If you think it's difficult having someone in your life one day and then waking up the next to find them gone, you're right. That is difficult. Want to know what's worse? (and yes, something worse is possible.) Whats worse is having that person walk back into your life, but walking back in half way.
It's very hard to unlearn a habit, or your role in a relationship even after the dynamics have changed. I've never done well with half-hearted commitements, I won't make them and I don't want them made to me. There's absolutely no comfort in the certainty of being able to count on someone half way. But when your heart is so use to doing things a certain way, trying to teach it new tricks is an exhausting chore.
It's as if you go through withdrawals. Life dangles the "drug" right in front of your face but just beyond your reach because you have to learn to live without it so you can live in a world where it exists. It's cruel, but it makes sense. It's sucks, but some part of me thinks, believes it's worth it or else I wouldn't have checked myself in to this "rehab".
See you on the other side. Now back to my padded room with purple crayons.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Monday, April 12, 2010
Agonizing Irony
Ever find yourself in one of those situations where you feel like you have this potentially great thing right in front of you but you're afraid to touch it?! Afraid that if you do it will crumble like ash or vanish like smoke?! You constantly wrestle with what to do. You try to convince yourself to be patient and that if it's meant to be yours then it will come into your arms on it's own. But you also argue that it won't be there forever so jump on it while you have the opportunity. Both seem right but neither one seems satisfying. It's the beautifully agonizing irony of realizing that no matter how much someone puts you through you'll always love them.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
I Need A Moment to Be A Girl
this is the wedding ring that i want, or something similar anyway. wide band with a lot of little diamonds! (okay, my girl moment is over with)
Reason...Seaon...Lifetime
A funny thing happened this morning, but first let me tell you what happened last night, it will make what happened this morning make more sense. I hope anyway.
Last night I was up late (which should come as no surprise) and when Im up late I tend to think about a lot of things, some might even accuse me of thinking too much. I was thinking about a friend, one I havent talked to much over the last five months, and not because I didnt want to, but because she didnt take well the news that I was moving. It hurt not having her support, but thats not why Im telling you this. Im telling you this because last night all I was thinking about was the fact that regardless of what happened between her and I, I missed her. I miss her and I love her, and no matter what happens down the road those things will always be true. Last night I read a quote, that now I wish I could remember word for word, but it said something to the following affect...'love doesnt die, either you never loved them, or you always will'. I think thats true for a relationship no matter the level, once you learn to love someone, and I mean really love all of who they are I dont think you can teach yourself to stop.
Last night I wished that things between my friend and I could go back to some sort of normal, but even as I made that wish I felt foolish. It sounded unrealistic to me. And even with as much as I wanted it, I didnt think that I had it in me to put myself out there again.
When I woke up this morning I checked my Facebook. Low and behold, there was the friend request, it was like my wish had been granted. It was in those first few moments that I felt this cocktail of emotions; joy, fear, excitement, hesitation, relief, confusion, theres a twistedly humorous irony in knowing what you want and then not knowing what to do with it when you get it. Last night I knew what I wanted, this morning I got it, but didnt know what to do. I couldve talked myself into doing anything or nothing. I text a friend and asked her what she thought I should do, she told me she didnt know. And while I was explaining to this other friend the reasons that I was torn something clicked. I had that "a-ha" moment.
People are going to hurt me. I am going to hurt people. I wish that wasnt the case but thus far its been unavoidable even with the most noble of attempts. Being hurt makes trusting harder and gives fear more control over how you live your life and who you allow to be apart of it. Its not worth it though. Its hard to get back into the ring, especially with the one who knocked you out in the first place, but do it anyway. That was all the reason that I needed to accept that friend request this morning. I dont want to be afraid of getting hurt, because its going to happen, and if I live my life in constant fear of that, well thats not really living at all.
Last night I was up late (which should come as no surprise) and when Im up late I tend to think about a lot of things, some might even accuse me of thinking too much. I was thinking about a friend, one I havent talked to much over the last five months, and not because I didnt want to, but because she didnt take well the news that I was moving. It hurt not having her support, but thats not why Im telling you this. Im telling you this because last night all I was thinking about was the fact that regardless of what happened between her and I, I missed her. I miss her and I love her, and no matter what happens down the road those things will always be true. Last night I read a quote, that now I wish I could remember word for word, but it said something to the following affect...'love doesnt die, either you never loved them, or you always will'. I think thats true for a relationship no matter the level, once you learn to love someone, and I mean really love all of who they are I dont think you can teach yourself to stop.
