I am young with an old soul
I am a daughter
I am a sister
I am a friend
I am understanding
I am childish
I am mothering
I am talented
I am simple
I am complicated
I am creative
I am a writer
I am a musician
I am fashion conscious
I am a quick learner
I am tough
I am sensitive
I am strong-headed
I am light-hearted
I am imperfect
I am a follower of Christ
I am a good listener
I am selfish
I am selfless
I am determined
I am successful
I am beautiful
I am spontaneous
I am funny
I am me
Take it or leave it
Friday, February 26, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
What's My Secret?
Tonight a friend asked me how my heart stayed so soft. I've been through a hell of a lot in the last year and this friend was there for all for it. She wanted to know what my secret was. How is it that I'm still so patient and full of second chances? How is it that I still want to love people?
The only answer I could come up with is that I'm addicted to feeling. And not just feeling anything but something real. So if I wake up in the morning in a great mood I want to enjoy that, no questions asked. Or if I'm bearing a hurt so crushing that I can't tell which way is up, so be it. As long as it's real I can work through it or enjoy it.
So I guess that's my secret. I would rather feel everything than nothing. Nothing is harder. Feeling nothing means you're a stranger to yourself and to the rest of the world. And I want to know me so thr world can know me, the real me.
The only answer I could come up with is that I'm addicted to feeling. And not just feeling anything but something real. So if I wake up in the morning in a great mood I want to enjoy that, no questions asked. Or if I'm bearing a hurt so crushing that I can't tell which way is up, so be it. As long as it's real I can work through it or enjoy it.
So I guess that's my secret. I would rather feel everything than nothing. Nothing is harder. Feeling nothing means you're a stranger to yourself and to the rest of the world. And I want to know me so thr world can know me, the real me.
Is the Truth Always Worth It?!
I was both praised and condemned for being honest with you.
There are some days when I think that if I had to do it all over I wouldn't change anything. But there are other days that I feel like if given a 'do-over' i'd do it all differently.
I'm not sorry for being honest with you, in how I felt or what I thought, and I wouldn't ever want you to feel like you had to be sorry for being honest with me.
But there were times that I chose being honest with you over just simply loving you and for that I am sorry. See I was angry, and not even really at you, I just took it out on you and I am so sorry for that. I never wanted you to feel like you couldn't trust me.
There are some days when I think that if I had to do it all over I wouldn't change anything. But there are other days that I feel like if given a 'do-over' i'd do it all differently.
I'm not sorry for being honest with you, in how I felt or what I thought, and I wouldn't ever want you to feel like you had to be sorry for being honest with me.
But there were times that I chose being honest with you over just simply loving you and for that I am sorry. See I was angry, and not even really at you, I just took it out on you and I am so sorry for that. I never wanted you to feel like you couldn't trust me.
Always Home
Awhile back I wrote a series of blogs called The Singer, The Songwriter, and The Finale (also the titles of a great trilogy by Calvin Miller).
The Singer is about a girl called to change the world with her voice. She has the voice of an angel and the temper of an undisciplined artist. However, combine her passion and her gift and you have a dynamite combination. But try telling her that. She learns through trial and error and until she takes the plunge, she'll never know for sure. If she wanted she could just take everyones word for it, but there comes a point where she has to find it out on her own. Hopefully the first day of the rest of her life is today.
And then there's The Songwriter, struggling with doubt, from herself and from people she thought she could trust. Constantly wondering if she has what it takes and at the same time knowing that if she changes even one life it will be enough. So she keeps writing. And she puts herself out there for the world to rule in favor or against her. Waiting...for the songs she writes to be sung.
The Finale, it's currently TBD. God has big plans for both of them, but He's not giving any spoilers, not even to them, though they ask. For these two sometimes only knowing there is a point is enough, and other times they want to know what the point is. Most of the time they're out of luck and all they're left to do is trust. Trust is a verb, something that's not enough to talk about, but you actually have to do it. I wish I could flip to the back of their stories and tell you how it ends, but I can't. All I know is that their stories already have the greatest endings, no matter what goes on along the way.
If there's anything that can be learned from these two is that sometimes the only way you know for sure is to risk it all. For the times that it doesn't work out the way you want (or thought), dust yourself off and try again, but do it differently this time. Other times things don't fall into place as quickly as you hoped, but don't give up, it doesn't mean they won't, it just means there's more to pay attention to. And if, for some odd (and unlikely) reason these two chase their dreams to the edge of the map and it's not what they thought or wanted, if it's not everything that was promised, there's always home.
Home...that one place they will never doubt if they belong.
The Singer is about a girl called to change the world with her voice. She has the voice of an angel and the temper of an undisciplined artist. However, combine her passion and her gift and you have a dynamite combination. But try telling her that. She learns through trial and error and until she takes the plunge, she'll never know for sure. If she wanted she could just take everyones word for it, but there comes a point where she has to find it out on her own. Hopefully the first day of the rest of her life is today.
