Dont Be Afraid to Share

About a month ago we learned that the clinical trial medication my grandmother was taking wasnt working, the CAT scan showed that her tumor had grown. We asked the doctor what the chemo options were, we scheduled an appointment for the day that she would start it, had the prescriptions filled, and then waited for that day to arrive. However at this doctors appointment no one wanted to ask the only question that was really important, what her prognosis was if she did nothing. I had to know. The doctor said, "at best, one year" and then he apologized. I had to walk back into that hospital room so I couldn't call apart...but I wanted to. One year at best. Not surprising, but not easy to hear either. Later that week I told my cousin. Her initial response was that we knew that already, that's what the doctor said the first time around. My cousin is like me, we don't wear our hearts on our sleeves all the time, in our family it's not a luxury we have nor is it one we would take advantage of even if we did. My cousin and I were headed out for some drinks with a friend, and somehow we landed on the subject of our dying grandmother. At that point the tears were inevitable. She looked at me and said, "it's not much time". 

Sometimes it's better to say nothing then to try to find comforting words, and so I said nothing. I felt the same way, and I knew that there was nothing that I could hear that would make me feel better, so why bother? However, that statement resonated with me, I couldn't shake it. There was so much more to be said, but what? It took me a few days to shed even the slightest amount of hope through the finality of this situation, but finally I did. What you will read next is my attempt at finding the silver lining...


One year.

Maybe less.
But not more.
One year.
It's not much time.
With life in the fast lane years pass like days.
One year.
One birthday.
One Thanksgiving.
One Christmas.
One less then we thought she'd miss.
One year.
Maybe less.
At most, 365 days we can choose not to take for granted.
One year.
Maybe less.
But not more.
One year.
It's not much time.
But maybe it's enough.
One year to say 'i love you'.
365 days to say 'thank you'.
8,760 hours worth of memories.
525,600 breath taking moments.
31,536,000 seconds you'll never have again.
One year.
Maybe less.
It's not much time.
But maybe it's enough.


Initially I posted this on my blog "Sweet Silver Lining", I was skeptical to post it on my facebook because I'm friends with all my family, and I wasn't ure of their reaction. It's a touchy subject as you can imagine. However I had this nagging thought that I should and run this risk of offending someone. It's God's way of reminding me that I wrote it for a reason, my cousin sparked something, but left it in a hopeless state, and I was supposed to bring it full circle with my words. I posted it on facebook and I asked that no one comment on it. Tonight my cousin read it. Afterward I got this text, "just read 'maybe it's enough'. i love your words and i love you." This situation needs hope, and if I have that I can't be afraid to share it!