Last night I wished that things between my friend and I could go back to some sort of normal, but even as I made that wish I felt foolish. It sounded unrealistic to me. And even with as much as I wanted it, I didnt think that I had it in me to put myself out there again.
When I woke up this morning I checked my Facebook. Low and behold, there was the friend request, it was like my wish had been granted. It was in those first few moments that I felt this cocktail of emotions; joy, fear, excitement, hesitation, relief, confusion, theres a twistedly humorous irony in knowing what you want and then not knowing what to do with it when you get it. Last night I knew what I wanted, this morning I got it, but didnt know what to do. I couldve talked myself into doing anything or nothing. I text a friend and asked her what she thought I should do, she told me she didnt know. And while I was explaining to this other friend the reasons that I was torn something clicked. I had that "a-ha" moment.
People are going to hurt me. I am going to hurt people. I wish that wasnt the case but thus far its been unavoidable even with the most noble of attempts. Being hurt makes trusting harder and gives fear more control over how you live your life and who you allow to be apart of it. Its not worth it though. Its hard to get back into the ring, especially with the one who knocked you out in the first place, but do it anyway. That was all the reason that I needed to accept that friend request this morning. I dont want to be afraid of getting hurt, because its going to happen, and if I live my life in constant fear of that, well thats not really living at all.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Elephant in the Room
"It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it..." (the truth by kris allen)
...and were all great pretenders, we have to be. No one wants to admit they're thinking it, not even to themselves. But I have to admit it or it's going to incapacitate me. So hear goes nothing...this could be Grandmas last Easter.
Having the family around, everyone together, gives everyone this bitter sweet taste in their mouths. We love being together but were faced with the reality of losing the one that makes us feel complete. Today I wondered, if we sacrificed spending holidays together could we somehow lengthen Grandmas time. An unrealistic notion without a doubt, but sometimes potentially devastating times call for thoughts of impossible measures.
The worst part about this whole situation is not that my grandmothers dying, but the fact that she has a hard time enjoying the things she should. She knows all too well that her days are numbered and she can't forget, she can barely pretend otherwise. While the house is full of headache inducing commotion (that we wouldn't trade for the world) the truth can be ignored, there's plenty to distract you. However as everyone says their goodbyes and head for their respective homes, the silence settles in. And with the silence comes the truth. My grandmother has this unmistakeable look, it's the one that tells me she's thinking about everything she wishes she could forget. She had that look all day long. When all the family was finally gone she said everything the rest of us couldn't. This could be Grandmas last Easter.
We worry about what this family will look like when the one who makes us feel complete is gone, though none of us would admit that. The hardest part for us, is that she worries about it too.
And we pretend that we don't see it..." (the truth by kris allen)
...and were all great pretenders, we have to be. No one wants to admit they're thinking it, not even to themselves. But I have to admit it or it's going to incapacitate me. So hear goes nothing...this could be Grandmas last Easter.
Having the family around, everyone together, gives everyone this bitter sweet taste in their mouths. We love being together but were faced with the reality of losing the one that makes us feel complete. Today I wondered, if we sacrificed spending holidays together could we somehow lengthen Grandmas time. An unrealistic notion without a doubt, but sometimes potentially devastating times call for thoughts of impossible measures.
The worst part about this whole situation is not that my grandmothers dying, but the fact that she has a hard time enjoying the things she should. She knows all too well that her days are numbered and she can't forget, she can barely pretend otherwise. While the house is full of headache inducing commotion (that we wouldn't trade for the world) the truth can be ignored, there's plenty to distract you. However as everyone says their goodbyes and head for their respective homes, the silence settles in. And with the silence comes the truth. My grandmother has this unmistakeable look, it's the one that tells me she's thinking about everything she wishes she could forget. She had that look all day long. When all the family was finally gone she said everything the rest of us couldn't. This could be Grandmas last Easter.
We worry about what this family will look like when the one who makes us feel complete is gone, though none of us would admit that. The hardest part for us, is that she worries about it too.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)