Three's A Crowd

I want people to be able to lose themselves in my story so that they might find themselves. Well, I've left a big part of my story out...God.


I grew up in church. I became a christian at the ripe young age of six, and my dad baptized me. Now before I go any further it occurs to me that some of you may have no idea what 'became a Christian means'. I have a wide array of "churchy" answers, but I've found that they dont satisfy the skeptic (hell, they don't satisfy me). In a nutshell, for me at least, it means that I recognized my need for help navigating life. Even at six I knew that my selfishness hurt others, my pride and rebellion hurt me, and if there was a better way, I wanted it. I understood that Gods way of compassion, forgiveness, grace, and love was better than my way of vengence, bitterness, greed, and hatred.
But still I was only six and there was a lot of life I hadn experienced. I knew God but I had lived a blessed life and so didn't know what He was saving me from beyond eternal damnation.
My parents have been involved in church my whole life, as youth pastors, associate pastors, worship leaders, and Sunday school teachers. I was at church all the time or surrounded by people from church constantly. For the longest time it was all I knew. Christian friends. Christian teachers, even though I went to a public school, life was great! My parents are still married, always had a roof over my head and food in my stomach, life was great...on the outside.
On the inside I had no idea who I was and was too proud to admit it. Both my parents were pastors, I had to have it all together (so I believed), but I didn't. I thought getting involved would make it better so I started teaching childrens church, joined the worship team, brought refreshments, was at every potluck and womens luncheon. Went to Mexico three times on mission trips. Went to creationfest. Became a youth leader. Counseled for years at a Christian camp. Everything I was asked to do I did. (mind you I regret none of it.) Even when it got to the place where I was only doing it (whatever it was) because it was expected I still couldt say no. And I internalized everything! I wouldn't talk to my friends and felt like I couldn't talk to my parents. My relationship with them had grown distant and I knew it was my fault. I wanted so badly to fix it but felt like I couldn't, my actions and attitude (though they were never that bad) somehow seemed unforgivable in my eyes. On top of that I felt like my mom had given up on me and my dads indifference made it easy not to care. I was miserable and couldn't see how confronting any of it could work out for the better so I tried to hide from it at the bottom of the bottle. And when that wasn't enough I started cutting myself. I was sixteen.
Looking back I don't know what made me think it was going to fix everything, one day I just started and it gave me the release I wanted, the release I thought I needed. It was my solution for the days that I felt like hell. But I wasn't enjoying it. I would sob as I did it. Beg God to stop me because I couldn't stop myself. Had countless conversations with myself of how much easier life would be if I was gone. Every night I tried to talk myself into making that night my last night. But...
GOD IS REAL and I am living proof of that because I wouldn't be here if He wasn't. No one else knew that i'd hit rock bottom, in fact I didn't tell my parents or my closest friends until two years after the fact. But I wasn't alone. Sometimes the decisions we make early in life don't play out until later. I didn't know at six that I would need rescuing from myself a decade later, but God did. My senior year of high school I had three friends commit suicide. None of them were Christians. No one else knew the depths of my hopelessness so I have to believe that knowing God makes a difference. Night after night it was God, me, and the knife, and there is no other explanation than He saved my life because I was ready to take it.
Chritstians have this bad reputation of being fake, having it easy, and being hypocritical. I'm sorry for that. Having it all together isn't realistic, but being real isn't easy. With that said, I drink (not excessively but it happens), I've driven while intoxicated, I've stolen, lied, cheated. I curse (just because I can), I don't go to church every Sunday, I was anorexic, and occassionally I enjoy a good cigar. I've cut class, I've gossiped, spread rumors, and sought revenge. Now you may be thinking this sounds 'normal' and you would be right, it does. Being a christian is not about elevating yourself above making mistakes, nor is it about hiding them. I'm a work in progress and proud of it!
Being a Christian isn't about following the rules or telling others when they've fallen short, even though that happens and even though I've done it. It's not about pointing your finger at everyone else or pretending you have it all together. It IS about waking up every morning and admitting you're a mess and that you need help. It IS about forgiving those who have hurt you because you've hurt someone and been forgiven. It IS about being patient with others because you didn't get it right the first time either. It IS about loving those around you especially when they don't deserve it. And most importantly being a Christian is about allowing this 'distant', 'untouchable' God become your closest friend.
My life has been incredible, but no where near perfect. There are moments of total ease and others when it's my own personal hell. The only constant is my God.