I Cant Break it to My Heart

if its okay/ill leave the bed light on/and place your water glass where it belongs/and if its alright/ill lie awake at night/pretending i am curled up at your side

see im circling in these patters/living out of memories/im still a long way from accepting it/that theres just no you and me

but if i still believe you love me/maybe ill survive/so i tell myself youre coming home/like youve done a million times/and if its alright/ill still be loving you/cause i cant break it to my heart

is it just me/or did i commit a crime/i wont believe that loving you/was just a waste of time/or was it in my head/reading into things you never said

cause i still dont have the answers/to why we couldnt work it out/i wanna think its something that i did/so i can turn it back around

and nothing will come between us/i wanna convince myself/were perfect in every single way/as long as i can keep the truth away/from my heart/oh cause i cant break it to my heart

i havent lost the love of my life, so i didnt know why this song seemed to know exactly how i was feeling...

notice i said 'didnt know'. i do now.

ive had this song on repeat for days...

i close my eyes and see myself living out the exact four minutes of this song over and over again. im the girl without the answers. and what i cant tell my heart is that nothing will ever be the same. everyday is this silent fight to keep my heart from the truth. every day is a fight to let go in such a way that my heart doesnt notice. every time i think im close to accpeting things i realize i couldnt be more unprepared.

i look at pictures and my hands shake.

i come to a stoplight and get lost in a memory only to be abruptly pulled away by the honking of a horn.

every flashback im on the verge of tears but they never spill over. part of me is grateful because im not ready to say goodbye. the rest of me wants to cry until i have no more tears just so im not here anymore.

i feel trapped in a fog and everyone is a silhouette, a mere shadow of who they should be, who they were, who i need them to be.

i keep telling myself that the last six months have all been a bad dream, and that ill wake up to everything and more importantly everyone as they should be. im still waiting to wake up. the further i head into my future the more out of reach my past becomes, though i try to convince myself differently. i cant break it to my heart.

by default time will do it for me