Family, Cant Live With Them and Wont Survive Without Them

No matter the size, social status, religion, race, or color, whether you come from a single parent family, divorced and remarried parents, or your parents just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary, every family has them! Every family has the matriarch, the one who hosts the best holiday dinners because nobody cooks like her or the one who spoils all the kids rotten. Every family has the fun aunt/uncle, the aunt who wears too much lip stick, the aunt who loves to pinch your cheeks (and usually those aunts are one in the same). Then there's the rich hermit that no one knows much about, the one who's been married too many times to count, the rebel, the addict/alcoholic, the perpetual grouch, the hopeless optimistic, the "religious" fanatic, and the comedian. However, let's not forget the know-it-all, the smartass, and the control freak! (if this really only applies to my family then y'all are missing out!) Sounds like a circus right?! But it's like I said, can't live with them but won't survive without them.


If you were to look up the word 'crazy' in the dictionary you would see a picture of my family. You would also see the same picture if you looked up the word 'reliable'. For my family lunacy is genetic, as is impatience and what I like to call the 'bitch switch' (this last one is more a problem for the women folk, at any given point in time if someone flips that switch, whoever is on the receiving end is as good as gone). But this is only one side of my hair-brained family.


The other side, the reliability, when in full swing actually makes our lunacy worth standing (which is not an easy job). If your family is anything like mine then it's full of all the little quirks that make you want to scratch your eyeballs out and yet you can't seem to go on without them. There's just something about that crazy bunch that keeps you from trading in for an upgrade. Whatever that reason is, hang onto is, because it comes in handy when you want to disown them!


There are times when my family gives me more headaches than anything else, BUT, the days that they don't give me that feeling are worth the days they do. When I need my family they're always there, I have never and will never doubt that (granted there are times when I don't want them there, but that's different). No matter who walks in or out of my life my family is always there, even on the days I feel stuck with them I'm still grateful!


I may not be able to live with my family but I sure don't want to try to live without them!

Lessons Learned

I cant pretend that i know better when so many times my actions have said otherwise. I dont have the answers to all of lifes questions but I know the One who does! Ive made my fair share of mistakes but He has never forsaken me, though Ive given Him every reason to. Ive had my ups and downs...made the right choices...and stumbled a time or two (actually way more)...Ive dealt with my fair share of guilt, fear, and doubt. Ive made friends and some Ive left behind. Ive held onto what i thought was true and fought for what my heart was telling me was right...Ive even fought when all that was holding me up was my pride. When faced with temptation Ive faultered and given in when I shouldve given it up to God...but its a moment by moment decision. With each step I take I have to say "YES" to God and "NO" to myself. Its a narrow road that Ive chosen to walk...and the ground is anything but even, but God has made every step that I have taken in His direction so much more than merely worth it! Ive been Peter and denied Him once...twice...so many more than just a dozen times. Ive been John and forsaken all comfort to follow Him where Hes asked me to. He sees past everything...every mask that Ive ever tried to wear. Hes dried every tear. Hes heard every cry of my aching soul and Hes answered every prayer. If I told you that He wants to do the same for you what would you say? On those lonely nights when you cry out and silence is your only friend Hes saying "Im right here waiting". When youve fallen so far...when you hit rock bottom...Hes the Rock that you run into. All the aching...all the hurt...anger...being dissatified...He can take all of that away and all you have to do is ask. Everything that you are afraid to let the world see is all that He created and no matter how broken and battered you think it is...thats exactly what He wants from you! In everything that you hold...in all that is broken all He sees is the beauty that He is desperately longing for it to become. He longs to hold your soul, so that even when it breaks all the pieces will still be held together! He can never leave you and He will never forsake you...dont leave Him behind. Just ask yourself...would you rather be wrong now or wrong when its too late? When you look all around you the world tells you that you dont need God, that you can do this on your own and its easier to believe those that you can see then it is to believe what you cant. But why test the worlds theory? What if you're wrong? I promise that its worth it...and I know that I can try and convince you but you will never truly know until you go through it yourself. But I will try.I would rather be wrong now then wrong when it's too late.

Is There A Lesser of Two Evils?

I talked to my mom the other night. The plan is that she and my sister are going to drive down from Eugene during spring break. My mom asked if I was okay with an invite for said trip being extended to my best friend. Under normal circumstances that wouldve been a no-brainer, but the last six months have been anything but normal for her and I. I told my mom yes anyway. Then my mom asked if I would be the one to ask her. Moms are funny...


I have already asked my BF twice and both times she said no, backed by a list of reasons, almost all of which were legitimate. Even though her decline was disappointing it was easier. With as much as I want to see her, seeing her is harder. What happened between us (and as the saying goes, it does 'take two to tango') rocked the boat in a very big way. Even in talking to her, she reminds me of how difficult things have been. Now she doesn't know that and I would never tell her (and she doesn't read this), but to my heart she stands as the symbol of a hurt I never want to experience again. So while on the really good days I want her right here with me, changing the world just like we'd planned, it's days like today that I'm terrified to let her anywhere near me. (the stupid thing is the majority of the hurt was not her fault, it just started with her, hence why she's the symbol.)


She's my partner in crime, of course I want her wreaking havoc right alongside me, but with as close as I want to hold her is as far as I want my heart to stay from her. And it's not because I'm afraid of her hurting me, I'm just afraid of getting hurt.


It's like I have to choose between the lesser of two evils; loneliness or vulnerability.

Life Ends with Death

Death is definite, there are no "sort of's" or "maybe's", it either is or it isn't the reality. And if death is the reality then it also means you'll be faced with an indefinite number of goodbyes void of a hello.


As a kid I never thought about my grandmother dying and not that I was unaware of death, my first funeral was at age five, but when someone has always been there you don't imagine them gone. But here I am, pushing twenty-three years old and looking after my dying grandmother. Now don't get me wrong, I'm doing it willingly and I love it, but it's hard sometimes. Currently she has a doctors appointment every tuesday, after which I make my round of phone calls: one cousin, four aunts, and my parents. It's during those calls that I wonder how much longer until I make the call that no one wants to get? When she naps during the day I'll go check on her and sometimes I can't tell if she's breathing and I don't want to wake her so I'll stand and watch until I know it's okay to leave. I wonder if she'll die at home or in the hospital, if it will be painful or if she'll pass in her sleep, peacefully. I wonder if I'm the one that will find her. I try not to think about this at all, for one she wouldn't want me to, and two, I would go crazy with worry. But sometimes I can't help it.


No matter your age (or theirs) death is never easy to deal with and at age five I never dreamed that eighteen years would pass and I would find myself here. I will never be sorry for the decision that I made, but that doesn't make it easier.


Heaven and hell aside, life on this earth end wih death and that is forever...