And then there's The Songwriter, struggling with doubt, from herself and from people she thought she could trust. Constantly wondering if she has what it takes and at the same time knowing that if she changes even one life it will be enough. So she keeps writing. And she puts herself out there for the world to rule in favor or against her. Waiting...for the songs she writes to be sung.
The Finale, it's currently TBD. God has big plans for both of them, but He's not giving any spoilers, not even to them, though they ask. For these two sometimes only knowing there is a point is enough, and other times they want to know what the point is. Most of the time they're out of luck and all they're left to do is trust. Trust is a verb, something that's not enough to talk about, but you actually have to do it. I wish I could flip to the back of their stories and tell you how it ends, but I can't. All I know is that their stories already have the greatest endings, no matter what goes on along the way.
If there's anything that can be learned from these two is that sometimes the only way you know for sure is to risk it all. For the times that it doesn't work out the way you want (or thought), dust yourself off and try again, but do it differently this time. Other times things don't fall into place as quickly as you hoped, but don't give up, it doesn't mean they won't, it just means there's more to pay attention to. And if, for some odd (and unlikely) reason these two chase their dreams to the edge of the map and it's not what they thought or wanted, if it's not everything that was promised, there's always home.
Home...that one place they will never doubt if they belong.
Monday, February 22, 2010
It Was A Great Day
Ever have one of those days where you feel trapped inside your own head? Where everything about your day reminds you of somewhere else and a completely different point in time? Ever spend the better part of that day trying to escape to no avail?
This was my day. And I had given up hope for it to change. It's funny what finds you when you stop searching and simply wait. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I started crying. They weren't tears of joy or sadness, but freedom and an overwhelming awe of who my God is!
It took all of five minutes to make a day I couldve done without a great day!
This was my day. And I had given up hope for it to change. It's funny what finds you when you stop searching and simply wait. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and I started crying. They weren't tears of joy or sadness, but freedom and an overwhelming awe of who my God is!
It took all of five minutes to make a day I couldve done without a great day!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
I Believe in Happy Endings
I got the call I didn't expect. The one I thought would take a lot longer to get. And on the other end...she was crying. You can't hold someone as they're falling apart over the phone. And you can't cure loneliness from a thousand miles away.
But I know it's going to be okay.
There's this greatness inside of her that all the tragedy in the world won't taint, it only gets buried. And the hurt of life will produce in her a strength to unearth it...if she'll let it. And I know she will. It's hard but it's what she wants. I don't doubt that she'll pull through.
She believes in happy endings too.
But I know it's going to be okay.
There's this greatness inside of her that all the tragedy in the world won't taint, it only gets buried. And the hurt of life will produce in her a strength to unearth it...if she'll let it. And I know she will. It's hard but it's what she wants. I don't doubt that she'll pull through.
She believes in happy endings too.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Three's A Crowd
I want people to be able to lose themselves in my story so that they might find themselves. Well, I've left a big part of my story out...God.
I grew up in church. I became a christian at the ripe young age of six, and my dad baptized me. Now before I go any further it occurs to me that some of you may have no idea what 'became a Christian means'. I have a wide array of "churchy" answers, but I've found that they dont satisfy the skeptic (hell, they don't satisfy me). In a nutshell, for me at least, it means that I recognized my need for help navigating life. Even at six I knew that my selfishness hurt others, my pride and rebellion hurt me, and if there was a better way, I wanted it. I understood that Gods way of compassion, forgiveness, grace, and love was better than my way of vengence, bitterness, greed, and hatred.
But still I was only six and there was a lot of life I hadn experienced. I knew God but I had lived a blessed life and so didn't know what He was saving me from beyond eternal damnation.
My parents have been involved in church my whole life, as youth pastors, associate pastors, worship leaders, and Sunday school teachers. I was at church all the time or surrounded by people from church constantly. For the longest time it was all I knew. Christian friends. Christian teachers, even though I went to a public school, life was great! My parents are still married, always had a roof over my head and food in my stomach, life was great...on the outside.
On the inside I had no idea who I was and was too proud to admit it. Both my parents were pastors, I had to have it all together (so I believed), but I didn't. I thought getting involved would make it better so I started teaching childrens church, joined the worship team, brought refreshments, was at every potluck and womens luncheon. Went to Mexico three times on mission trips. Went to creationfest. Became a youth leader. Counseled for years at a Christian camp. Everything I was asked to do I did. (mind you I regret none of it.) Even when it got to the place where I was only doing it (whatever it was) because it was expected I still couldt say no. And I internalized everything! I wouldn't talk to my friends and felt like I couldn't talk to my parents. My relationship with them had grown distant and I knew it was my fault. I wanted so badly to fix it but felt like I couldn't, my actions and attitude (though they were never that bad) somehow seemed unforgivable in my eyes. On top of that I felt like my mom had given up on me and my dads indifference made it easy not to care. I was miserable and couldn't see how confronting any of it could work out for the better so I tried to hide from it at the bottom of the bottle. And when that wasn't enough I started cutting myself. I was sixteen.
