the critical aches. I can process disappointment for it not going my way. But wondering isn't good enough. Knowing half isn't knowing enough. Taking a chance you have nothing to lose. In wondering you'll lose your first and only. Don't take a chance on wondering, take a chance on yourself.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Youre the Point
KING OF WONDERS/WE STAND AMAZED/THERES NO OTHER/OTHER THAN YOU/KING OF WONDERS/YOU KNOW THE WAY TO OUR HEARTS/AND THE MORE WE SEE THE MORE WE LOVE YOU
i was on my way to church this morning, entirely unmotivated, but forcing myself to go. my family praised me for my commitment (though i lacked conviction). i was just going to be good, thats exactly how i felt, dutiful. that should never be the motivation for anything, but thats all there was, a sense of duty. so i went to fulfill it and then be done. i text my cousin on the way to church and i told her i was wondering what the point was. she told me that she couldnt answer that for me and then she said, "i wish i could have faith in something that grand."
when you ask God a question Hes guaranteed to answer, sooner or later, one way or another.
i wanted to know what the point was. i grew up in church, been going since i was a baby. the last few months have been the first that ive gone to church without friends or family that have the kind of relationship with God that i do. its hard. this morning i was wondering, through my lack of desire, if i had been going to church my entire life for all the wrong reasons. (my cousin reassured me that this was not the case.) its intimidating being the only one who sees the point. because when youre the minority you wonder if youre the one whos missing something, because no one else seems to mind not having what you have. (however the key word is 'seems', and as you can tell from the text i got from my cousin, some part of her minds.) some days its easier to forsake what i believe in, to pretend that i dont believe in it or to just keep quiet about it. in some twisted fashion everyone wins. (but that too is a load.)
my cousin admitted that she wants what i have (just not in so many words). so then i have to decide is what i have worth sharing? all my life i have told myself and others that i believe it is. but all my life i have been surrounded by people who believe the very same thing. now im not. so now i have to decide again, is what i have worth sharing? and if so, then why am i not?
i asked what the point was. God gave me an answer.
my cousin is the point. my family is the point. the stranger at starbucks is the point. every soul that longs to believe in something bigger than itself. every heart that cant shake the feeling that there has to be something more. and you.
you are the point! and im sorry that i forgot that.
i was on my way to church this morning, entirely unmotivated, but forcing myself to go. my family praised me for my commitment (though i lacked conviction). i was just going to be good, thats exactly how i felt, dutiful. that should never be the motivation for anything, but thats all there was, a sense of duty. so i went to fulfill it and then be done. i text my cousin on the way to church and i told her i was wondering what the point was. she told me that she couldnt answer that for me and then she said, "i wish i could have faith in something that grand."
when you ask God a question Hes guaranteed to answer, sooner or later, one way or another.
i wanted to know what the point was. i grew up in church, been going since i was a baby. the last few months have been the first that ive gone to church without friends or family that have the kind of relationship with God that i do. its hard. this morning i was wondering, through my lack of desire, if i had been going to church my entire life for all the wrong reasons. (my cousin reassured me that this was not the case.) its intimidating being the only one who sees the point. because when youre the minority you wonder if youre the one whos missing something, because no one else seems to mind not having what you have. (however the key word is 'seems', and as you can tell from the text i got from my cousin, some part of her minds.) some days its easier to forsake what i believe in, to pretend that i dont believe in it or to just keep quiet about it. in some twisted fashion everyone wins. (but that too is a load.)
my cousin admitted that she wants what i have (just not in so many words). so then i have to decide is what i have worth sharing? all my life i have told myself and others that i believe it is. but all my life i have been surrounded by people who believe the very same thing. now im not. so now i have to decide again, is what i have worth sharing? and if so, then why am i not?
i asked what the point was. God gave me an answer.
my cousin is the point. my family is the point. the stranger at starbucks is the point. every soul that longs to believe in something bigger than itself. every heart that cant shake the feeling that there has to be something more. and you.
you are the point! and im sorry that i forgot that.
