He's Madly In Love With You and So Am I

This weekend God reminded me why He brought my best friend and I together in the first place. If you have been keeping up with my blog then you know that recently God took our friendship through a really difficult time. He was stretching us and strengthening us in ways neither one of us saw coming. There were moments and it was even hinted at in conversations that we weren't sure our friendship had a future. That solely rested in Gods hands. There were weeks of silence between us and it was difficult. However God was moving.


During those weeks of silence God was louder in my life than ever, reminding me of the person that He is calling me to be aside from daughter, sister, and friend. It was hard having Him strip me of the identity that I had grown so comfortable with and start out fresh. Those weeks of silence were hard, but they were exactly what we both needed. My best friend doesn't need me to be her provider, she doesn't need me to be her comfort, her encourager, her strength, or her protector and I don't need her to be any of that for me. What I need from her and what she needs from me is to be the woman of God we've been called to be, nothing more and nothing less.


Somewhere along the course of five years we took such an incredible blessing and twisted into something we thought we needed. We were wrong, but God is gracious and now He's redefining our friendship for us and we couldn't be happier! I couldnt be happier!

 Now there are a couple reasons that I wanted to share this with all of you. The first reason being that its always better to trust God, and because most of the time we dont understand what He's doing trusting Him tends to be harder also, but more often than not the hard thing and the right thing are going to be the same thing. Secondly, when you ask for a friend, a best friend, like I did, do whatever it takes to keep that friendship underneath Gods covering especially if that means that you have to let go, because I promise that its worth it. When I first met my best friend I didnt like her, and she didnt like me, but it didnt take long for that to change and when it did I knew that she was going to be around for a long time whether I liked it or not. That was a promise that I had from God and I hope that you know Him well enough to know that He doesnt make empty promises. But, life gets hard and insecurities are breeding grounds for a million other things, including doubt. Doubt is destructive, so please learn from my mistakes! I was so afraid that something was going to come in and disrupt my "perfect" little world that I never thought twice about the fact that the destruction of my world would be the doing of my own hands. Luckily God loves me enough to take it from me when He realized that I wasnt going to put it down until I had nothing left to hold. I can honestly say that now Im not even holding it and its doing better than I couldve hoped for.

God is so madly in love with both of us and wants nothing but the very best for us and every step of the way He has been right! He knew what I wanted most and better than that He knew what I needed most and managed to give me both, I just simply had to let go and let Him to His thing. My God is madly in love with my best friend and so am I, if for no other reason that because He is. If God deems it worthy (and He has said that of everyone) than I know that its worth it!

Longing To Belong and Not

Last night was good. Last night was also difficult. It's rough wanting something so much, it feeling so right and being told no. Told I can't have it. Being home (in Eugene) I know where I belong. I know what to do, where to go, and who to invest in. It's like riding a bicycle, or breathing, I don't have to remember how to because I don't forget. I don't have to think twice. There in lies the problem. Knowing where I belong comes with such a sense of safety that I tend to forget who I belong to. Now, consciously I know it's more important to remember who's I am, but most of the time it's easier to react instead of respond. I was driving home from church last night strongly missing home and I found myself asking God if I could move back home. It felt so good to be breathing fresh air again, to feel like myself again. I took the long way home because I wanted to feel it all again! But when I let my thoughts quiet down just enough I heard God tell me, "you can't stay". I wanted to ask why, but I already knew the answer. I can't stay because He's calling me to something greater then comfortability. He's not calling me to belong to a place but to Him. Part of me wants to argue that something that feels so right can't be wrong, but I have a feeling it would be futile. I know He would let me plead my case but when I finally paused to take a breath He would still tell me, "you can't stay".

It's Stupid but I Have To

So this afternoon (technically yesterday afternoon) I was working with my little cousin on his science project. The subject is air pollution and so we were gathering together all the required facts because the final project is due Monday. Well then my aunt showed up.


Now my cousin already has issues with paying attention, he and school do not get along at all. (Sadly nothing seems to catch his interest no matter what I do.) Anyway, my aunt joins us at the table and starts yapping, which doesn't at all help improve his ability to focus. Mid me trying to explain the difference between primary and secondary pollutants my aunt chimes in with this idiotic statement..."wood is an air pollutant." (she was entirely serious too.)


Just so were all on the same page I googled the definition of AIR POLLUTION:


Air pollution occurs when the air contains gases, dust, fumes or odour in harmful amounts. That is, amounts which could be harmful to the health or comfort of humans and animals or which could cause damage to plants and materials.


Apparently she missed the part where air pollutants actually have to be in the air! As I tried to explain to her why it wasn't considered an air pollutant she continued to tell me I was wrong and then asked if metal was! (are you kidding me?!)


Now I'm not afraid to be wrong, and if she had challenged me and had been right I would have corrected what I had said (and taught my cousin). However I wasn't wrong and instead of lettting it go she persisted. (chances are good that in my frustration, even hours later, I may be making this sound worse then it was, but I was really really frustrated!!) And even though I don't appreciate the needless dicussion what she doesn't get is that her lack of understanding the subject couldve waited, she's not the one that needs to know the information solidly by Monday and her questions managed only to confuse an already confused mind.


*sigh* ....I think that I'm done! (I will not make a habit of this, venting in such a direct way, it's rather distasteful, but tonight it's what I needed.)

What Are You Suppose to Say?

There are moments, moments that last a mere breath when something needs to be said. Moments where the words uttered need to be filled with hope, assurance, wisdom, and love. And those words, whatever they are need to be said with such passion and belief so that the souls they fall on will believe them too.

Why is it always those moments, when words are needed MOST, that it feels as if there are none? It's as if our minds have forgotten how to form a sentence and before we remember how the moment passes. The world exhales, it's expectation of finding no solace having been met.

"take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time. raise your hopeful voice you had a choice you made it now. falling slowly, sing your melody, I'll sing along."

Homesick

They tell me that coming home from vacation and then realizing you miss the home that you moved from is normal. Ive never been keen on 'normal', but wishing away this longing hasnt worked yet so I will just have to deal with it I suppose, or give into it. (And the plan is to go home for a week at the end of the month.)

But in light of being homesick Im realizing its more than home that I miss. I miss 'me'. Theres something about where you grew up and who you grew up with that you cant duplicate no matter where you go. Theres usually only one place that people say will always be home and they choose that place because it incites something in them, it does something that no other place on earth can do. It makes them breathe in a way that no other place can or will. That is the feeling that I am longing for.

I just want to breathe again, and its not about what Im breathing, but how. Home, Eugene, though the air is literally fresh its a place that my soul can breathe fresh air and do so freely. Thats what I miss. I miss being around people who know who I am so that they can remind me when I forget. I miss that feeling of belonging because of how Im different, not how Im like everyone else.

"What if I fall, and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me? What if I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me? If I forgot who I am, would you please remind me. Oh, for without you things go hazy." (Hazy by Rosi Golan)