Looking back I don't know what made me think it was going to fix everything, one day I just started and it gave me the release I wanted, the release I thought I needed. It was my solution for the days that I felt like hell. But I wasn't enjoying it. I would sob as I did it. Beg God to stop me because I couldn't stop myself. Had countless conversations with myself of how much easier life would be if I was gone. Every night I tried to talk myself into making that night my last night. But...
GOD IS REAL and I am living proof of that because I wouldn't be here if He wasn't. No one else knew that i'd hit rock bottom, in fact I didn't tell my parents or my closest friends until two years after the fact. But I wasn't alone. Sometimes the decisions we make early in life don't play out until later. I didn't know at six that I would need rescuing from myself a decade later, but God did. My senior year of high school I had three friends commit suicide. None of them were Christians. No one else knew the depths of my hopelessness so I have to believe that knowing God makes a difference. Night after night it was God, me, and the knife, and there is no other explanation than He saved my life because I was ready to take it.
Chritstians have this bad reputation of being fake, having it easy, and being hypocritical. I'm sorry for that. Having it all together isn't realistic, but being real isn't easy. With that said, I drink (not excessively but it happens), I've driven while intoxicated, I've stolen, lied, cheated. I curse (just because I can), I don't go to church every Sunday, I was anorexic, and occassionally I enjoy a good cigar. I've cut class, I've gossiped, spread rumors, and sought revenge. Now you may be thinking this sounds 'normal' and you would be right, it does. Being a christian is not about elevating yourself above making mistakes, nor is it about hiding them. I'm a work in progress and proud of it!
Being a Christian isn't about following the rules or telling others when they've fallen short, even though that happens and even though I've done it. It's not about pointing your finger at everyone else or pretending you have it all together. It IS about waking up every morning and admitting you're a mess and that you need help. It IS about forgiving those who have hurt you because you've hurt someone and been forgiven. It IS about being patient with others because you didn't get it right the first time either. It IS about loving those around you especially when they don't deserve it. And most importantly being a Christian is about allowing this 'distant', 'untouchable' God become your closest friend.
My life has been incredible, but no where near perfect. There are moments of total ease and others when it's my own personal hell. The only constant is my God.
I grew up in church. I became a christian at the ripe young age of six, and my dad baptized me. Now before I go any further it occurs to me that some of you may have no idea what 'became a Christian means'. I have a wide array of "churchy" answers, but I've found that they dont satisfy the skeptic (hell, they don't satisfy me). In a nutshell, for me at least, it means that I recognized my need for help navigating life. Even at six I knew that my selfishness hurt others, my pride and rebellion hurt me, and if there was a better way, I wanted it. I understood that Gods way of compassion, forgiveness, grace, and love was better than my way of vengence, bitterness, greed, and hatred.
But still I was only six and there was a lot of life I hadn experienced. I knew God but I had lived a blessed life and so didn't know what He was saving me from beyond eternal damnation.
My parents have been involved in church my whole life, as youth pastors, associate pastors, worship leaders, and Sunday school teachers. I was at church all the time or surrounded by people from church constantly. For the longest time it was all I knew. Christian friends. Christian teachers, even though I went to a public school, life was great! My parents are still married, always had a roof over my head and food in my stomach, life was great...on the outside.
On the inside I had no idea who I was and was too proud to admit it. Both my parents were pastors, I had to have it all together (so I believed), but I didn't. I thought getting involved would make it better so I started teaching childrens church, joined the worship team, brought refreshments, was at every potluck and womens luncheon. Went to Mexico three times on mission trips. Went to creationfest. Became a youth leader. Counseled for years at a Christian camp. Everything I was asked to do I did. (mind you I regret none of it.) Even when it got to the place where I was only doing it (whatever it was) because it was expected I still couldt say no. And I internalized everything! I wouldn't talk to my friends and felt like I couldn't talk to my parents. My relationship with them had grown distant and I knew it was my fault. I wanted so badly to fix it but felt like I couldn't, my actions and attitude (though they were never that bad) somehow seemed unforgivable in my eyes. On top of that I felt like my mom had given up on me and my dads indifference made it easy not to care. I was miserable and couldn't see how confronting any of it could work out for the better so I tried to hide from it at the bottom of the bottle. And when that wasn't enough I started cutting myself. I was sixteen.
Looking back I don't know what made me think it was going to fix everything, one day I just started and it gave me the release I wanted, the release I thought I needed. It was my solution for the days that I felt like hell. But I wasn't enjoying it. I would sob as I did it. Beg God to stop me because I couldn't stop myself. Had countless conversations with myself of how much easier life would be if I was gone. Every night I tried to talk myself into making that night my last night. But...