Tonights Tunes
Castaway...Chasen
So Please...Starlume
Call Me...Shinedown
Inside These Lines...Trant Dabbs
Strange...Tokio Hotel
Wake Up Exhausted...Tegan and Sara
Existentialism on Prom Night...Straylight Run
Never Think...Rob Pattinson
So Please...Starlume
Call Me...Shinedown
Inside These Lines...Trant Dabbs
Strange...Tokio Hotel
Wake Up Exhausted...Tegan and Sara
Existentialism on Prom Night...Straylight Run
Never Think...Rob Pattinson
Its Often All the Same to Me
you always wonder what people will think when you write about something personal for a group of people. you wonder who will read it when you make it public, you wonder who will tell you they read it, and i think above all else you wonder what their reaction will be. for me thats the most nerve wrecking part!i want to know what theyre thinking but i dont want to ask them.
they say that silence is deafening, and i only think theres truth to that because the silence allows your own mind to think what it wants as loudly as it wants to. its almost like you have this strange internal argument where the rational side of you is trying to talk the irrational side down from the ledge, only to realize that nothing is working. we still try to calm ourselves down anyway. we dont want to speak the lunacy out loud because we want it to be our secret that were crazy...well get over that notion right quick because it doesnt work that way.
when i wrote this poem i did so for someone else, and they had no prior knowledge. most days i have plenty to say on my own, but every now and then whatever im saying im not saying for me. you cant always put things into perspective for yourself, sometimes you need someone on the outside looking in to do it for you. now by no means am i on the outside of this situation, but in the brief moments it took me to write this, i was, standing on the outside. and when i was done writing it the irrational side of me ran towards the edge of the cliff with record pace. this dark cloud of doubt had settled over what i had just done, these unrealistic ramifications settled in and made me feel incapable of sharing it.
life, death, love, loss, grief, anger, etc...all of these are very touchy subjects to write about, especailly when the subject is real and present. i wrote "maybe its enough" three weeks before i posted it for the public eye. granted, all the doubt couldve played a significant role in the timing of this particular piece, but i had no reason to doubt at all. i only know of one person whos read it. it just so happens that this person is the reason i wrote it in the first place. she didnt have to tell me and she certainly didnt have to thank me, but she did.
its been said that people put pen to page to make sense of the confusing and bring peace to a restlessness within them. i like writing for myself, for me its the fastest way that i can make sense of my world. but truth be told i would rather bring peace to someone elses world, there is no greater feeling than that, someone elses sigh of relief. that brings peace to me just the same.
they say that silence is deafening, and i only think theres truth to that because the silence allows your own mind to think what it wants as loudly as it wants to. its almost like you have this strange internal argument where the rational side of you is trying to talk the irrational side down from the ledge, only to realize that nothing is working. we still try to calm ourselves down anyway. we dont want to speak the lunacy out loud because we want it to be our secret that were crazy...well get over that notion right quick because it doesnt work that way.
when i wrote this poem i did so for someone else, and they had no prior knowledge. most days i have plenty to say on my own, but every now and then whatever im saying im not saying for me. you cant always put things into perspective for yourself, sometimes you need someone on the outside looking in to do it for you. now by no means am i on the outside of this situation, but in the brief moments it took me to write this, i was, standing on the outside. and when i was done writing it the irrational side of me ran towards the edge of the cliff with record pace. this dark cloud of doubt had settled over what i had just done, these unrealistic ramifications settled in and made me feel incapable of sharing it.
life, death, love, loss, grief, anger, etc...all of these are very touchy subjects to write about, especailly when the subject is real and present. i wrote "maybe its enough" three weeks before i posted it for the public eye. granted, all the doubt couldve played a significant role in the timing of this particular piece, but i had no reason to doubt at all. i only know of one person whos read it. it just so happens that this person is the reason i wrote it in the first place. she didnt have to tell me and she certainly didnt have to thank me, but she did.
its been said that people put pen to page to make sense of the confusing and bring peace to a restlessness within them. i like writing for myself, for me its the fastest way that i can make sense of my world. but truth be told i would rather bring peace to someone elses world, there is no greater feeling than that, someone elses sigh of relief. that brings peace to me just the same.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I Like The Way They Said It
I've said it before and so I will say it again, you don't always have to have the right words. If someone else has already written what you've tried to for so long, just go with that. Don't worry about making it your own. That's what writers do, they put pen to paper and scribe what others can't. Now I'm a OTH fan and so I thought I would share with you some of my favorite quotes from the show...Enjoy!
"Every song has a coda, a final movement, whether it fades out or crashes away, every song ends. is that any reason not to enjoy the music?"
-“Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel than any lie.”
E.E. Cummings once wrote: 'To be nobody but yourself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.'
"Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you." LES
"As happens sometimes, a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone." LES
"when you stop fighting, you stop living. so.. find your fight. then fight like hell 'til your battle has won." PES
"Guess I’m just a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside a bitch" PES
"I want to believe in it all again..music and art...fate and love, and I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes I've made....I guess I want hope." PES
"Someone once said; "It's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time." Me? I just wanna live a life I'm gonna remember, even if I don't write it down." BPD
"Yeah, losing your heart’s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart’s desire... It’s all you can hope for. This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic… then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world." PES
"Every song has a coda, a final movement, whether it fades out or crashes away, every song ends. is that any reason not to enjoy the music?"
-“Truth is still absolute. Believe that. Even when that truth is hard and cold, and more painful than you've ever imagined. And even when truth is more cruel than any lie.”
E.E. Cummings once wrote: 'To be nobody but yourself- in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.'
"Sometimes it's easy to feel like you're the only one in the world who's struggling, who's frustrated, or unsatisfied at barely getting by. But, that feeling is a lie and if you just hold on; just find the courage to face it all for another day, someone or something will find the way and make it all okay. Because we all need a little help sometimes, someone to help us hear the music in the world. To remind us that it won’t always be this way. That someone is out there, and that someone will find you." LES
"As happens sometimes, a moment settled and hovered and remained for much more than a moment. And sound stopped and movement stopped for much, much more than a moment. And then the moment was gone." LES
"when you stop fighting, you stop living. so.. find your fight. then fight like hell 'til your battle has won." PES
"Guess I’m just a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside a bitch" PES
"I want to believe in it all again..music and art...fate and love, and I want to believe that I've made the right choices, and I'm still on the right path, and there's still time to fix some mistakes I've made....I guess I want hope." PES
"Someone once said; "It's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time." Me? I just wanna live a life I'm gonna remember, even if I don't write it down." BPD
"Yeah, losing your heart’s desire is tragic. But gaining your heart’s desire... It’s all you can hope for. This year, I wished for love. To immerse myself in someone else and to wake a heart long afraid to feel. My wish was granted. And if having that is tragic… then give me tragedy. Because, I wouldn’t give it back for the world." PES
Friday, March 26, 2010
Dont Be Afraid to Share
About a month ago we learned that the clinical trial medication my grandmother was taking wasnt working, the CAT scan showed that her tumor had grown. We asked the doctor what the chemo options were, we scheduled an appointment for the day that she would start it, had the prescriptions filled, and then waited for that day to arrive. However at this doctors appointment no one wanted to ask the only question that was really important, what her prognosis was if she did nothing. I had to know. The doctor said, "at best, one year" and then he apologized. I had to walk back into that hospital room so I couldn't call apart...but I wanted to. One year at best. Not surprising, but not easy to hear either. Later that week I told my cousin. Her initial response was that we knew that already, that's what the doctor said the first time around. My cousin is like me, we don't wear our hearts on our sleeves all the time, in our family it's not a luxury we have nor is it one we would take advantage of even if we did. My cousin and I were headed out for some drinks with a friend, and somehow we landed on the subject of our dying grandmother. At that point the tears were inevitable. She looked at me and said, "it's not much time".
Sometimes it's better to say nothing then to try to find comforting words, and so I said nothing. I felt the same way, and I knew that there was nothing that I could hear that would make me feel better, so why bother? However, that statement resonated with me, I couldn't shake it. There was so much more to be said, but what? It took me a few days to shed even the slightest amount of hope through the finality of this situation, but finally I did. What you will read next is my attempt at finding the silver lining...
One year.
Maybe less.
But not more.
One year.
It's not much time.
With life in the fast lane years pass like days.
One year.
One birthday.
One Thanksgiving.
One Christmas.
One less then we thought she'd miss.
One year.
Maybe less.
At most, 365 days we can choose not to take for granted.
One year.
Maybe less.
But not more.
One year.
It's not much time.
But maybe it's enough.
One year to say 'i love you'.
365 days to say 'thank you'.
8,760 hours worth of memories.
525,600 breath taking moments.
31,536,000 seconds you'll never have again.
One year.
Maybe less.
It's not much time.
But maybe it's enough.
