Elephant in the Room

"It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it..." (the truth by kris allen)

...and were all great pretenders, we have to be. No one wants to admit they're thinking it, not even to themselves. But I have to admit it or it's going to incapacitate me. So hear goes nothing...this could be Grandmas last Easter.

Having the family around, everyone together, gives everyone this bitter sweet taste in their mouths. We love being together but were faced with the reality of losing the one that makes us feel complete. Today I wondered, if we sacrificed spending holidays together could we somehow lengthen Grandmas time. An unrealistic notion without a doubt, but sometimes potentially devastating times call for thoughts of impossible measures.

The worst part about this whole situation is not that my grandmothers dying, but the fact that she has a hard time enjoying the things she should. She knows all too well that her days are numbered and she can't forget, she can barely pretend otherwise. While the house is full of headache inducing commotion (that we wouldn't trade for the world) the truth can be ignored, there's plenty to distract you. However as everyone says their goodbyes and head for their respective homes, the silence settles in. And with the silence comes the truth. My grandmother has this unmistakeable look, it's the one that tells me she's thinking about everything she wishes she could forget. She had that look all day long. When all the family was finally gone she said everything the rest of us couldn't. This could be Grandmas last Easter.

We worry about what this family will look like when the one who makes us feel complete is gone, though none of us would admit that. The hardest part for us, is that she worries about it too.

Youre the Point

KING OF WONDERS/WE STAND AMAZED/THERES NO OTHER/OTHER THAN YOU/KING OF WONDERS/YOU KNOW THE WAY TO OUR HEARTS/AND THE MORE WE SEE THE MORE WE LOVE YOU

i was on my way to church this morning, entirely unmotivated, but forcing myself to go. my family praised me for my commitment (though i lacked conviction). i was just going to be good, thats exactly how i felt, dutiful. that should never be the motivation for anything, but thats all there was, a sense of duty. so i went to fulfill it and then be done. i text my cousin on the way to church and i told her i was wondering what the point was. she told me that she couldnt answer that for me and then she said, "i wish i could have faith in something that grand."

when you ask God a question Hes guaranteed to answer, sooner or later, one way or another.

i wanted to know what the point was. i grew up in church, been going since i was a baby. the last few months have been the first that ive gone to church without friends or family that have the kind of relationship with God that i do. its hard. this morning i was wondering, through my lack of desire, if i had been going to church my entire life for all the wrong reasons. (my cousin reassured me that this was not the case.) its intimidating being the only one who sees the point. because when youre the minority you wonder if youre the one whos missing something, because no one else seems to mind not having what you have. (however the key word is 'seems', and as you can tell from the text i got from my cousin, some part of her minds.) some days its easier to forsake what i believe in, to pretend that i dont believe in it or to just keep quiet about it. in some twisted fashion everyone wins. (but that too is a load.)

my cousin admitted that she wants what i have (just not in so many words). so then i have to decide is what i have worth sharing? all my life i have told myself and others that i believe it is. but all my life i have been surrounded by people who believe the very same thing. now im not. so now i have to decide again, is what i have worth sharing? and if so, then why am i not?

i asked what the point was. God gave me an answer.

my cousin is the point. my family is the point. the stranger at starbucks is the point. every soul that longs to believe in something bigger than itself. every heart that cant shake the feeling that there has to be something more. and you.

you are the point! and im sorry that i forgot that.

Dont Be Afraid to Share

About a month ago we learned that the clinical trial medication my grandmother was taking wasnt working, the CAT scan showed that her tumor had grown. We asked the doctor what the chemo options were, we scheduled an appointment for the day that she would start it, had the prescriptions filled, and then waited for that day to arrive. However at this doctors appointment no one wanted to ask the only question that was really important, what her prognosis was if she did nothing. I had to know. The doctor said, "at best, one year" and then he apologized. I had to walk back into that hospital room so I couldn't call apart...but I wanted to. One year at best. Not surprising, but not easy to hear either. Later that week I told my cousin. Her initial response was that we knew that already, that's what the doctor said the first time around. My cousin is like me, we don't wear our hearts on our sleeves all the time, in our family it's not a luxury we have nor is it one we would take advantage of even if we did. My cousin and I were headed out for some drinks with a friend, and somehow we landed on the subject of our dying grandmother. At that point the tears were inevitable. She looked at me and said, "it's not much time". 