GOD IS REAL and I am living proof of that because I wouldn't be here if He wasn't. No one else knew that i'd hit rock bottom, in fact I didn't tell my parents or my closest friends until two years after the fact. But I wasn't alone. Sometimes the decisions we make early in life don't play out until later. I didn't know at six that I would need rescuing from myself a decade later, but God did. My senior year of high school I had three friends commit suicide. None of them were Christians. No one else knew the depths of my hopelessness so I have to believe that knowing God makes a difference. Night after night it was God, me, and the knife, and there is no other explanation than He saved my life because I was ready to take it.
Chritstians have this bad reputation of being fake, having it easy, and being hypocritical. I'm sorry for that. Having it all together isn't realistic, but being real isn't easy. With that said, I drink (not excessively but it happens), I've driven while intoxicated, I've stolen, lied, cheated. I curse (just because I can), I don't go to church every Sunday, I was anorexic, and occassionally I enjoy a good cigar. I've cut class, I've gossiped, spread rumors, and sought revenge. Now you may be thinking this sounds 'normal' and you would be right, it does. Being a christian is not about elevating yourself above making mistakes, nor is it about hiding them. I'm a work in progress and proud of it!
Being a Christian isn't about following the rules or telling others when they've fallen short, even though that happens and even though I've done it. It's not about pointing your finger at everyone else or pretending you have it all together. It IS about waking up every morning and admitting you're a mess and that you need help. It IS about forgiving those who have hurt you because you've hurt someone and been forgiven. It IS about being patient with others because you didn't get it right the first time either. It IS about loving those around you especially when they don't deserve it. And most importantly being a Christian is about allowing this 'distant', 'untouchable' God become your closest friend.
My life has been incredible, but no where near perfect. There are moments of total ease and others when it's my own personal hell. The only constant is my God.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Life Ends with Death
Death is definite, there are no "sort of's" or "maybe's", it either is or it isn't the reality. And if death is the reality then it also means you'll be faced with an indefinite number of goodbyes void of a hello.
As a kid I never thought about my grandmother dying and not that I was unaware of death, my first funeral was at age five, but when someone has always been there you don't imagine them gone. But here I am, pushing twenty-three years old and looking after my dying grandmother. Now don't get me wrong, I'm doing it willingly and I love it, but it's hard sometimes. Currently she has a doctors appointment every tuesday, after which I make my round of phone calls: one cousin, four aunts, and my parents. It's during those calls that I wonder how much longer until I make the call that no one wants to get? When she naps during the day I'll go check on her and sometimes I can't tell if she's breathing and I don't want to wake her so I'll stand and watch until I know it's okay to leave. I wonder if she'll die at home or in the hospital, if it will be painful or if she'll pass in her sleep, peacefully. I wonder if I'm the one that will find her. I try not to think about this at all, for one she wouldn't want me to, and two, I would go crazy with worry. But sometimes I can't help it.
No matter your age (or theirs) death is never easy to deal with and at age five I never dreamed that eighteen years would pass and I would find myself here. I will never be sorry for the decision that I made, but that doesn't make it easier.
Heaven and hell aside, life on this earth end wih death and that is forever...
As a kid I never thought about my grandmother dying and not that I was unaware of death, my first funeral was at age five, but when someone has always been there you don't imagine them gone. But here I am, pushing twenty-three years old and looking after my dying grandmother. Now don't get me wrong, I'm doing it willingly and I love it, but it's hard sometimes. Currently she has a doctors appointment every tuesday, after which I make my round of phone calls: one cousin, four aunts, and my parents. It's during those calls that I wonder how much longer until I make the call that no one wants to get? When she naps during the day I'll go check on her and sometimes I can't tell if she's breathing and I don't want to wake her so I'll stand and watch until I know it's okay to leave. I wonder if she'll die at home or in the hospital, if it will be painful or if she'll pass in her sleep, peacefully. I wonder if I'm the one that will find her. I try not to think about this at all, for one she wouldn't want me to, and two, I would go crazy with worry. But sometimes I can't help it.
No matter your age (or theirs) death is never easy to deal with and at age five I never dreamed that eighteen years would pass and I would find myself here. I will never be sorry for the decision that I made, but that doesn't make it easier.
Heaven and hell aside, life on this earth end wih death and that is forever...
Getting to Know Myself
There's nothing quite like having everything important to you slowly stripped away from you. Nothing like that emptiness to force you to look at yourself. And strange things happen when you get to know you.
I've learned what makes me tick, my pet peeves, the quickest way to make me happy. I know that putting pen to paper is the quickest way to clarity. Music never fails to place me in the position to feel...anything. I enjoy getting to know me, I'm not always the greatest company, but it's worth it.
