Its The Little Things

Today was a very busy day with getting ready for Hawaii and all. But there was one thing that I absolutely could not leave the continnental united states without doing, and that was make sure my best friend felt special on her birthday (which is tomorrow). I posted a picture of gray converse because shes been wanting a pair for a while, so I ordered them online from Journeys and they should be arriving at her front door in a matter of days.

I usually make a really BIG deal about her birthday, (she in turn would make a big deal about mine). Everyone should be made to feel special on a daily basis, but if that doesnt happen, if theres only one day where someone is recognized then it should be their birthday. This year Hilary is working, shes living in a town without her friends, and her family isnt the big party throwing type. She was okay with all of that, but something small and unexpected can do wonders in making someone feel special. My gift to her wasnt really the shoes, it was letting her know that a thousand miles is not at all a deterrant to finding some way to spoil her. 

The wonderful thing is knowing that my simple unexpected gesture made her excited for her birthday! For me, knowing that, puts the biggest smile on my face. The feeling that I get, knowing that shes happy, far surpasses my excitement for Hawaii! 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HILARY ALAYNE STOCKTON!

Make year 23 one to remember!  

Whats Your Ripple?

"Years ago it occured to me that most people are like their favorite body of water. There are Ocean people, who find beauty in the overturning of things, always moving but always ending up back on the sand. There are Lake people, who ... (See Morehold) great depths and are serene. There are Pond people, who are ambitious and appreciate the power of man to conquer anything...even the landscape. There are Swamp people, full of mystery and unconventional beauty. Then there are Swimming Pool people......who are chemically and smell funny. I have always been a River person. I grew up near a spiderweb of rivers as a kid, and I looked for arrowheads and animal footprints along their banks. I live next to the haunted Cape Fear River in Wilmington. That fluid forward motion is soothing to me, and it's a rhythm I find strength in. A river doesn't go back. It just finds a new bend to pool up in for a little while. " -Hilarie Burton




In Oregon you can pretty much count on one thing almost all year round, water. Whether it's coming up from the ground or down from the sky Oregon is a very wet place to be. You must either learn to love the beauty itself and what it brings to its surroundings or you will eventually be driven to relocate. Growing up in Oregon, relocating without the accompaniment of my parents wasn't an option, so I learned to love it.


No matter where in Oregon I lived I was always at least an hour from the nearest ocean, and it was never a place that I wanted to visit often, it was cold and windy, and you were more likely to get a burn from the abbrasiveness of the sand against your skin then the sun (not my idea of fun). I love the ocean, but I'm not an ocean person. When I was younger I almost drowned in a lake and have since then shied away from all bodies of water where I couldn't see and/or touch the bottom. So while they are lovely to look at, and if there's a boat you can find me on it, I'm not a lake, pond, or swamp person either. That leaves me with two options and one can be elminated with no real thought to it, swimming pools are out because I'm allergic to chlorine. So, that brings me to rivers.


In Portland I had the Columbia River, in Bend there was the River West, and in Eugene, where I spent the last 12 years (prior to moving to LA) I had the Willamette and McKenzie rivers, plus every stream and creek that you could want! I found a love in hiking, and if when, I went hiking, there was some river-like body of water that I could cross then it made the hike even better. There's a great perspective one gets about life, nature, and yourself when standing in the middle while an unpredictable force rushes around you. Nothing stands in the way of a river, rocks, trees, islets, the water finds a way around them all. Anything that enters the water with rough edges won't stay rough for long. All that come to the water are refreshed. Though the surface may look calm, never take for granted its determination to stop at nothing and for no one. Yet, even as the river rages if you look along its banks there are always places where the water is calm, settled, restful. There's no mistaking about which way the river is flowing, and even if it were to dry up its existence would not go unnoticed. I look at the 'life' of a river and I see my own, I see what I want people to see from and in me.


I want to be a force to be reckoned with, but approachable and inviting. I want to be full of words of encouragement, refreshment, and peace. I don't want there to be any confusion about the direction that I am moving and I dont want to be discouraged by what's in my way, no matter the size. When my time is up, I don't want my existence to go unnoticed.


I AM A RIVER PERSON. What type of person are you? (and whatever that type, make sure you're proud of it!)

