Here are a few things about human nature that puzzle me to know end...
-why, when one drive does something less than intelligent, does another driver think that yelling at them through their closed window is going to make a difference?
-why people would rather talk about fixing the problem instead of actually fixing it?
-why drink beer when it tastes like dirt? (and yes i have tried it, every time someone tells me that the beer theyre drinking is good i try it, doesnt seem to make a difference)
...more was puzzling me earlier, but i hadnt thought to write this, i suppose there will be some sort of continuation later on...
It doesn't matter whether you can say that statement in a positive or negative light when it comes to most things in life it's true, either it turns out better than you could've ever imagined or it's presenting more challenges than you thought possible. It's what you do, no matter which way the scale tips, that really counts. They say that the end justifies the pain it took to get there, and from where I sit right now, I can say that's true. Perseverance, endurance, trust, loyalty, forgiveness; those things are only strengthened when they are tested. And if you recognize the test early enough then you recognize that you have the tools needed to pass it, that it's not merely life being cruel if you see it as more than that. Robert and Wendy Bearden are two of the most incredible people that I know and I know that in loving us (you know who you are) they got more than they bargained for. You stick young, insecure, searching souls in one room for any length of time, let alone for three plus years, and you are bound to experience all the ups and downs at least one time over. People create headaches and heartaches and division and it's hard to process; it's hard to work through because it is work. Relationships are work, and are not for the faint of heart or the easily wearied. If it's not worth fighting for then it's not worth having, and if it's not worth having then you're going to find yourself alone, and that's no way to live a life. Even in my loneliest moments, I was never alone because these two reminded me that I wasn't. They loved me enough to let me make my own mistakes and go my own way, but they love me the way that God does because when I was ready to make the change they were there to walk through it with me. There were moments when I felt guilty for running to them because I couldn't do it alone, but the only time I ever got the "mom look", the one that says "you shouldn't have done that" were the times that I didn't come to them. And I wasn't the only one that they opened their home and their lives to. They took us all in, and under their wing, and it didn't always go the way they thought or the way they hoped, and sometimes the first try fell short; things sometimes fell apart before they fell back together, but that's life. That's the point. If we were perfect we would have no need for God's saving grace, there would be no growth, we would be born, live, and die the same person. Where's the fun in that? Every Mother's and Father's day I send Robert and Wendy my best wishes. They don't have kids of their own and while at times I give them a loving hard time about that, they invested their lives into ours with minimal reservation and truthfully had no time for diapers and middle of the night feedings. In the moments that life got too rough we would be there 'til the wee hours of the morning because even if we didn't want to admit it, we knew it was safe. I know that they got more than they bargained for, I also know they would consider that a good thing. And while I can't speak for everyone, I know that I got more than I bargained for as well. Trusting someone, let alone two people, with things in the deepest parts of your soul is risky, it's hard to get your mind and your heart to agree to it, and without that agreement what you actually do is left wide open and could be more dangerous in the long run. If you don't allow God to pull you out of where you're comfortable, if you don't trust Him to strengthen the trust you have with someone else then I promise you you're going to miss out on something incredible that God intended for you. Robert and Wendy are the only ones (I think) that I didn't fight God on when He told me to trust them. And even though I have yet to regret that decision and I'm certain that I never will, I've learned that opening up isn't about learning to trust someone else. It's more about being who you are, and not being ashamed or embarrassed or afraid of that. David, while dancing in the streets in the equivalent of his underwear, told his wife that he would "become even more undignified than this". It's hard to be undignified when you can't be raw and broken. David had undignified himself in his brokenness before God so that he could truly be undignified in the way that he glorified God. Robert and Wendy spent countless hours interceding, mentoring, listening, and lavishing us with love and grace and understanding, even when we were wrong. I look back over the last four years or so and you wouldn't believe some of the things that took place, and while they weren't (and aren't perfect) even when we selfishly expected them to be, they didn't quit; even though at times anyone could have justified their reasons to. As someone who has struggled with the feelings and the crippling heartache of abandonment, someone who doesn't quit despite what you throw at them is someone you learn really quickly to honor. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb...Robert and Wendy and all of us "kids" are living proof of that, proof that what Christ died for isn't just a better eternal life, but the greatest life possible in the here and now. That life doesn't come without frustration, heartache, bitterness, or disappointment. But that life does come with grace, forgiveness, love, understanding, trust, freedom, and strength to make it through the moments that hurt like hell. The abundant life that God promises comes with people that you can take a risk with and through that risk gain more than you bargained for. xo B
We've all heard the phrase "blood is thicker than water" and I think for most the first interpretation of that statement is that the bonds between family members are stronger than anything, but it goes beyond that even. When you look at history, at traditions and religious practices from all over the world you will recognize an unwavering similarity, bloodshed sealed the deal. Genetics had nothing to do with it, and I think a more accurate way to phrase this is "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". It's not about family relation or the length of the relationship, it's about the covenant on which that relationship stands on. It's about the fact that the blood that was shed to conquer death is the blood that now binds two hands and two hearts together. It's about what God intended for His family to look like, how He designed it to operate, how He desires it to change the world for the better. Sharing a genetic code doesn't defeat selfishness, it can't conquer pride, it's not enough on its own to forgive.