The only downside to knowing myself so well is knowing what to avoid when I don't want clarity or when I don't want to feel or do the right thing. They say that the very thing you try so hard to forget eventually becomes the only thing you remember. So I spend all day trying to forget that I know me and what will keep me from insanity, but by nightfall it's all I remember and the only thing holding my attention. I have no choice but to come to the only place that makes sense.
So here I am...
I've learned what makes me tick, my pet peeves, the quickest way to make me happy. I know that putting pen to paper is the quickest way to clarity. Music never fails to place me in the position to feel...anything. I enjoy getting to know me, I'm not always the greatest company, but it's worth it.
The only downside to knowing myself so well is knowing what to avoid when I don't want clarity or when I don't want to feel or do the right thing. They say that the very thing you try so hard to forget eventually becomes the only thing you remember. So I spend all day trying to forget that I know me and what will keep me from insanity, but by nightfall it's all I remember and the only thing holding my attention. I have no choice but to come to the only place that makes sense.
So here I am...
The Company I Kept Tonight
"World Spins Madly On" The Weepies
"You Wanted It" MoZella
"Concrete Bed" Nada Surf
"He Lays in the Reins" Calexico & Iron/Wine
"The Queen and I" Gym Class Heroes
"Hear You Me" Jimmy Eat World
"Polaris" Jimmy Eat World
"Bela Lugosi's Dead" Bauhaus
"Moonlight on the Snow" Trembling Blue Stars
"Disintegration" The Cure
"You Wanted It" MoZella
"Concrete Bed" Nada Surf
"He Lays in the Reins" Calexico & Iron/Wine
"The Queen and I" Gym Class Heroes
"Hear You Me" Jimmy Eat World
"Polaris" Jimmy Eat World
"Bela Lugosi's Dead" Bauhaus
"Moonlight on the Snow" Trembling Blue Stars
"Disintegration" The Cure
Monday, February 8, 2010
Life is About You Being You
Everyone has an opinion, good luck escaping those. Everyone feels the need to share their opinion, whether or not its asked for, good luck changing that. Everyone thinks they know whats best for you, good luck living up to that. Everyone has their own idea of "right", good luck living up to those ideas. Everyone tells you to learn from their mistakes, good luck avoiding making any of your own. Everyone has their version of success, good luck succeeding with their ideas. But...
Life is not about you being everyone else, and its not about everyone else being you. Life is about you being you. No ifs ands or buts about it.
Life is not about you being everyone else, and its not about everyone else being you. Life is about you being you. No ifs ands or buts about it.
Successful...to be or not to be?!
Doubt is a pain in the ass, I was going to say that it was a funny thing, but its really not! Doubt does annoying things to the human psyche, and again by annoying I mean "pain in the ass" things.
When I made the decision to move to LA I told less than half of the people in my life what I was doing. Part of me wants to over analyze that decision and turn my motivations behind that inside out, but honestly how important is that really? Now that I'm here, living in LA, I am playing catch up with the people who are slowly finding out that I am no longer calling eugene home. Every question they pose makes me feel like even in the week that I have been here I should have more of my shit together (pardon the expression). I don't think they intentionally mean to do this, it's just hard for my mind not to wonder if these people are asking because they really care or if they are asking only to tell me that I'm wrong and selfish (because I've heard that too). It makes me wonder if they think that I will be successful, or if I even can be.
Like I said, doubt can be a pain in the ass!
However, in thinking the doubt all the way through to the end it all boils down to how I define success, not how everyone else defines it. I started writing when I was twelve, and the first time I truly enjoyed it was in having to write a poem for a literature class. I never thought of pursuing it as a career, ever! I wanted to be a doctor, but here I am.
Success is defined by a lot of things, but I only need to know what being successful is to me to keep from going insane with doubt. So for me the success comes from reading a comment that someone I dont know posted on my blog. Success is reading something Ive written to a room full of people and after having even just one person thank me for doing so. Success is watching a room full of people enjoy a song that I wrote knowing that none of them know its mine. Success is hearing friends, family, and strangers tell me to never stop. Success is hearing others tell me they wish they could write like me. Success is having someone tell me that I wrote the words they couldnt find. Success is someone telling me that my writing inspired them to write too. Success is knowing that I made a difference in someone else's life, even if its only one. Remembering all of this keeps me sane!
I leave you now with this quote from Fame...
"There are a few things that success is not...success is not fame, money, or power. Success is waking up in the morning so excited about what you have to do that you literally FLY out the door. Success is getting to work with the people you love. Success is finding a way of connecting and binding them together. Success is connecting with the world. Success is falling asleep knowing you did the best you could. Success is joy, friendship, and freedom. Success is LOVE!"
