Eleven for 2011

1. Love deeper
2. Laugh harder
3. Speak more encouragingly
4. Listen well
5. Forgive quickly
6. Anger slowly
7. Dream bigger
8. Hope stronger
9. Believe fiercely
10. Trust faster
11. Risk everything

Eyes Wide Open

They say that love is blind, but I disagree, at least when it comes to real love I do. Christ didn't come with a message of blind love. He did not ignore the faults or mistakes of those He spent His time with, in fact those were often the things that He addressed first. 


This past year has had numerous challenges, and within each challenge has been an invaluable lesson. The lesson that I have come to appreciate most is loving someone with my eyes wide open. It's one thing to love someone without ever really knowing them, it's quite different to love someone knowing all of who they are. It's something that God can do in a matter of minutes, He can see all of who you are and love you anyway. We are not God, and He knows that, that's why He has designed it that we learn to love all of someone in small doses. The durations of the journeys are significantly different, but the desired end result is the same.


"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." -John 13:34-35


I would never wish that anyone love another blindly. There is nothing more rewarding or powerful then being able to say that your actions come from a pure, wide-eyed love and you didn't need another reason. Christ hung on the cross because His love for us was that immense and His eyes weren't closed to the depths to which we are capable of falling. If I want to emulate anything from Christ, I want that to be it.  

New Year's Resolution

I have never done a New Year's resolution, and I don't mean that I have never kept one, I mean I have never made one. I've never really believed in them, maybe at one point in time they were goals people set and actually met, but with every year that passes the New Year's resolution becomes just another thing to do, like kissing your loved one at midnight. I don't see any point in making a resolution if you have no intention of keeping it. But with 2011 around the corner and my desire for it to be different from any other year in my life, I'm thinking why not start it differently? 


I took my cousin to get her tattoo yesterday. We spent five hours in a cubicle while she got poked and bled all in the name of decorating her body talking about everything from boys to work to what's next. Somewhere during the course of the conversation my grandma and my role in her life over the last year came up, and though it is hard to talk about it's never a conversation I would shy away from. This time, however, it was different. I was telling a stranger about what happened, but I was doing it in front of someone who was there with me, someone who watched it all happen. My cousin saw the best and worst sides of me over the last year, she saw the tears, heard the frustrations. When I needed someone I found myself on her doorstep. Every other conversation about the past year that we (my cousin and I) had with an 'outsider' I let my cousin do the talking, this time she was busy trying not to scream. I had almost forgotten she was sitting there until she chimed in with, "She handled it better then most of the family did." 


I didn't know she had been watching. Well, I take that back, I knew she was watching, I just didn't realize she was watching me. She was down in the trenches with me, I didn't have time to watch anyone, I didn't think anyone else did either. I was wrong. 


All of that to bring me to my "resolution". Whether I like it or not and whether I wanted it or not I have an audience of at least one, four with absolute certainty, and plenty more I'm sure I'm unaware of. That's a good size circle of influence. Whatever I do will either motivate someone to follow my lead or someone else's depending on whether or not they like what they see. So my resolution is to pay attention to what I'm doing, because if people are going to be watching me I want them to see something worth seeing. 

What God Has Joined Together...

"What God has joined together, let no man separate." 

-Mark 10:9

If there was a biblical catch phrase for weddings this verse would be it, but I don't want to talk about weddings this time. 


Things are always clearer in hindsight, that fact is a blessing and a curse all in itself, but this time hindsight is a blessing through and through! Tragedy is capable of one of two things, making or breaking a person's spirit, and what it does to one's spirit will effect every aspect of their life. As my grandmother's passing became more and more of a reality many of us questioned the direction it would push us individually and consequently as a family. It would've broken my grandmother's heart if her death broke us apart, if we stopped being family simply because the strongest bond between us all was her and she was gone. That would've been unacceptable to her and I believe it would've been unacceptable to God. I have relationships with people in my family that I never thought I would, I have stronger relationships with others that I didn't think could get stronger. I reconnected with people that I lost touch with. It's sad that it took my grandmother's death to make it happen, but it's the best way that we, as a family, could honor her. 


I didn't get to pick my family, God gave it to me. I don't think I could have picked a better one to be apart of had He let me. And tragedy didn't break my family, that's one more thing that my grandmother can dance in Heaven about. 

To Dust You Shall Return

For every one thing that you consider difficult when losing a loved one there are two things you won't even have reason to think about until after they're gone. I considered all the obvious ones while she was still alive. I knew waking up in the morning was going to be hard. I knew driving her car without her next to me was going to be hard. I knew the holidays were going to be hard. I knew that sitting outside in the back enjoying the sun was going to be hard because those are all things we've done together my entire life (except for the driving part). I knew the memorial service was going to be hard, but that is sort of the point, giving the family an opportunity to openly grieve together. Like I said, I was prepared (as much as one could be) for the obvious ones. 

It never crossed my mind that spending time with her brothers and sisters would be hard. I never thought that having her dogs in my lap would be difficult, but it is, because that's not where they would be if she were here. I never thought I would wrestle with the decision to watch her take her final breath after I had already made it. It's been nine days, I can't take it back, but every morning I wish I hadn't and every night I'm glad I did. I never thought that not actually saying the word 'goodbye' would be harder than saying it, but it is. I never thought about how present the emptiness was going to be. I didn't think that at the slightest hint of disrespect for my grandmother, her body, or my family I would be outraged. Turns out it didn't take much at all. But most of all I didn't think about how I would feel when her remains were brought home.

It took a week for the doctor to sign the death certificate (the reason for my outrage) and then she was cremated. Initially I wanted my grandmother's remains at home, where they belonged. Last night I got the phone call saying that I could come and pick her up when I wanted. I went first thing this morning. 15 death certificates and a box full of ashes in a decorative paper bag with the Hollywood Forever logo on it. Now that description may sound disrespectful, but I assure you it isn't. For those who have never experienced something like this before I want you to get a clear picture. You walk into the lobby and tell the receptionist the reason for your visit, then minutes later someone comes from another part of the building carrying a bag and papers for you to sign. In those few moments I realized that the woman who was 4'6" at the time she died and stood just below my shoulder would (if I set her on the ground), in her urn, barely come mid-calf. Reality is a funny thing, and this morning it hit me like a ton of bricks.

From dust she came and to dust she did return, but the only thing the mortuary service managed to return to me is her body and the ashes of purple orchids and a willow tree. But that's not really what I want sitting just outside my bedroom door. I wish they could have given me her laugh or her smile. I wish they could have given me the way she would hit me when I was being a pongolo or her kisses. I wish they could have given me the way she said 'Mija' or how she would tell my baby cousins, "Kiss Grandma". Everything of who my grandma was is safely tucked away inside the minds and hearts of everyone that knew her. I don't want the thought of her ashes in my head, I don't get wanting it in my living room. 

Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that her body is safe, even if it looks more like sand then a body, but they didn't give me back my grandmother. They gave me the house her spirit dwelt in, the shelter that housed her mind, heart, and soul. 

Without those her ashes may just as well be ashes.