The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb, and the shedding of blood in making a covenant was a symbol of what would happen if either party broke that covenant.
"We walked to where we would live for the next week in almost complete silence. There was the occasional question, but I’ve never been much for small talk and I think that she could sense that. Looking back on that moment, those brief minutes of walking down a gravel path I remember feeling jealous. I didn’t know this girl, but there was something about her that made me want to be like her and that scared me. It wasn’t the first time that I had experienced jealousy, but it was the first time that I felt it so strongly towards a stranger. In those moments the other word that came to mind was ‘unworthy’. She was beautiful, funny, comfortable, and I knew that there was some God-given talent that completed the package. In my book this girl was “cool”. I felt inferior and in awe all that once. I don’t know what kind of first impression I made on her, but this was what I saw from where I stood. Little did I know that it would set a precedent for the years that followed."
(watch the video and pay more attention to the words of the song than the video itself. this may seem a little 'out there' for a while, but i promise that it will make sense by the end.)
A little bit of background for the video will help you understand why I chose it. If you have never watched the show House MD then you should because its great, and the characters in this video have, for the last six years been going back and forth with their relationship. It has been a very love/hate struggle that has kept fans on the edge of their seats. While on some counts its frustrating at the same time its realistic about the wrestling the heart does with putting itself out there.
(If this only applies to me then I am completely okay with that, even though I highly doubt it.)
We all want that feeling, that someone where we look at them and know with complete certainty that theyre it. But a love like that is scary and threatening because you want to give your whole heart to it, but something so passionate and so strong can be painful and uncertain. We spend all this time trying to protect our hearts that when we find the person we want to be unrestrained with its hard. We drop hints and have moments where we are daring to be brave and then we go back into hiding because they dont match our vulnerability. We dance in circles because thats what weve become good at. In a heartbeat we would drop anything for that person, but when they point it out we turn and run the other way. We convince ourselves that its better to be alone then needed or to need someone else. We try to move on with something less intimidating, and so less exciting, less of a risk. We settle which solves nothing but again, its easy. We spend our lives thinking about what we would say or do if the moment finally came and then we miss it when it does. Pretending that we dont care or dont want it is easier. But I want to dare to love that fiercely. I want to have a love that is that complicated because nothing worth having comes without a fight. I want a love that scares me and thrills me, that makes me vulnerable and strong, that makes me smile even as I'm crying. I want a love that will catch me from behind even though I'm looking at it in the face. I want the love that never ceases to make my heart flutter or my palms sweat, or aggravates me to no end. I want the love that will recognize me strength and be stronger still. I want the love that pushes me away just to see whether or not I really mean it when I tell it I love it. I want the love that when the moment comes my eyes say everything and so do his.
(i dont really know if that made sense the way that i wanted it to, but hopefully some part of you gets it)
This year Father's Day is on June 20th (today as of twenty minutes ago), last year it was on June 21st and next year it will be on June 19th. An interesting holiday don't you think? Now, please don't get me wrong, I am all for dedicating one day to celebrating fathers, I think as children that's the very least that we could do. But what about those who don't have dads, for whatever reason that may be, what does this holiday make them feel?
