A friend told me yesterday that her fathers cancer came back and that he has to start treatment. What she didnt know when she told me that was that I was sitting in the doctors office with my grandmother while she was getting her chemo. I didnt feel burdened it just drove home the point of the reality of the situation and the helplessness that you feel. There was nothing more that I could say than 'I'm sorry' and I was sure that even that wasnt really going to do much. Then she told me that she didnt think that she could do this.
As I sat there, looking at my grandmother hooked up to multiple IVs with this annoyed look on her face, I realized that I think the very same thing on a daily basis. And its on the good days that I only think it once. In times of tragedy and desperation, we never think that we can do it. Those moments seem to demand something far greater than anything that we could possibly muster from ourselves. These moments reveal the depth of our weakness. These moments also reveal the strength of our resolve. Every day I wonder how I ended up in this situation, having a front row seat to watching cancer test the limits of my grandmother and the strength of the unity of my family. Everything is being delicately balanced, one wrong move, one wrong pull and the whole thing will unravel. Ive learned that you have to know what youre fighting to prevent to know how hard you have to fight.
I told my friend that she has to be able to do this. Opting out is not an option. She may tell herself everyday that she cant, but at the end of every day she will realize that she has. All anyone is asking is that we make it through one day, just one day, and let tomorrow and the days after that worry about themselves. Ive said it before that I never thought I would be here, doing this (whatever this is), but here I am. There is no turning my back on this now, and I wouldnt even if I could. Truth is I will never stop feeling unprepared and overwhelmed, but if I let this beat me then Im useless.
I can say that I cant do this as often and as loudly as I want to but the truth is, I can, and I am.
This one hit a spot for me.
ReplyDeleteI may not have cancer but I am in a situation that I never thought I would be. I am also 'special' in the fact that 99% of people can get up and walk away with little work. And I have had to triple my efforts with little result.
There are days where I can't do it and can't deal with it...but there has only been 3 of them in 9 months. So I say it's okay.