Doubt is a pain in the ass, I was going to say that it was a funny thing, but its really not! Doubt does annoying things to the human psyche, and again by annoying I mean "pain in the ass" things.
When I made the decision to move to LA I told less than half of the people in my life what I was doing. Part of me wants to over analyze that decision and turn my motivations behind that inside out, but honestly how important is that really? Now that I'm here, living in LA, I am playing catch up with the people who are slowly finding out that I am no longer calling eugene home. Every question they pose makes me feel like even in the week that I have been here I should have more of my shit together (pardon the expression). I don't think they intentionally mean to do this, it's just hard for my mind not to wonder if these people are asking because they really care or if they are asking only to tell me that I'm wrong and selfish (because I've heard that too). It makes me wonder if they think that I will be successful, or if I even can be.
Like I said, doubt can be a pain in the ass!
However, in thinking the doubt all the way through to the end it all boils down to how I define success, not how everyone else defines it. I started writing when I was twelve, and the first time I truly enjoyed it was in having to write a poem for a literature class. I never thought of pursuing it as a career, ever! I wanted to be a doctor, but here I am.
Success is defined by a lot of things, but I only need to know what being successful is to me to keep from going insane with doubt. So for me the success comes from reading a comment that someone I dont know posted on my blog. Success is reading something Ive written to a room full of people and after having even just one person thank me for doing so. Success is watching a room full of people enjoy a song that I wrote knowing that none of them know its mine. Success is hearing friends, family, and strangers tell me to never stop. Success is hearing others tell me they wish they could write like me. Success is having someone tell me that I wrote the words they couldnt find. Success is someone telling me that my writing inspired them to write too. Success is knowing that I made a difference in someone else's life, even if its only one. Remembering all of this keeps me sane!
I leave you now with this quote from Fame...
"There are a few things that success is not...success is not fame, money, or power. Success is waking up in the morning so excited about what you have to do that you literally FLY out the door. Success is getting to work with the people you love. Success is finding a way of connecting and binding them together. Success is connecting with the world. Success is falling asleep knowing you did the best you could. Success is joy, friendship, and freedom. Success is LOVE!"
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