Something I Wonder About...

I want to know what makes me tick. I want to know why I do the things that I do. I want to know which event in my life set off whatever pattern I may have developed. I want to why something I'm doing isn't working and what I can do to change that. Sometimes my need to know the 'why' behind the 'what' is infuriating, to me because it makes it near impossible to lose my conscience even just for a second and my brain is rarely ever quiet. But being able to connect my past to my present helps me to see my growth as person, it's the proof that i need. I don't need someone else telling me how far I have come, even though it is nice to hear, because sometimes another's opinion doesn't matter the way they would want it to. Being able to look at my life and see how far I've come is good for me.


Here's what I don't get...


I don't understand why someone wouldn't want to know those same things about their self. Why don't some want to know what makes them tick? Why do some people want to understand their reasons behind their actions? Truth be told not everything we do turns out the way we wanted to when we started out and if we don't at least dare to glance at why then chances are good that we will repeat the steps that lead us to disaster. So why then would someone choose not to look?


And...


If there is anything worse then simply not looking, it's looking and then ignoring. What is the point of asking for helping, or searching for the 'whys' if, once you find them, you do nothing with them? It can't be because you want to pretend for the sake of others, eventually time will tell that the help you sought after isn't doing any good because nothing has changed. And yet people do this on a daily basis, they choose to simply not see things and hope that next time it will work out differently.


I was talking about this with a friend and she told me to ask God when I get to Heaven. In all honesty I don't think that I am going to care much when I get to Heaven, but God if you feel like answering me now that would be great!