I talked to my mom the other night. The plan is that she and my sister are going to drive down from Eugene during spring break. My mom asked if I was okay with an invite for said trip being extended to my best friend. Under normal circumstances that wouldve been a no-brainer, but the last six months have been anything but normal for her and I. I told my mom yes anyway. Then my mom asked if I would be the one to ask her. Moms are funny...
I have already asked my BF twice and both times she said no, backed by a list of reasons, almost all of which were legitimate. Even though her decline was disappointing it was easier. With as much as I want to see her, seeing her is harder. What happened between us (and as the saying goes, it does 'take two to tango') rocked the boat in a very big way. Even in talking to her, she reminds me of how difficult things have been. Now she doesn't know that and I would never tell her (and she doesn't read this), but to my heart she stands as the symbol of a hurt I never want to experience again. So while on the really good days I want her right here with me, changing the world just like we'd planned, it's days like today that I'm terrified to let her anywhere near me. (the stupid thing is the majority of the hurt was not her fault, it just started with her, hence why she's the symbol.)
She's my partner in crime, of course I want her wreaking havoc right alongside me, but with as close as I want to hold her is as far as I want my heart to stay from her. And it's not because I'm afraid of her hurting me, I'm just afraid of getting hurt.
It's like I have to choose between the lesser of two evils; loneliness or vulnerability.
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