Releasing the Pressure

Do you ever feel like you're the soda in a 20oz bottle that someone has shaken up and you're just waiting to explode? Now any person who was paying attention would slowly release the pressure before attempting to take a drink of that soda. I suppose what I'm getting at is that I have learned to control my emotions that way.

Shake me up a little and I'm alright. Shake me up a lot and I'll explode, on the wrong person too because by that time, by the time all the pressure has built up the right person to explode on won't be around anymore. I don't like creating extra messes, mainly because I don't want to have to clean up more than is necessary. So, to avoid that I learned to slowly release the pressure, a little here and a little there, till eventually you can twist the cap all the way off (or open that part of my heart all the way up) without fear of getting covered in a sticky mess. It sounds like a good plan. Most of the time it is. But it only really works if you continue to consistently release the pressure little by little; that's the part that I am not so good with. I will release the pressure a little bit and then forget, I close the lid tightly and let the pressure build again. Or I go totally flat to the point where I'm not feeling anything. Neither is very good.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at by saying all of this. I think I just needed to say it out loud, or see it written down, I don't know. I don't really recommend my method, but by that same notion sometimes releasing the pressure a little at a time is the only way to do it. Sometimes it's the only way that I can handle it. Sometimes the person I am most afraid of exploding all over is myself, which doesn't make the most sense, but sometimes I wonder if I release all the pressure at once then will I be unable to clean it up?

It's interesting, the ways we learn to protect ourselves from even ourselves.

Sometimes I Just Don't Know...

God is a God of revelation. He loves to let us in on the secret! But God is also a God of mystery, for without mystery there would be no secret to tell. He is as good at keeping the secret as He is at revealing it. He's consistent that way. The danger for us is that we get complacent or impatient and we lose interest in something full of His greatness and glory.

It happens a lot in relationships and that's sad, because it was never meant to be that way. But we get to thinking that we know someone, we begin to anticipate their responses, their decisions, and their heart until eventually they feel as though we have put them in a box that says we have them figured out. That's suffocating for the person inside and controlling for the one who put them there. I hate feeling like someone has figured me out and I hate it when people treat me like they have. I've noticed that I've stopped doing certain things or saying certain things because I've heard it so often that I just shouldn't do that or that it isn't me. Sometimes people even tell me that God does talk to me 'like that' even though I'm the one that had the conversation with Him and He absolutely does. And I LOVE that He talks to me on a level that makes sense to me, that gets me to laugh even when I'm crying or gets me to shut up when I feel like I still have so much to say. I LOVE that He can do that!

I am not against God bringing revelation about myself to someone else and that someone else telling me. I'm against that revelation being used against me. I'm against being bullied by something that God found reason to trust that person with. I am not perfect either and I have put people in boxes, but relationships get really old really fast that way. Lately I constantly find myself being surprised by people in my life; just when I think I have them figured out they do something (any size of something) just to remind me that I don't and that I probably never will. I LIKE that too.

I like that there will always be something to learn about the people I hold closest. I like that if I'm really honest then iron will always sharpen iron. I like that I have the choice to never get bored in my relationships. If God is great at both keeping secrets and revealing them then shouldn't we be great at anticipating that there will always be a secret to be told, there will always be something glorious that we don't know, that He is waiting to tell us?

Relationships at their best are indeed work, but that doesn't mean work can't be fun!

Love ALWAYS...

"It ALWAYS protects, ALWAYS trusts, ALWAYS hopes, ALWAYS perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:7

Love ALWAYS...

Love is so much more than a word, so much more than a feeling. Love is not only a verb as it stands alone, but it ALWAYS attaches itself to another action word. Trust. Hope. Protect. Love is ALWAYS doing something. There is nothing half done about it.

Just imagine with me, for a moment, a relationship where love ALWAYS went beyond the expectation. A relationship where love ALWAYS tried to outdo itself instead of outdo the other person. That's what Love Himself did. He created the universe and it was good. He created man and woman and that was good. Then He sent His Son to pay for what humanity had done and that was good; that was perfect. And now, everyday, He shows something more, something bigger, something greater than ourselves.