When I made the decision to move to LA I told less than half of the people in my life what I was doing. Part of me wants to over analyze that decision and turn my motivations behind that inside out, but honestly how important is that really? Now that I'm here, living in LA, I am playing catch up with the people who are slowly finding out that I am no longer calling eugene home. Every question they pose makes me feel like even in the week that I have been here I should have more of my shit together (pardon the expression). I don't think they intentionally mean to do this, it's just hard for my mind not to wonder if these people are asking because they really care or if they are asking only to tell me that I'm wrong and selfish (because I've heard that too). It makes me wonder if they think that I will be successful, or if I even can be.
Like I said, doubt can be a pain in the ass!
However, in thinking the doubt all the way through to the end it all boils down to how I define success, not how everyone else defines it. I started writing when I was twelve, and the first time I truly enjoyed it was in having to write a poem for a literature class. I never thought of pursuing it as a career, ever! I wanted to be a doctor, but here I am.
Success is defined by a lot of things, but I only need to know what being successful is to me to keep from going insane with doubt. So for me the success comes from reading a comment that someone I dont know posted on my blog. Success is reading something Ive written to a room full of people and after having even just one person thank me for doing so. Success is watching a room full of people enjoy a song that I wrote knowing that none of them know its mine. Success is hearing friends, family, and strangers tell me to never stop. Success is hearing others tell me they wish they could write like me. Success is having someone tell me that I wrote the words they couldnt find. Success is someone telling me that my writing inspired them to write too. Success is knowing that I made a difference in someone else's life, even if its only one. Remembering all of this keeps me sane!
I leave you now with this quote from Fame...
"There are a few things that success is not...success is not fame, money, or power. Success is waking up in the morning so excited about what you have to do that you literally FLY out the door. Success is getting to work with the people you love. Success is finding a way of connecting and binding them together. Success is connecting with the world. Success is falling asleep knowing you did the best you could. Success is joy, friendship, and freedom. Success is LOVE!"
It Just so Happens that I do
You'd have to know her really well to hear the unhappiness behind the awkwardly timed laughter. You'd have to know her really well to know that she knows why she did it even when she says she doesn't. You'd have to know her really well to know that there's more to it than it being "fun". You'd have to know her really well to know which decisions are normal and which ones are cries for help.
I just so happen to know her that well.
I was torn between yelling and crying, but while on the phone I managed to maintain my composure. I simply told her that I loved her and to be careful! When I hung up I just stood there, shocked at the news I had received, more shocked because of who I received it from. It broke my heart, but I couldn't cry, not again, and not anymore.
On the phone she told me that she appreciated the fact that no one told her to stop. All I could think of was how dumb she was and how inconsiderate the people are that were with her, but then it clicked. You can only save someone from so much by getting them to quit before they cross that line, but eventually there's going to come a time where they are going to want to know their own limits and you have to simply watch as they approach that line and then cross it even when you know things aren't going to turn out well. She never would've crossed that line in front of me, hell she never would've let me cross that line, but we all have to learn sometime.
You'd have to know her really well to know the actions as of late are completely out of character for her. You'd have to know her really well to know that she's not just doing it to have fun, because she's never needed it before to be the life of the party. You'd have to know her really well to know that she's doing it because she just doesn't care anymore.
It just so happens that I know her that well.
I just so happen to know her that well.
I was torn between yelling and crying, but while on the phone I managed to maintain my composure. I simply told her that I loved her and to be careful! When I hung up I just stood there, shocked at the news I had received, more shocked because of who I received it from. It broke my heart, but I couldn't cry, not again, and not anymore.
On the phone she told me that she appreciated the fact that no one told her to stop. All I could think of was how dumb she was and how inconsiderate the people are that were with her, but then it clicked. You can only save someone from so much by getting them to quit before they cross that line, but eventually there's going to come a time where they are going to want to know their own limits and you have to simply watch as they approach that line and then cross it even when you know things aren't going to turn out well. She never would've crossed that line in front of me, hell she never would've let me cross that line, but we all have to learn sometime.
You'd have to know her really well to know the actions as of late are completely out of character for her. You'd have to know her really well to know that she's not just doing it to have fun, because she's never needed it before to be the life of the party. You'd have to know her really well to know that she's doing it because she just doesn't care anymore.
It just so happens that I know her that well.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Life is Like Basketball?!
(this is never an analogy that i ever saw myself making, so we'll see how this goes)
I've been in LA just two days shy of a week and today was the first day the sun was really out! A nice break from the rain, for sure. Well I took advantage of it and decided to play some basketball, of course it was just the ball, the hoop, and myelf, but worth it. There's nothing like a game of one on...one?!