Now some of you may be thinking that I have taken a rather cynical position on this expectantly joyous occasion, however living in LA, surrounded by people who didn't grow up the way I did I'm learning to see things from a whole new perspective. My cousin Jennifer lost her father to a heart attack when she was nineteen. My cousin Gabriel has a father with a half assed commitment. I don't even get to celebrate with my own father, and I'm not even sure that he would want to do something even if I could.
I'm not an idiot, I know that there are too many out there being raised without fathers. Some men get scared that they might do more harm by sticking around and so they leave (I wish that this wasn't true at all, but the reality is that sometimes it is). Some dads are robbed of life too soon and their children get an early awakening to just how cruel life can be. Some dads stick around but never had a father to look up to and so don't know how to be the father their kids need. Some children never had the chance to know their fathers, or a father, and sadly some never will. I'm not an idiot, I know there are many growing up without fathers, but on a day like Father's Day, when my dad has always been there, I didn't think about the ones that never were. Or the ones that couldn't be because one day their children woke up and their dad was simply gone.
We (my family) has plans to celebrate Father's Day, dinner at my grandfather's favorite restaurant. I'm honestly not much for celebrating. My dad is a thousand miles away, Jenn's dad can't be here and so she would rather avoid the holiday altogether. (I know this because we talked about it.) What do I say to that? What would anyone say to that? I can't tell her that I understand, because I don't. I can tell her that I don't blame her for how she feels, but that goes without saying because why would I blame her? If i didn't have my dad then I would be feeling the exact same way that she does.
I wish that everyone was going to enjoy this third Sunday in June, but that isn't the case. I wish that I could ease the pain of those who will loath today because they shouldn't carry around that weight, but that's easier said than done. And it sucks.
To all those out there who have fathers and whose fathers are present in their lives, please, don't take them for granted. Cherish whatever time you spend with them today and the days that follow.
For those who have fathers that chose their absence from your lives, I am truly sorry. They are missing out on something incredible! You don't deserve the heart ache that their selfishness has inflicted upon you and I hope that someday you are able to forgive them.
And for those who had their fathers taken from them before they were ready to let them go, I am truly sorry for your loss. I hope that Father's Day doesn't leave a bitter taste in your mouth and that you still find a way to honor your father.
Today I watched my uncle Kimo walk down the aisle and embrace a new life with Maggie. When it came time to exchange their vows there was one part in particular that my uncle had a hard time getting out, 'in sickness and in health'.
Let's rewind to more than a decade ago. When I was little I would spend my summers in Los Angeles with my grandparents. And every summer for as long as I could remember we would celebrate my aunts birthday by spending the whole day at the beach. My brother, cousins and I would body board and build sand castles til it was too dark or too cold to do either. My uncle would build a fire and we'd roast marshmallows for smores. Some of my happiest memories took place on those days! I was young but there was something so surreal about escaping the demands of the world for an entire day! One year everything changed. My aunt, Rose was her name, was diagnosed with cancer. My uncle, Kimo, and my cousins were never the same, and neither were my summers. My aunt put up a good fight, she went through chemo which brought on a mess of side effects including hair loss. I remember that she used to cover her head in the most beautiful scarves. The cancer went into remission, but then came back with a furry and claimed her life.
I was living in Eugene when she died, and it's amazing how true the statement 'out of sight out of mind' really is. Now that I'm back here and I'm celebrating with family my uncles happiness I'm constantly reminded of the woman that my aunt was. I see her in the faces of my cousins, and I saw her in the eyes of my uncle today as he stood at the altar struggling to say 'in sickness and in health'.
On what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of our lives we don't think about how real the darker side of our vows could be, today my uncle had no choice but to acknowledge it. It's a reality he's faced once already, heaven forbid he ever face it again!
There was an expression of courage on his face today as he took his new bride, one I like to believe that my aunt would be proud of! She would hate for anyone to stop living their lives simply because she couldn't live it alongside them.
Rose Igarta was a wonderful woman, and I miss her dearly.
