Ever get so use to that feeling of darkness and gloom that when you find yourself smiling for no reason it feels foreign, almost wrong even? In my mind it should be the other way around, because...well just because. Gloom, pain, heartache, those should be the emotions that are foreign to us, not joy and happiness.
Lately I find myself fighting...myself to be happy or to let go of the pain and sadness. Now thats not to say that Im depressed, Im just very comfortable with this lightweight, lingering ache. It keeps my heart feeling something and in a potentially morbid way keeps my pen inspired. I write when im happy(or joyful)I just dont think that I enjoy it as much. And my fascination with the gloomy feeling only becomes a problem when I have to convince myself that feeling joyful and smiling for no reason it totally normal, because it doesnt feel normal...at all...not to me. I think Ive just gotten use to never getting a break from the storm that now I dont want one.
But I do...want a break.
I think Im just afraid, because the moment that I open myself up its going to be a big deal. There will be no turning back...what if it doesnt work? What if the idea of life being that wonderful is just that, an idea? My heart believes that spending your life smiling just because can and does exist. My mind is the skeptical one because it remembers all the times life has fallen short of that. I keep telling them both that one day theyre going to have to agree on something, Im crossing my fingers they agree to be happy!
No comments:
Post a Comment