He says, "You shall love Me because I have ALWAYS..." (fill in the blank). What has He ALWAYS done for you? What had Love ALWAYS done for you?

There are plenty of ways to love wrong, but only one way to do it right, and that is ALL the way! ALL the time! ALWAYS!

Sometimes love will look like patience, or grace, or even silence. Sometimes love will be letting go, accepting change, even moving on. Sometimes love will feel thankless, meaningless, and sometimes it's exhausting. But love is ALWAYS present when the heart is willing to do it right, whatever the cost of that may be.

LOVE ALWAYS...

Change Is A Different Sort of Thing

When you think about it, there are so many ways to deal with change. We can fight it, we can run from it, we can pretend it isn't happening, we can get angry with it, we can isolate ourselves, and the list goes on and on. Right now, change is something that I am learning to deal with in a healthy way, and it's not easy. Change stands like an adversary, towering over the creature of habit in me that likes the predictability of certain things because I find comfort in them. But the risk with comfort, with the exception of finding comfort in God, is that you become lazy and complacent. We hit a wall and wonder why we can't break through it or climb over it and it's because we take for granted what mystery and change and a lack of comfort can do for the spirit. 

A rather large and unpleasant change announced its presence in my life at the beginning of this year. My initial reactions were anger, sadness, isolation, and to pretend that it wasn't actually happening. It was the "out of sight, out of mind" mentality at its best. The interesting thing about all the different ways we can choose to deal with change is that they all have one thing in common, none of them keep the change from happening! We either get to participate in it or we don't, but either way it's coming whether we like it or not. I did not like this change, hence the way I was behaving. However, though I was angry and sad and didn't feel like being around anyone because I didn't feel like anyone understood me, I wasn't making anything easier on myself. 

It's only been recently that I was willing to accept this change, but in my acceptance of this one there were several smaller ones that followed in its stead. Each unpleasant in its own way and each time I had to consciously choose to let the change come and not to fight it. An interesting thing happens when you decide to surrender your right to fight a move of God (another misconception is that we have that right, we really don't). God's word says that He works out everything for the good of those who love Him, so if I love Him, then no matter how much I hate what's happening it's still going to work out for my good. Now I have to remember that it's going to work for my good according to His will, but if it's for my good it really can't be that bad even if it's not what I envision. 

The smaller changes that I mentioned, they're changes that I didn't see coming. (Unfortunately, the big change that came, that I sort of watched unfold.) And with each one I would ask God what He was doing to me. God will answer our questions when we are ready to hear the answers and so it took a little while of me asking before He shared with me the why. In short, it's because He loves me. However the long version is that He knows what's important to me. He knows the depth of love that runs through me because He gave me the ability to go that deep (and deeper still). He knows that I would do anything to protect what my heart cherishes. Now, when we tell God (or someone else) that we would do anything there is usually a string attached, the more truthful statement would be 'anything, but...' (and you can fill in the blank). The thing that I hold dearest to my heart are the relationships with the people in my life and my 'anything, but...' statement usually reads, 'God I will do anything but walk away'. 

I wrestled for a long time with abandonment issues, deep ones, and every so often I still do. Something will come up that I didn't know was still lingering and I need to receive more healing. But I still have not settled with how walking away from someone, how after holding them so close that letting them go could be the best thing for them, because it wasn't the best thing for me. My past is littered with moments where I have been held close and then thrown across the yard like the morning paper. It's not a very good feeling and I have never wanted to be the one to dole something like that out. Again, God knows the desires of my heart and He never intended anyone to abandon or know the pain of abandonment. My cry, to not be associated with that in any way is a good thing! It is a cry after my Father's own heart. However there is a fine line between not abandoning someone and becoming their savior. I was never meant to play that role either. 