Initially I posted this on my blog "Sweet Silver Lining", I was skeptical to post it on my facebook because I'm friends with all my family, and I wasn't ure of their reaction. It's a touchy subject as you can imagine. However I had this nagging thought that I should and run this risk of offending someone. It's God's way of reminding me that I wrote it for a reason, my cousin sparked something, but left it in a hopeless state, and I was supposed to bring it full circle with my words. I posted it on facebook and I asked that no one comment on it. Tonight my cousin read it. Afterward I got this text, "just read 'maybe it's enough'. i love your words and i love you." This situation needs hope, and if I have that I can't be afraid to share it!
Sometimes it's better to say nothing then to try to find comforting words, and so I said nothing. I felt the same way, and I knew that there was nothing that I could hear that would make me feel better, so why bother? However, that statement resonated with me, I couldn't shake it. There was so much more to be said, but what? It took me a few days to shed even the slightest amount of hope through the finality of this situation, but finally I did. What you will read next is my attempt at finding the silver lining...
One year.
Maybe less.
But not more.
One year.
It's not much time.
With life in the fast lane years pass like days.
One year.
One birthday.
One Thanksgiving.
One Christmas.
One less then we thought she'd miss.
One year.
Maybe less.
At most, 365 days we can choose not to take for granted.
One year.
Maybe less.
But not more.
One year.
It's not much time.
But maybe it's enough.
One year to say 'i love you'.
365 days to say 'thank you'.
8,760 hours worth of memories.
525,600 breath taking moments.
31,536,000 seconds you'll never have again.
One year.
Maybe less.
It's not much time.
But maybe it's enough.
Initially I posted this on my blog "Sweet Silver Lining", I was skeptical to post it on my facebook because I'm friends with all my family, and I wasn't ure of their reaction. It's a touchy subject as you can imagine. However I had this nagging thought that I should and run this risk of offending someone. It's God's way of reminding me that I wrote it for a reason, my cousin sparked something, but left it in a hopeless state, and I was supposed to bring it full circle with my words. I posted it on facebook and I asked that no one comment on it. Tonight my cousin read it. Afterward I got this text, "just read 'maybe it's enough'. i love your words and i love you." This situation needs hope, and if I have that I can't be afraid to share it!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Family, Cant Live With Them and Wont Survive Without Them
No matter the size, social status, religion, race, or color, whether you come from a single parent family, divorced and remarried parents, or your parents just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary, every family has them! Every family has the matriarch, the one who hosts the best holiday dinners because nobody cooks like her or the one who spoils all the kids rotten. Every family has the fun aunt/uncle, the aunt who wears too much lip stick, the aunt who loves to pinch your cheeks (and usually those aunts are one in the same). Then there's the rich hermit that no one knows much about, the one who's been married too many times to count, the rebel, the addict/alcoholic, the perpetual grouch, the hopeless optimistic, the "religious" fanatic, and the comedian. However, let's not forget the know-it-all, the smartass, and the control freak! (if this really only applies to my family then y'all are missing out!) Sounds like a circus right?! But it's like I said, can't live with them but won't survive without them.
If you were to look up the word 'crazy' in the dictionary you would see a picture of my family. You would also see the same picture if you looked up the word 'reliable'. For my family lunacy is genetic, as is impatience and what I like to call the 'bitch switch' (this last one is more a problem for the women folk, at any given point in time if someone flips that switch, whoever is on the receiving end is as good as gone). But this is only one side of my hair-brained family.
The other side, the reliability, when in full swing actually makes our lunacy worth standing (which is not an easy job). If your family is anything like mine then it's full of all the little quirks that make you want to scratch your eyeballs out and yet you can't seem to go on without them. There's just something about that crazy bunch that keeps you from trading in for an upgrade. Whatever that reason is, hang onto is, because it comes in handy when you want to disown them!
There are times when my family gives me more headaches than anything else, BUT, the days that they don't give me that feeling are worth the days they do. When I need my family they're always there, I have never and will never doubt that (granted there are times when I don't want them there, but that's different). No matter who walks in or out of my life my family is always there, even on the days I feel stuck with them I'm still grateful!
I may not be able to live with my family but I sure don't want to try to live without them!
If you were to look up the word 'crazy' in the dictionary you would see a picture of my family. You would also see the same picture if you looked up the word 'reliable'. For my family lunacy is genetic, as is impatience and what I like to call the 'bitch switch' (this last one is more a problem for the women folk, at any given point in time if someone flips that switch, whoever is on the receiving end is as good as gone). But this is only one side of my hair-brained family.