I hadn't picked up a basketball in over a year before this morning, which is sad because I use to play. But just like riding a bike, it doesn't matter how long you go without doing it, you don't forget how. I didn't play for very long, but in that half hour it all came back to me, how and where to plant my feet, the timing for a lay up, the release point for the ball, all of it. Including that certain feeling of knowing when the ball was going in and when it wasn't. There are times when the ball leaves your hands and you realize before it gets anywhere close to the basket that it's going to come up short, there's too much spin, or not enough, or that you forced the shot because you felt the pressure and just had to get rid of the ball. (and yes you do get that feeling even playing against yourself). But that feeling you get when the ball leaves your hands and you know without a doubt that the next sound youre going to hear is the swish of the net...now that is a beautiful feeling.
Like life, we do things that we know the moment we do them we know its not going to work out the way that we want to. We hope and pray that we're wrong and that it turns out better than our gut feeling is telling us it will, but it doesn't. There are other times that we know the outcome before we take that leap and we know that it's going to be amazing! It's about taking your time, and lining up the shot, and trusting your gut from time to time. Those are the beautiful moments because they finish out with a beautiful sound!
(i have a feeling that this analogy needs work, and could be more cohesive, but I wasn't going for cohesive, I just simply wanted to express a feeling. i think i did that.)
I've been in LA just two days shy of a week and today was the first day the sun was really out! A nice break from the rain, for sure. Well I took advantage of it and decided to play some basketball, of course it was just the ball, the hoop, and myelf, but worth it. There's nothing like a game of one on...one?!
I hadn't picked up a basketball in over a year before this morning, which is sad because I use to play. But just like riding a bike, it doesn't matter how long you go without doing it, you don't forget how. I didn't play for very long, but in that half hour it all came back to me, how and where to plant my feet, the timing for a lay up, the release point for the ball, all of it. Including that certain feeling of knowing when the ball was going in and when it wasn't. There are times when the ball leaves your hands and you realize before it gets anywhere close to the basket that it's going to come up short, there's too much spin, or not enough, or that you forced the shot because you felt the pressure and just had to get rid of the ball. (and yes you do get that feeling even playing against yourself). But that feeling you get when the ball leaves your hands and you know without a doubt that the next sound youre going to hear is the swish of the net...now that is a beautiful feeling.
Like life, we do things that we know the moment we do them we know its not going to work out the way that we want to. We hope and pray that we're wrong and that it turns out better than our gut feeling is telling us it will, but it doesn't. There are other times that we know the outcome before we take that leap and we know that it's going to be amazing! It's about taking your time, and lining up the shot, and trusting your gut from time to time. Those are the beautiful moments because they finish out with a beautiful sound!
(i have a feeling that this analogy needs work, and could be more cohesive, but I wasn't going for cohesive, I just simply wanted to express a feeling. i think i did that.)
The Singer, The Songwriter, The Finale
(the finale)
We only know the story so far, the best and worst outcomes of their decisions that led us all to this point. All the laughter and tears that have brought us here have been well documented in the form of frustrated words and priceless photographs.
Currently the singer has her eyes set on everything but music and I'm not even sure she knows where her heart is. She thinks she knows what she's after, but reality will set in and she'll discover she's chased only the wind. She'll need to wrestle and conquer her demons before she ever believes she's good enough.
The songwriter worries about leaving the singer behind and alone, after all, they were suppose to change the world together. She doesn't want to believe that a singer and a writer were brought so close together only to end up further apart. However the hope of something better continues to fade. The songwriter continues, focused on changing the world, just like they planned, alone if she has to.
I wish I could write this dynamic duo a glorious ending, but I think they have different ideas of what that should be. And seeing as they were created to exisst together I can't write them separate endings. But pay close attention, these two aren't dont yet. They are destined for greatness.
The songwriter will write the words needed. The singer will sing those words and bring the dead to life.
We only know the story so far, the best and worst outcomes of their decisions that led us all to this point. All the laughter and tears that have brought us here have been well documented in the form of frustrated words and priceless photographs.
Currently the singer has her eyes set on everything but music and I'm not even sure she knows where her heart is. She thinks she knows what she's after, but reality will set in and she'll discover she's chased only the wind. She'll need to wrestle and conquer her demons before she ever believes she's good enough.
The songwriter worries about leaving the singer behind and alone, after all, they were suppose to change the world together. She doesn't want to believe that a singer and a writer were brought so close together only to end up further apart. However the hope of something better continues to fade. The songwriter continues, focused on changing the world, just like they planned, alone if she has to.
I wish I could write this dynamic duo a glorious ending, but I think they have different ideas of what that should be. And seeing as they were created to exisst together I can't write them separate endings. But pay close attention, these two aren't dont yet. They are destined for greatness.
The songwriter will write the words needed. The singer will sing those words and bring the dead to life.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I Love...