Revelation of 4/23/2010

Up until a few months ago life was giving me a pretty significant beating and it was if my feet were nailed to the floor. I couldnt fall in defeat and I could run away. The strength I had to defend myself was quickly drained. What I realize now is that I wasnt receiving the full force of the blows. Christ was standing so close to me that what I was feeling wasnt life hitting me, but life hitting Him into me. He was standing so close that I almost couldnt see Him. He had the strength to keep us both standing. I couldnt fall or run because Christ was keeping me in the only truly safe place that exists, the embrace of His arms.

I Knew the Whole Time

Every now and then I like to go back and read thugs I've written years ago. I want to gauge how far I've come in a sense. It's comforting to know that I'm growing, learning, and it's a little scary to see where I was. This particular glimpse at the 'old' me shed light on something else. Often the things I was writing had more of a prophetic element to them then I thought or intended. I wasn't simply writing about my present situation but a future one as well. Looking at what I penned three, four, five years ago I realize that where I am now wasn't really a surprise. I knew it was coming, at least part of me did.

Dirty Little Secret

It's amazing what we'll admit when no one knows the truth revealed is ours.

Somestimes our secrets are inconsequential...


Others are questionable...


Some are obvious...


While others we wish we could change...


Some lies we tell because were ashamed of the truth...


Others we keep silent about because were afraid of it...



Some secrets are filled with gratitude...


Others filled with the gratitude we hope to have...



Some secrets express our desires...



Others give you instructions on how to handle us...



Some admit our mistakes...


Others, that we don't have it all together...



And some secrets carry a simple truth that we want to anonymously share...


Whatever the case may be and regardless the secret, we all have them. If writing it on a personalized post card and mailing it to a stranger makes you feel better then do it. If not, then find a method that does.

9 Days and Counting

Nine days until I turn 23, but it's only eight days until I leave for Oahu, Hawaii. It's also only eight days until my best friend turns 23. I still haven't told her I'm going to Hawaii.
This year has been a lot of firsts for me. First time I haven't lived in the same state as my parents, first time I haven't had a job, first time I haven't been actively serving in a church. First Easter without my family, first earthquake, first time being the only Christian in the lot of them. This is the first time I will be celebrating a birthday in Hawaii. This will also be the first time, since we met, that I don't spend my birthday with my best friend.
Change is good, I truly do believe that, but some things are harder to get use to than others. What I loved about our birthdays being a day apart was making such a big deal about hers. I don't have that luxury this year.
I hope that eight days is enough time to clear the lingering clouds overhead so that I can simply enjoy my vacation.
Cross your fingers with me.

You Have to Do This

A friend told me yesterday that her fathers cancer came back and that he has to start treatment. What she didnt know when she told me that was that I was sitting in the doctors office with my grandmother while she was getting her chemo. I didnt feel burdened it just drove home the point of the reality of the situation and the helplessness that you feel. There was nothing more that I could say than 'I'm sorry' and I was sure that even that wasnt really going to do much. Then she told me that she didnt think that she could do this.

As I sat there, looking at my grandmother hooked up to multiple IVs with this annoyed look on her face, I realized that I think the very same thing on a daily basis. And its on the good days that I only think it once. In times of tragedy and desperation, we never think that we can do it. Those moments seem to demand something far greater than anything that we could possibly muster from ourselves. These moments reveal the depth of our weakness. These moments also reveal the strength of our resolve. Every day I wonder how I ended up in this situation, having a front row seat to watching cancer test the limits of my grandmother and the strength of the unity of my family. Everything is being delicately balanced, one wrong move, one wrong pull and the whole thing will unravel. Ive learned that you have to know what youre fighting to prevent to know how hard you have to fight.

I told my friend that she has to be able to do this. Opting out is not an option. She may tell herself everyday that she cant, but at the end of every day she will realize that she has. All anyone is asking is that we make it through one day, just one day, and let tomorrow and the days after that worry about themselves. Ive said it before that I never thought I would be here, doing this (whatever this is), but here I am. There is no turning my back on this now, and I wouldnt even if I could. Truth is I will never stop feeling unprepared and overwhelmed, but if I let this beat me then Im useless.

I can say that I cant do this as often and as loudly as I want to but the truth is, I can, and I am.

