Super Trooper

You get to thinking that you can do it all. You let yourself believe that you can face anything and come through it all completely unscathed. You let yourself live as if it isn't going to bother you simply because you don't like being bothered. You could find yourself in the same situation a hundred times and it won't effect you, but there's always going to be that one that grabs ahold of you and doesn't let go. I found myself there this morning and I was literally pushed out of the way because I couldn't function. Every other time I had been able to push through it, see it through to the end and then lose control, but not this time. I stood in silence, shaking, waiting to feel normal again. I waited for a long time, and I'm not sure I'm totally there yet. I don't know if I will ever feel the same way again. But I was reminded that just because I can do it all doesn't mean it's good for me. I can't be the super trooper I have been known for. No one expects this to be easy for me, no one except for me. No one expects me to be in control, no one except for me. But I don't know how to live without the facade of either one. 

Doing Away With Words

We were just sitting there. T.V. on in the background. Dogs attempting to get comfortable. But those were the only noises. We hardly looked at each other, let alone uttered a word. We knew that we didn't have to. There was nothing new to talk about. We already knew what the other was thinking, we were thinking it too. And the feelings, those hadn't changed in months and a conversation about them was unlikely to change them now. It was unnecessary, so why ruin a perfectly perfect moment with words? We could talk until we were blue in the face, we could journey every road through conversation and we would still end the journey in the same place. It takes much more to sit and be still and enjoy the moment for exactly what it is. Difficult and beautiful. Bitter and sweet. Painful and peaceful. You don't always need words to experience both extremes and sometimes those moments come and go with greater ease when they do so unannounced and unexplained. So there we sat, watching her chest rise and fall, without speaking a word. It was perfect. 

They All Want To Know

They all want to know what they can do for me. They all want to know what they can bring me or what they can say to make this better. I wish I had an answer that somehow seemed like fulfilling my request would be enough. But the truth is that isn't possible. They all want to know what they can do for me and the answer is nothing. You can't hold me because I don't want to be touched. And you can't listen to me because I don't feel like saying much. You can't help me sleep because I don't like what I dream. You can't bring me food because it will go to waste because I won't eat. You can't tell me it's going to be okay because I won't believe it's true, at least not yet. I know they all mean well, and I value the intentions, it just isn't time for any of that yet. 

Q? and A:

Q: Do you have a best friend?
A: I used to.


Q:What happened?
A: We changed.


Q: What do you mean 'changed'?
A: I wanted to know how I was beyond my relationships and my job. I wanted to know if there was more to be then what I liked doing and what I dedicated my spare time to. I wanted to know 'me' beyond everything that was familiar and comfortable. And she wanted to get married.


Q: And is she, getting married?
A: Yeah, in a month.


Q: Are you going to the wedding?
A: The jury is still out on that one.


Q: Why is that? 
A: It's supposed to be the happiest day of her life. Being her 'best friend' should automatically make me want to celebrate that day with her, that day and all the days leading up to it. But for me that day and all the days between now and then only serve as reminders of how different things are. Being a thousand miles away makes it easier to forget the strain, and I like it that way. If I close the distance gap it becomes more difficult. 


Q: Do you want to go to the wedding?
A: The answer to that depends on the day. Yesterday I would have said 'no'. However today is a different story, today I would say 'yes',  I do want to go. A year ago I was supposed to be there for all of it. The first to find out about the engagement. Planning the bridal shower and the bachelorette party. I was supposed to help coordinate the wedding. I was supposed to get fitted for a dress and stand next to her as she said 'I do'. But none of it went the way it was 'supposed' to. The wedding day is the only moment I have been invited to be apart of. Today, I don't want to pass that up.


Q: Do you think the strain will end? That things will get 'better'?
A: I hope so, but I try not to think much about it.


Q: Do you think your 'best friend' feels even a fraction of the torment you have?
A: I honestly don't know. I think I would be surprised to find out she did. I would be even more surprised if she was the one that told me.


Q: Do you resent her at all?
A: I wish I could say no, but I don't think I can, not today at least. Ask me again tomorrow. 


Q: Last question, if she called you and said she was sorry and needed you would you be there?
A: Without a doubt. 

It's Been One Of Those Days...

Blah blah blah blah blah...that's how I feel. Exhausted. Emptied. Unmotivated. And seemingly for absolutely no reason, which makes it more frustrating! However I'm sure there is a reason for my moodiness, but I don't want to take the time to figure it out because I've already spent enough time in my head. I don't want to be there anymore. So annoyed!!!