A rather large and unpleasant change announced its presence in my life at the beginning of this year. My initial reactions were anger, sadness, isolation, and to pretend that it wasn't actually happening. It was the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality at its best. The interesting thing about all the different ways we can choose to deal with change is that they all have one thing in common, none of them keep the change from happening! We either get to participate in it or we don't, but either way it's coming whether we like it or not. I did not like this change, hence the way I was behaving. However, though I was angry and sad and didn't feel like being around anyone because I didn't feel like anyone understood me, I wasn't making anything easier on myself.
It's only been recently that I was willing to accept this change, but in my acceptance of this one there were several smaller ones that followed in its stead. Each unpleasant in its own way and each time I had to consciously choose to let the change come and not to fight it. An interesting thing happens when you decide to surrender your right to fight a move of God (another misconception is that we have that right, we really don't). God's word says that He works out everything for the good of those who love Him, so if I love Him, then no matter how much I hate what's happening it's still going to work out for my good. Now I have to remember that it's going to work for my good according to His will, but if it's for my good it really can't be that bad even if it's not what I envision.
The smaller changes that I mentioned, they're changes that I didn't see coming. (Unfortunately, the big change that came, that I sort of watched unfold.) And with each one I would ask God what He was doing to me. God will answer our questions when we are ready to hear the answers and so it took a little while of me asking before He shared with me the why. In short, it's because He loves me. However the long version is that He knows what's important to me. He knows the depth of love that runs through me because He gave me the ability to go that deep (and deeper still). He knows that I would do anything to protect what my heart cherishes. Now, when we tell God (or someone else) that we would do anything there is usually a string attached, the more truthful statement would be 'anything, but...' (and you can fill in the blank). The thing that I hold dearest to my heart are the relationships with the people in my life and my 'anything, but...' statement usually reads, 'God I will do anything but walk away'.
I wrestled for a long time with abandonment issues, deep ones, and every so often I still do. Something will come up that I didn't know was still lingering and I need to receive more healing. But I still have not settled with how walking away from someone, how after holding them so close that letting them go could be the best thing for them, because it wasn't the best thing for me. My past is littered with moments where I have been held close and then thrown across the yard like the morning paper. It's not a very good feeling and I have never wanted to be the one to dole something like that out. Again, God knows the desires of my heart and He never intended anyone to abandon or know the pain of abandonment. My cry, to not be associated with that in any way is a good thing! It is a cry after my Father's own heart. However there is a fine line between not abandoning someone and becoming their savior. I was never meant to play that role either.
A few days ago God and I were having a conversation and we were talking about how He spoke to me about a specific relationship in my life. He told me that if I wanted to care for it properly that I was to give Him back the gift that He gave to me. This person is an incredible joy to have in my life and in the beginning giving the gift back wasn't hard, in fact it was such a joy; it was like we were playing hot potato with it. God would give it to me and then I would give it back and then He would give it back in greater measure, it was incredible! But when other areas in your life start to undergo spiritual surgery or natural change it is easy to get distracted. It is easy to get careless. It is easy to hang onto the good thing with more diligence because fear creeps in and you worry that you're going to lose it along with everything else. And in a sense, that's what happened. Then God showed me a new picture. In this new picture I was embracing this gift, but this gift was still in Papa's hands. He didn't hand it over to me, He just extended His reach to me. In order to embrace the gift I also had to embrace His hands. If I truly love and cherish this gift like I claim to then I will do whatever is required to love it.
That's the way we are created to work. If we're going to love others then love God first and love them through Him. It's that simple. Love doesn't mean that we do everything, it means that we do what is required by the example that has been set for us. There have been plenty of relationships in my life where I have done everything thinking that I was loving well only to come to the end and realize that I completely missed the point. The tendency is for us to play the victim and say that everyone, even God, is out to ruin our lives when that isn't true, especially of Him.
I don't like the change that is taking place in my life right now, not the big one or the smaller ones and I may never like them. I don't understand at this point what good can come from them, but that doesn't mean good won't come. Everything in me wants to fight the changes with everything I have, but it is a great tactic of the enemy to distract me with a battle that I can't win and I won't fall into that, not this time. There's an incredible peace that comes when you decide not to argue with the Maker of the Universe.
We are the change that the world is waiting for, but that means we have to know how to deal with change when the change comes.