The other side, the reliability, when in full swing actually makes our lunacy worth standing (which is not an easy job). If your family is anything like mine then it's full of all the little quirks that make you want to scratch your eyeballs out and yet you can't seem to go on without them. There's just something about that crazy bunch that keeps you from trading in for an upgrade. Whatever that reason is, hang onto is, because it comes in handy when you want to disown them!
There are times when my family gives me more headaches than anything else, BUT, the days that they don't give me that feeling are worth the days they do. When I need my family they're always there, I have never and will never doubt that (granted there are times when I don't want them there, but that's different). No matter who walks in or out of my life my family is always there, even on the days I feel stuck with them I'm still grateful!
I may not be able to live with my family but I sure don't want to try to live without them!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Missing You
Ever miss someone so much it hurts? You fight to forget. You fight to act like it's all okay. You fight only to fail. You think that if you hold that truth in then everything will be okay, but it won't. Holding in the truth only hurts and it doesn't get better. You try to shut out that ache, but soon enough you're shutting out everything. Then numbness sets in and you can't even enjoy the greatest of days because you can't feel it. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience. And if you're not careful numbness will lead to bittnerness. I've been numb for the last four days, but tonight I'm going to fix it.
"Sober" by Kelly Clarkson
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Wake up
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
"Sober" by Kelly Clarkson
And I don't know
This could break my heart or save me
Nothing's real
Until you let go completely
So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving
So here I go with all my fears weighing on me
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
But I know it's never really over
And I don't know
I could crash and burn but maybe
At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me
So I won't worry about my timing, I want to get it right
No comparing, second guessing, no not this time
Three months and I'm still breathing
Been a long road since those hands I left my tears in but I know
It's never really over, no
Wake up
Three months and I'm still standing here
Three months and I'm getting better yeah
Three months and I still am
Three months and it's still harder now
Three months I've been living here without you now
Three months yeah, three months
Three months and I'm still breathing
Three months and I still remember it
Three months and I wake up
Three months and I'm still sober
Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Lessons Learned
I cant pretend that i know better when so many times my actions have said otherwise. I dont have the answers to all of lifes questions but I know the One who does! Ive made my fair share of mistakes but He has never forsaken me, though Ive given Him every reason to. Ive had my ups and downs...made the right choices...and stumbled a time or two (actually way more)...Ive dealt with my fair share of guilt, fear, and doubt. Ive made friends and some Ive left behind. Ive held onto what i thought was true and fought for what my heart was telling me was right...Ive even fought when all that was holding me up was my pride. When faced with temptation Ive faultered and given in when I shouldve given it up to God...but its a moment by moment decision. With each step I take I have to say "YES" to God and "NO" to myself. Its a narrow road that Ive chosen to walk...and the ground is anything but even, but God has made every step that I have taken in His direction so much more than merely worth it! Ive been Peter and denied Him once...twice...so many more than just a dozen times. Ive been John and forsaken all comfort to follow Him where Hes asked me to. He sees past everything...every mask that Ive ever tried to wear. Hes dried every tear. Hes heard every cry of my aching soul and Hes answered every prayer. If I told you that He wants to do the same for you what would you say? On those lonely nights when you cry out and silence is your only friend Hes saying "Im right here waiting". When youve fallen so far...when you hit rock bottom...Hes the Rock that you run into. All the aching...all the hurt...anger...being dissatified...He can take all of that away and all you have to do is ask. Everything that you are afraid to let the world see is all that He created and no matter how broken and battered you think it is...thats exactly what He wants from you! In everything that you hold...in all that is broken all He sees is the beauty that He is desperately longing for it to become. He longs to hold your soul, so that even when it breaks all the pieces will still be held together! He can never leave you and He will never forsake you...dont leave Him behind. Just ask yourself...would you rather be wrong now or wrong when its too late? When you look all around you the world tells you that you dont need God, that you can do this on your own and its easier to believe those that you can see then it is to believe what you cant. But why test the worlds theory? What if you're wrong? I promise that its worth it...and I know that I can try and convince you but you will never truly know until you go through it yourself. But I will try.I would rather be wrong now then wrong when it's too late.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Is There A Lesser of Two Evils?