A few days ago God and I were having a conversation and we were talking about how He spoke to me about a specific relationship in my life. He told me that if I wanted to care for it properly that I was to give Him back the gift that He gave to me. This person is an incredible joy to have in my life and in the beginning giving the gift back wasn't hard, in fact it was such a joy; it was like we were playing hot potato with it. God would give it to me and then I would give it back and then He would give it back in greater measure, it was incredible! But when other areas in your life start to undergo spiritual surgery or natural change it is easy to get distracted. It is easy to get careless. It is easy to hang onto the good thing with more diligence because fear creeps in and you worry that you're going to lose it along with everything else. And in a sense, that's what happened. Then God showed me a new picture. In this new picture I was embracing this gift, but this gift was still in Papa's hands. He didn't hand it over to me, He just extended His reach to me. In order to embrace the gift I also had to embrace His hands. If I truly love and cherish this gift like I claim to then I will do whatever is required to love it. 

That's the way we are created to work. If we're going to love others then love God first and love them through Him. It's that simple. Love doesn't mean that we do everything, it means that we do what is required by the example that has been set for us. There have been plenty of relationships in my life where I have done everything thinking that I was loving well only to come to the end and realize that I completely missed the point. The tendency is for us to play the victim and say that everyone, even God, is out to ruin our lives when that isn't true, especially of Him. 

I don't like the change that is taking place in my life right now, not the big one or the smaller ones and I may never like them. I don't understand at this point what good can come from them, but that doesn't mean good won't come. Everything in me wants to fight the changes with everything I have, but it is a great tactic of the enemy to distract me with a battle that I can't win and I won't fall into that, not this time. There's an incredible peace that comes when you decide not to argue with the Maker of the Universe. 

We are the change that the world is waiting for, but that means we have to know how to deal with change when the change comes. 

Missions Trip to Guatemala

Hello Friends and Family, 

For most of you there is much to catch up on, however this email will be project specific. 

This past February a very good friend of mine had the wonderful opportunity to go to Guatemala with a missions team. A week later, when she came home, the first thing she said to me was, "Next time, you're coming with me." So, after much prayer and wrestling through doubts/concerns as to whether or not it was even realistic financially and simply timing wise, I am going, in June and that is why I am writing all of you. 

The trip is from June 9 to June 17th, and we will be going to Mision El Faro in Guatemala (http://www.fundacionephraim.org/Mision_El_Faro/Home.html). It is Guatemalan based, inter-denominational Christian organization that serves to bring the love of God to the people of Guatemala through camps and retreats, providing medical services, children's ministries, and much more. However, because of the favor that my friend received with those she worked along side with she was given the opportunity to lead a team from the states in doing something a little different this time around. We have a team of six going, several with the heart to bring the arts to the more rural areas of the nation. I have been dubbed the one to document the trip, as well as serve wherever I may be needed, which I am very excited about. For those of you who even browse my Facebook it's not hard to see that pictures are something I take pride in. It has been several years since I have been on a missions trip and I am very much looking forward to not only the ways that I will be able to be a blessing, but also the ways that I will be blessed. 

This is the part where I ask for your help. While I wish otherwise, money is necessary to make this trip happen and the total cost is $1300.00. However, what is more necessary is prayer covering. We do not fight things of this world and prayer is important for winning the battle before we even get there. Please partner with me in whatever way you feel the Holy Spirit leading you! Some specific prayer requests of mine are:

1. That my passport comes in on time (that will be a miracle all it's own)
2. That all of my financial support comes in
3. Health and safety on the flight and the while in Guatemala
4. Unity among the team that we take for a missions trip not only tests our relationship with God but also with those we work with 

Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this and take it to the Lord in prayer! Below is a link to my PayPal account if you want to donate financially to this amazing opportunity! 

https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_s-xclick&hosted_button_id=KQ9UBSYPD9TPS

You are wonderful and I am so grateful to be able to share this journey that God is taking me on with you!

With Many Blessings and the All His Love, 

Brandi