I Did Something I Don't Do

In February of 2009 my grandmother was diagnosed with stomach cancer. This past February I moved to LA to be with her. My friends knew what I was doing. My family knew what I was doing. And most days I know exactly what I did. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't get asked how I am doing, my typical response is 'I'm fine'. In my mind that's a middle of the road answer, I'm not great but I could be a lot worse, so I'm fine. Most of the time I am fine (and believe me I relish in the great days and shake my fists at the shitty ones), but there is a reason that 'most' and 'all' are different words with completely different meanings. I knew that there was going to come a day when I wasn't fine, when there weren't even going to be words to describe how bad I was doing; that day came a lot sooner then I was expecting! That day came three days ago. 


I cried for hours and for seemingly no reason last Thursday night. Nothing had happened. Nothing about my situation had changed. My reality didn't become more real. I was just tired enough to not have the strength to fight the tears and once I surrendered there was no stopping them. Typically in moments like this I try to sleep, I shut off the computer, I turn off the cell phone, I sit in the dark. I shut the whole world out because the world doesn't need to see it and I am not sure the world would know what to do with it. However this time was different. 
I kept the light on. I sat in front of my computer. I picked up the phone. 


There is a reason that there are so many people, we were made for each other. We were made to love, protect, comfort, and need one another. I have the easiest time letting the rest of the world need me, but I am awful at telling anyone that I need them. Unfortunately it hasn't worked out well for me in the past and when my heart is already hurting the last thing it wants is a reason to fear that it will hurt more. Trusting myself instead of someone else makes sense to my heart, but that also usually means it's the last thing I should decide to do. Your heart will look out for itself, it doesn't care if your mind needs a voice of reason or if your body needs arms to hold it. Three nights ago I decided that I wasn't going to let my heart win this time. I was just comfortable enough in my frailty that I decided to tell someone I needed them. I had never done that before, never told someone that I don't know how to need someone else. I know how to appreciate someone that is there for me but I don't know how to ask for it and it's scary, because what if they say no? Normally I would be sure that I couldn't handle that, but three nights ago I didn't care. 


I did something I don't do. I don't let knew people in, and I don't tell them to their face that I don't do that. I guess you could say that I did two things that I don't do. My vulnerability was met with a massive hug and the reassurance that they were always going to be there for me! I dared to do something different and I thought it was going to be a mistake. The morning after I confessed that the deepest parts of who I am are barely holding it together regretted my confession and wished that I could take it back. I am glad that I couldn't. 


We need people, and other people need to know that they are needed. If you're like me then do something you normally wouldn't do. Tell someone you need them, say, "I need you", and you won't regret it. And don't ever let anyone tell you that you are wrong to need someone!