Better Than Yesterday

We hear old men say, "Those were the days...". Old women talk about the times prior to crows feet, laugh lines and stretch marks. We've all heard the phrase 'the good old days' and chances are we've all, at some point, believed (even if for a moment) the old days were the good ones. However, no one has successully invented a time machine for us to go back and relive the so-called "glory days" so we better start making the most of our futures and we better start doing that today!



Art Buchwald said it well when he said, "We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was and would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time."


I'm all for holding onto good memories and learning from mistakes. I am very much in favor of giving recognition to how someone got their start and praising them for their success and determination despite the let downs. However (and especially for those who live their lives in the spotlight), if they are going to continue to grow and move forward then who are we to get hung up on a point in their career and define that as their best? Should that not be for them to decide? I would want that decision to be mine. I have favorite moments in the careers of my favorite celerbrities but if I classify those moments as "the best" then I have condemned even the dreams they have yet to dream to defeat. I have also gauranteed that I will miss out on something nothing short of brilliance. (I hope you still aren't lost on what inspired me to write this, and if you are, well the inspiration isn't as important as the message itself.)


If I had to choose one motto for my life it would be 'the best is yet to come'. My past was great, the old days were good, but I have to tell you it keeps getting better. And if history is any indicator, it's going to keep getting better. If we live our lives with the attitude that we've already seen the best days (for ourselves and those around us) then what are the rest of them for?


"You should chase whatever excites you. Be confident and take risks." Make your tomorrow better than yesterday.

(originally posted on the SoGoPro blog, but i decided to post it here also so that more would see it!)

What Does Love Look Like?

Early this morning I posted the following on my Facebook:


'If all of life comes down to love, then tell me, what does love look like?' (a line from Arms Wide Open by Misty Edwards)


The first response I got was, "Love doesn't 'look' like anything...a better question is, 'what does love FEEL like?'"


Now, just to clarify, I disagree that the latter question is the better one, and I think after our conversation this morning the person who said that might rethink their position on the matter. However, it did get me thinking...


I grew up being taught that LOVE IS A VERB, and I'm sure we're all familiar with 'people hear what you say but believe what you do' and 'actions speak louder than words', the cliches are endless! But, what if love was just a feeling? What if it didn't really look like anything?


I tell my family and my friends that I love them all the time, and in the grand scheme of things that's true, but what about the moments where I don't feel like I love them? When frustration, hurt, anger, or just plain annoyance is today where yesterday love was? Does that mean that in those moments, however short or long, I stopped loving that person? If all love is is a feeling, then yes, that's exactly what that means. What about the vows 'for better or for worse'?! When bad turns to ugly you're not going to feel very loved or very loving. When the feeling is gone and we cant identify what love looks like, what then? We wonder why people fall in and out of love, love never became more than just a feeling.


It was never supposed to be about falling in love, it's never supposed to be something we fall out of.


I am so grateful that God has never once told me Hes 'fallen in love with me' because that means that somewhere along the way I said or did something to cause that. It also means that there's something I can say or do to make Him 'fall out'. I can't even imagine how crushing that would be. But we do it all the time. Things change, people change. We get tired or bored or it becomes too much work and the feeling goes away. We so easily take that as our cue to leave.


Love, very much, looks like something, because when bad turns to worse and worse becomes impossible be it with your spouse, your friend, or your child, the feeling isn't going to get you through. Love isn't void of feeling, but love void of action, void of identity, void of proof, is dead.


Love very much looks like something, it has to. If not then the majority of us spend most of our lives unloved and incapable of loving.


The unfortunate thing is that statement's probably truer than I want to know.

Relationship Detox

If you think it's difficult having someone in your life one day and then waking up the next to find them gone, you're right. That is difficult. Want to know what's worse? (and yes, something worse is possible.) Whats worse is having that person walk back into your life, but walking back in half way.


It's very hard to unlearn a habit, or your role in a relationship even after the dynamics have changed. I've never done well with half-hearted commitements, I won't make them and I don't want them made to me. There's absolutely no comfort in the certainty of being able to count on someone half way. But when your heart is so use to doing things a certain way, trying to teach it new tricks is an exhausting chore.


It's as if you go through withdrawals. Life dangles the "drug" right in front of your face but just beyond your reach because you have to learn to live without it so you can live in a world where it exists. It's cruel, but it makes sense. It's sucks, but some part of me thinks, believes it's worth it or else I wouldn't have checked myself in to this "rehab".