I love dancing in the rain
I love the smell of clothes fresh from the dryer
I love chocolate covered strawberries
I love late night walks with the dog
I love meeting friends for coffee
I love laying in the sun
I love the feeling of warm sand between my toes
I love eating smores for breakfast, lunch, and dinner when im camping
I love good food
I love a sincere conversation
I love a book and a blanket by the fire
I love to write
I love to get lost in the music
I love to hear uncontrollable laughter
I love plaid
I love OTH
I love keeping in touch with people
I love going on vacation
I love coming home again
I love the smell of Christmas trees
I love venti triple white mochas from starbucks
I love romantic comedies
I love my family
I love my best friend
I love breathing deep in the fresh mountain air
I love the dew on the grass first thing in the morning
I love meeting new people
I love babies
I love sleeping in on a rainy day
I love that feeling you get, hearing a great band for the first time
I love to be spontaneous
I love being the person that my friends arent afraid to call at 2 am
I love my life
I love the smell of clothes fresh from the dryer
I love chocolate covered strawberries
I love late night walks with the dog
I love meeting friends for coffee
I love laying in the sun
I love the feeling of warm sand between my toes
I love eating smores for breakfast, lunch, and dinner when im camping
I love good food
I love a sincere conversation
I love a book and a blanket by the fire
I love to write
I love to get lost in the music
I love to hear uncontrollable laughter
I love plaid
I love OTH
I love keeping in touch with people
I love going on vacation
I love coming home again
I love the smell of Christmas trees
I love venti triple white mochas from starbucks
I love romantic comedies
I love my family
I love my best friend
I love breathing deep in the fresh mountain air
I love the dew on the grass first thing in the morning
I love meeting new people
I love babies
I love sleeping in on a rainy day
I love that feeling you get, hearing a great band for the first time
I love to be spontaneous
I love being the person that my friends arent afraid to call at 2 am
I love my life
The Singer, The Songwriter, The Finale
(the singer)
She's simple. Funny. Kind-hearted. Strong-headed. Motherly. Childish. Complicated. Tough. Sensitive. Beautiful. Impulsive. Talented. Determined. Confusing. Creative. Frustrating. Loving. Passionate. Difficult. Impatient. Committed. Capable.
She's an unfocused dreamer suffering the greatest downfall of any artist...balancing creativity and discipline.
She has a voice that isn't heard enough and when she braves her own criticism to gift the world with something heavenly it's still held back. She remains restrained by this twisted timid version of herself.
She's read the words that she alone was hand picked to sing, but isn't ready. They tell a story that is too close to home, filled with demons she doesn't want to face. The world longs for something real and she's
afraid. She's young and only certain of her uncertainty. But...one day the singer will fall victim to the passion and will live for nothing else.
She's simple. Funny. Kind-hearted. Strong-headed. Motherly. Childish. Complicated. Tough. Sensitive. Beautiful. Impulsive. Talented. Determined. Confusing. Creative. Frustrating. Loving. Passionate. Difficult. Impatient. Committed. Capable.
She's an unfocused dreamer suffering the greatest downfall of any artist...balancing creativity and discipline.
She has a voice that isn't heard enough and when she braves her own criticism to gift the world with something heavenly it's still held back. She remains restrained by this twisted timid version of herself.
She's read the words that she alone was hand picked to sing, but isn't ready. They tell a story that is too close to home, filled with demons she doesn't want to face. The world longs for something real and she's
afraid. She's young and only certain of her uncertainty. But...one day the singer will fall victim to the passion and will live for nothing else.
The Singer, The Songwriter, The Finale
(the songwriter)
She's mysterious. Easily understood. Intelligent. Compassionate. Impatient. Funny. Frustrating. Strong-willed. Gentle. Opinionated. Understanding. Childish. Motherly. Determined. Talented. Afraid. Sensitive. Impulsive. Creative. Able. Beautiful. Complicated. Independent.
She's a tortured artist fighting to keep her lyrics gritty, harsh, honest, and truly beautiful.
She has shelves full of notebooks containing a lifetime of noteless songs waiting for the chords to be composed just right, waiting for that voice that's suppose to set the agony free.
She's gifted and driven and finally knows what to do...but she's incomplete. What good is a songwriter without a singer? Those pages will stay as they are, tucked away, unheard, until the singer realizes
she's been ready her whole life.
Here's to someday. Cheers.
She's mysterious. Easily understood. Intelligent. Compassionate. Impatient. Funny. Frustrating. Strong-willed. Gentle. Opinionated. Understanding. Childish. Motherly. Determined. Talented. Afraid. Sensitive. Impulsive. Creative. Able. Beautiful. Complicated. Independent.
She's a tortured artist fighting to keep her lyrics gritty, harsh, honest, and truly beautiful.
She has shelves full of notebooks containing a lifetime of noteless songs waiting for the chords to be composed just right, waiting for that voice that's suppose to set the agony free.
She's gifted and driven and finally knows what to do...but she's incomplete. What good is a songwriter without a singer? Those pages will stay as they are, tucked away, unheard, until the singer realizes
she's been ready her whole life.
Here's to someday. Cheers.
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