Sometimes it's better to say nothing then to try to find comforting words, and so I said nothing. I felt the same way, and I knew that there was nothing that I could hear that would make me feel better, so why bother? However, that statement resonated with me, I couldn't shake it. There was so much more to be said, but what? It took me a few days to shed even the slightest amount of hope through the finality of this situation, but finally I did. What you will read next is my attempt at finding the silver lining...


One year.

Maybe less.
But not more.
One year.
It's not much time.
With life in the fast lane years pass like days.
One year.
One birthday.
One Thanksgiving.
One Christmas.
One less then we thought she'd miss.
One year.
Maybe less.
At most, 365 days we can choose not to take for granted.
One year.
Maybe less.
But not more.
One year.
It's not much time.
But maybe it's enough.
One year to say 'i love you'.
365 days to say 'thank you'.
8,760 hours worth of memories.
525,600 breath taking moments.
31,536,000 seconds you'll never have again.
One year.
Maybe less.
It's not much time.
But maybe it's enough.


Initially I posted this on my blog "Sweet Silver Lining", I was skeptical to post it on my facebook because I'm friends with all my family, and I wasn't ure of their reaction. It's a touchy subject as you can imagine. However I had this nagging thought that I should and run this risk of offending someone. It's God's way of reminding me that I wrote it for a reason, my cousin sparked something, but left it in a hopeless state, and I was supposed to bring it full circle with my words. I posted it on facebook and I asked that no one comment on it. Tonight my cousin read it. Afterward I got this text, "just read 'maybe it's enough'. i love your words and i love you." This situation needs hope, and if I have that I can't be afraid to share it!

Family, Cant Live With Them and Wont Survive Without Them

No matter the size, social status, religion, race, or color, whether you come from a single parent family, divorced and remarried parents, or your parents just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary, every family has them! Every family has the matriarch, the one who hosts the best holiday dinners because nobody cooks like her or the one who spoils all the kids rotten. Every family has the fun aunt/uncle, the aunt who wears too much lip stick, the aunt who loves to pinch your cheeks (and usually those aunts are one in the same). Then there's the rich hermit that no one knows much about, the one who's been married too many times to count, the rebel, the addict/alcoholic, the perpetual grouch, the hopeless optimistic, the "religious" fanatic, and the comedian. However, let's not forget the know-it-all, the smartass, and the control freak! (if this really only applies to my family then y'all are missing out!) Sounds like a circus right?! But it's like I said, can't live with them but won't survive without them.


If you were to look up the word 'crazy' in the dictionary you would see a picture of my family. You would also see the same picture if you looked up the word 'reliable'. For my family lunacy is genetic, as is impatience and what I like to call the 'bitch switch' (this last one is more a problem for the women folk, at any given point in time if someone flips that switch, whoever is on the receiving end is as good as gone). But this is only one side of my hair-brained family.


The other side, the reliability, when in full swing actually makes our lunacy worth standing (which is not an easy job). If your family is anything like mine then it's full of all the little quirks that make you want to scratch your eyeballs out and yet you can't seem to go on without them. There's just something about that crazy bunch that keeps you from trading in for an upgrade. Whatever that reason is, hang onto is, because it comes in handy when you want to disown them!


There are times when my family gives me more headaches than anything else, BUT, the days that they don't give me that feeling are worth the days they do. When I need my family they're always there, I have never and will never doubt that (granted there are times when I don't want them there, but that's different). No matter who walks in or out of my life my family is always there, even on the days I feel stuck with them I'm still grateful!


I may not be able to live with my family but I sure don't want to try to live without them!