See you on the other side. Now back to my padded room with purple crayons.

Agonizing Irony

Ever find yourself in one of those situations where you feel like you have this potentially great thing right in front of you but you're afraid to touch it?! Afraid that if you do it will crumble like ash or vanish like smoke?! You constantly wrestle with what to do. You try to convince yourself to be patient and that if it's meant to be yours then it will come into your arms on it's own. But you also argue that it won't be there forever so jump on it while you have the opportunity. Both seem right but neither one seems satisfying. It's the beautifully agonizing irony of realizing that no matter how much someone puts you through you'll always love them.

I Need A Moment to Be A Girl

this is the wedding ring that i want, or something similar anyway. wide band with a lot of little diamonds! (okay, my girl moment is over with)

Reason...Seaon...Lifetime

A funny thing happened this morning, but first let me tell you what happened last night, it will make what happened this morning make more sense. I hope anyway.

Last night I was up late (which should come as no surprise) and when Im up late I tend to think about a lot of things, some might even accuse me of thinking too much. I was thinking about a friend, one I havent talked to much over the last five months, and not because I didnt want to, but because she didnt take well the news that I was moving. It hurt not having her support, but thats not why Im telling you this. Im telling you this because last night all I was thinking about was the fact that regardless of what happened between her and I, I missed her. I miss her and I love her, and no matter what happens down the road those things will always be true. Last night I read a quote, that now I wish I could remember word for word, but it said something to the following affect...'love doesnt die, either you never loved them, or you always will'. I think thats true for a relationship no matter the level, once you learn to love someone, and I mean really love all of who they are I dont think you can teach yourself to stop.

Last night I wished that things between my friend and I could go back to some sort of normal, but even as I made that wish I felt foolish. It sounded unrealistic to me. And even with as much as I wanted it, I didnt think that I had it in me to put myself out there again.

When I woke up this morning I checked my Facebook. Low and behold, there was the friend request, it was like my wish had been granted. It was in those first few moments that I felt this cocktail of emotions; joy, fear, excitement, hesitation, relief, confusion, theres a twistedly humorous irony in knowing what you want and then not knowing what to do with it when you get it. Last night I knew what I wanted, this morning I got it, but didnt know what to do. I couldve talked myself into doing anything or nothing. I text a friend and asked her what she thought I should do, she told me she didnt know. And while I was explaining to this other friend the reasons that I was torn something clicked. I had that "a-ha" moment.

People are going to hurt me. I am going to hurt people. I wish that wasnt the case but thus far its been unavoidable even with the most noble of attempts. Being hurt makes trusting harder and gives fear more control over how you live your life and who you allow to be apart of it. Its not worth it though. Its hard to get back into the ring, especially with the one who knocked you out in the first place, but do it anyway. That was all the reason that I needed to accept that friend request this morning. I dont want to be afraid of getting hurt, because its going to happen, and if I live my life in constant fear of that, well thats not really living at all.

Elephant in the Room

"It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it..." (the truth by kris allen)

...and were all great pretenders, we have to be. No one wants to admit they're thinking it, not even to themselves. But I have to admit it or it's going to incapacitate me. So hear goes nothing...this could be Grandmas last Easter.

Having the family around, everyone together, gives everyone this bitter sweet taste in their mouths. We love being together but were faced with the reality of losing the one that makes us feel complete. Today I wondered, if we sacrificed spending holidays together could we somehow lengthen Grandmas time. An unrealistic notion without a doubt, but sometimes potentially devastating times call for thoughts of impossible measures.

The worst part about this whole situation is not that my grandmothers dying, but the fact that she has a hard time enjoying the things she should. She knows all too well that her days are numbered and she can't forget, she can barely pretend otherwise. While the house is full of headache inducing commotion (that we wouldn't trade for the world) the truth can be ignored, there's plenty to distract you. However as everyone says their goodbyes and head for their respective homes, the silence settles in. And with the silence comes the truth. My grandmother has this unmistakeable look, it's the one that tells me she's thinking about everything she wishes she could forget. She had that look all day long. When all the family was finally gone she said everything the rest of us couldn't. This could be Grandmas last Easter.

We worry about what this family will look like when the one who makes us feel complete is gone, though none of us would admit that. The hardest part for us, is that she worries about it too.