A funny thing happened this morning, but first let me tell you what happened last night, it will make what happened this morning make more sense. I hope anyway.
Last night I was up late (which should come as no surprise) and when Im up late I tend to think about a lot of things, some might even accuse me of thinking too much. I was thinking about a friend, one I havent talked to much over the last five months, and not because I didnt want to, but because she didnt take well the news that I was moving. It hurt not having her support, but thats not why Im telling you this. Im telling you this because last night all I was thinking about was the fact that regardless of what happened between her and I, I missed her. I miss her and I love her, and no matter what happens down the road those things will always be true. Last night I read a quote, that now I wish I could remember word for word, but it said something to the following affect...'love doesnt die, either you never loved them, or you always will'. I think thats true for a relationship no matter the level, once you learn to love someone, and I mean really love all of who they are I dont think you can teach yourself to stop.
Last night I wished that things between my friend and I could go back to some sort of normal, but even as I made that wish I felt foolish. It sounded unrealistic to me. And even with as much as I wanted it, I didnt think that I had it in me to put myself out there again.
When I woke up this morning I checked my Facebook. Low and behold, there was the friend request, it was like my wish had been granted. It was in those first few moments that I felt this cocktail of emotions; joy, fear, excitement, hesitation, relief, confusion, theres a twistedly humorous irony in knowing what you want and then not knowing what to do with it when you get it. Last night I knew what I wanted, this morning I got it, but didnt know what to do. I couldve talked myself into doing anything or nothing. I text a friend and asked her what she thought I should do, she told me she didnt know. And while I was explaining to this other friend the reasons that I was torn something clicked. I had that "a-ha" moment.
People are going to hurt me. I am going to hurt people. I wish that wasnt the case but thus far its been unavoidable even with the most noble of attempts. Being hurt makes trusting harder and gives fear more control over how you live your life and who you allow to be apart of it. Its not worth it though. Its hard to get back into the ring, especially with the one who knocked you out in the first place, but do it anyway. That was all the reason that I needed to accept that friend request this morning. I dont want to be afraid of getting hurt, because its going to happen, and if I live my life in constant fear of that, well thats not really living at all.
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