I talked to my mom the other night. The plan is that she and my sister are going to drive down from Eugene during spring break. My mom asked if I was okay with an invite for said trip being extended to my best friend. Under normal circumstances that wouldve been a no-brainer, but the last six months have been anything but normal for her and I. I told my mom yes anyway. Then my mom asked if I would be the one to ask her. Moms are funny...
I have already asked my BF twice and both times she said no, backed by a list of reasons, almost all of which were legitimate. Even though her decline was disappointing it was easier. With as much as I want to see her, seeing her is harder. What happened between us (and as the saying goes, it does 'take two to tango') rocked the boat in a very big way. Even in talking to her, she reminds me of how difficult things have been. Now she doesn't know that and I would never tell her (and she doesn't read this), but to my heart she stands as the symbol of a hurt I never want to experience again. So while on the really good days I want her right here with me, changing the world just like we'd planned, it's days like today that I'm terrified to let her anywhere near me. (the stupid thing is the majority of the hurt was not her fault, it just started with her, hence why she's the symbol.)
She's my partner in crime, of course I want her wreaking havoc right alongside me, but with as close as I want to hold her is as far as I want my heart to stay from her. And it's not because I'm afraid of her hurting me, I'm just afraid of getting hurt.
It's like I have to choose between the lesser of two evils; loneliness or vulnerability.
I have already asked my BF twice and both times she said no, backed by a list of reasons, almost all of which were legitimate. Even though her decline was disappointing it was easier. With as much as I want to see her, seeing her is harder. What happened between us (and as the saying goes, it does 'take two to tango') rocked the boat in a very big way. Even in talking to her, she reminds me of how difficult things have been. Now she doesn't know that and I would never tell her (and she doesn't read this), but to my heart she stands as the symbol of a hurt I never want to experience again. So while on the really good days I want her right here with me, changing the world just like we'd planned, it's days like today that I'm terrified to let her anywhere near me. (the stupid thing is the majority of the hurt was not her fault, it just started with her, hence why she's the symbol.)
She's my partner in crime, of course I want her wreaking havoc right alongside me, but with as close as I want to hold her is as far as I want my heart to stay from her. And it's not because I'm afraid of her hurting me, I'm just afraid of getting hurt.
It's like I have to choose between the lesser of two evils; loneliness or vulnerability.
Must Sees
I think I'm bored, or I just want to mix things up a bit. Every now and then I post a playlist, music I would be lost without. Tonight however I thought I would go with movies. These are in no particular and I will try to keep the list a decent length, but I feel like these should be in every movie lovers collection.
The Princess Bride...Edward Scissorhands...Seven Pounds...I Am Legend...Philadelphia...Bone Collector...Shawshank Redemption...Fried Green Tomatoes...The Royal Tenebaums...Once...Dirty Dancing...The Holiday...Cannonball...Gangs of New York...Titanic...Mary Poppins...The Blind Side...Patch Adams...Powder...Passion of The Christ...Gladiator...Saving Private Ryan...10 Things I Hate About You...I Am Sam...Pay It Forward...Rachel Getting Married...(500) Days of Summer...The Pursuit of Happiness...The Proposal...Public Enemy...Much Ado About Nothing...Amazing Grace...Everafter...A Beautiful Mind...Pride and Prejudice...Memoirs of a Geisha...Juno...Erin Brokivich...Derailed...You've Got Mail
Well there you have it. 40 movies that give you a little bit of everything; laughter, tears, hair raising moments, and new twists on timeless classics. Go. Watch. Enjoy.
The Princess Bride...Edward Scissorhands...Seven Pounds...I Am Legend...Philadelphia...Bone Collector...Shawshank Redemption...Fried Green Tomatoes...The Royal Tenebaums...Once...Dirty Dancing...The Holiday...Cannonball...Gangs of New York...Titanic...Mary Poppins...The Blind Side...Patch Adams...Powder...Passion of The Christ...Gladiator...Saving Private Ryan...10 Things I Hate About You...I Am Sam...Pay It Forward...Rachel Getting Married...(500) Days of Summer...The Pursuit of Happiness...The Proposal...Public Enemy...Much Ado About Nothing...Amazing Grace...Everafter...A Beautiful Mind...Pride and Prejudice...Memoirs of a Geisha...Juno...Erin Brokivich...Derailed...You've Got Mail
Well there you have it. 40 movies that give you a little bit of everything; laughter, tears, hair raising moments, and new twists on timeless classics. Go. Watch. Enjoy.
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