(THE VERY ABRIDGED HISTORY: Girl and boy go to high school together for four years. After high school a year goes by and they don't see each other. Then boy shows up at girl's church one day with a mutual friend. Both boy and girl had recently come out of relationships. The details are a little fuzzy but boy and girl fall for each other thus starting the roller coaster that would last, well, up until last night!)
I gave the very, very, extremely short version of this almost four year long tangled mess because the story isn't really about him and I, it's about me. I fell fast and hard for this guy and that scared me. I usually pride myself with being very careful and thoughtful, especially when it comes to relationships because the possible damage is unimaginable and the heart of someone else, or of yourself, is anything but a toy. But the truth is, I toyed with his heart, and my own. I was more cruel to myself than he ever was to me (although knowing him he would beg to differ that fact).
You know that gut-wrenching, headache-inducing, nagging feeling you get in the depths of your soul that seems to go against everything else that your heart and your head are telling you? That's most commonly known as a conscience, but I like to call it the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, which thankfully is so much smarter than I am!
My heart and my head were constantly telling me how head over heels for this boy I was. When I was near him I would get butterflies and nervous and that would drive me crazy so I would be distant and short. No matter what I tried none of my previous relationship "rules" were applying and it was frustrating! I felt completely out of control of my emotions and therefore my actions and it's crippling for someone who functions best when the facade of being in control is intact.
Over the last four years I have experienced the entire gamut of emotions: anger, frustration, jealousy, sadness, fear, love, joy, vulnerability, impatience, and the list goes on! I've felt like an idiot for expecting too much or not enough. I've felt like a failure for not being the person for him that I thought that I should be, angry that he noticed, and at a loss because it seemed like an impossibility for me. I could go months without talking to him (and that happened on more than one occasion) but when we finally did reconnect it was always like we hadn't spent any time apart. All the feelings were still there as were all the same frustrations. I knew what I wanted but couldn't have it, and somewhere deep down inside me I knew that ultimately I was never going to. That truth however stayed buried as far down as it would let me store it; only rearing it's much wiser head when I was about to do something reckless. (Now I don't want to paint the picture that the voice inside me stopped me every single time because that would be a lie. There were a couple rather significant moments where recklessness won, and believe me, I paid for them dearly.)
All of this brings us to the events of the last few days that finally led to the long and much overdo conclusion that is last night. (BUT FIRST MORE HISTORY: When I went home in May I had a conversation with a very close friend who knows all the gory details and told her that I had finally come to the conclusion that I was indeed done and ready to move on. I saw the boy briefly when I went home, but shared none of what I had been feeling with him thinking that it would be best if we simply slipped quietly out of each others lives for a time until I felt like I could have a conversation with him without feeling like I turned into this emotional wreck! (SIDE NOTE: I swear at times I felt like I was suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder because that's how drastic my personality seemed to change.)) Last week I realized that I hadn't talked to him in over a month and decided to send him a text just to say hi. He text me back and told me that he missed me! All that mumbo jumbo about me being over him and having moved on was finally put to the test and I failed miserably!
My heart melted all over again and my spirit sank flooding my mind with the same old frustrations and my heart the same old pains. I was annoyed that I was still capable of becoming that sad, confused, stubborn little girl that I thought I should know better than. The aches returned and they only seemed to be satisfied by the fantasies that I would entertain them with, dreaming that this time would be the time that worked. I wrote my friend this after only a few hours of brooding over this on my own saying:
its lame
and stupid
and i feel like an idiot
but...
i text him (she knows who 'him is) yesterday just to say hi because i hadnt talked to him since tracy and havent seen him at all since i moved and i thought that i was over all of it so to me it didnt seem like it was that big of a deal, but...
the first thing that he text back was that he missed me and its like i turned back into this fragile, scared, confused little girl...and feeling like that makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable and excited all at the same time...
and im so tired of doing this dance...
She basically rolled her eyes and between the lines of what she actually wrote I saw what she really wanted to say, "Not this again!" No offense to her, but she was absolutely no help! I vented to God and yelled at myself, but nothing was making me feel better or giving me any sort of clarity. I knew how I felt, but also knew what I did and did not want, and had strong feelings about what I wasn't supposed to have (however I was hoping that I was wrong about that last part). Round two of using someone as a sounding board went much better, and the reason that I went to this person is 1) she had very little knowledge about the history and so didn't make me feel like an idiot, and 2) has been known to be just as neurotic as I presently felt which was another comfort. She listened and then said that I should just talk to the boy.
It was the most sound advice that I had been given because clearly doing nothing wasn't working out well, but it was a move that I still agonized over because I didn't want to sound desperate, or needy, or crazy, or pathetic. However I couldn't take it anymore! I confessed, the truth and nothing but, and when I was all done I told the boy that all I wanted from him was to know what he wanted. In the past he has been overly cautious at the wrong times when it comes to being honest with me, always worried that he would needlessly hurt me. That night (which was only a couple nights ago) there was nothing that he could have said that was going to be worse than what I was already doing to myself.
Now you can imagine what I wanted to hear from him. I wanted him to say that he loved me too and that he wanted to be with me and that he would fight to make this work. I was one for three. He does love me, he said that and I believe him. But right after he told me that he loved me he told me that he didn't want to be with me and in saying that he was saying that he was going to fight to make this toxic thing between us right, not make it work. (We could have fought to make it work from the very beginning, but we would have been more miserable than we were, and for those of you who have suffered the company of misery you know that it never travels alone.) Had we fought harder than we did to make it work we would have killed each other, because with as fiercely as I loved him I equally despised him. He has always thrilled me and aggravated me equally and to no end (which is probably why I could spend a day with him and then be fine with the complete silence for the next six months).
"I don't want to be in a relationship with you", a statement with rejection written all over it. The first time that he said something along the same lines (although it was more like "God told me I'm not the guy for you") I was devastated. I cried for days, I felt pathetic, I got angry, and my best friend had no idea what to do with me. (She from the very beginning never thought that this boy and I were meant to be and I should have listened!) This time was different, this time I was finally strong enough for the truth; the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There was a mild stabbing pain when I read those words, but what I felt more was a mixture of relief and mild excitement. We had finally come to the place where we could be completely honest with each other, we recognized the necessity of it and refused to continue playing the game. I still love him, deeply, and on some level I know that I always will, but I don't long for him anymore. The longing is gone and with it left misery and the frustrations of wanting something that I (always) knew I could never have.
Now even without all the details some of you may be wondering if I regret the tumultuous four years and the answer is no. The tears weren't fun, neither was feeling like my emotions were in control because by nature emotions are impulsive and that made me feel like an alien in my own skin. My heart broke more times than I want to admit because often it was self-inflicted and I changed my mind more often then I changed my underwear (sorry for the mental image that might have painted). But it wasn't wasted, God promises that He will use the seasons in life for the good of those who love Him and this season was no different.
The years with this boy showed me that I have more in me than the strong, stubborn, independent fraidy-cat that I have come to know and felt like I had no choice but to love. I learned that I am capable of being the girl who wants to be taken care of, protected, cherished, and what's better is I have realized that I do in fact want that. The only reason that I couldn't be that girl for this boy is that I was never supposed to be and while I either couldn't admit that or didn't believe it God knew all along and was committed to protecting me as much as I would let Him. Thankfully more often than not I tend to err on the side of caution (which believe me has it's own level of annoying). I also realized that part of my wanting a relationship with this boy was from the complications that would ensue. When it comes to relationships I am a fighter and the more of a fight it presents the more I seem to want it (not a good reason to engage in a relationship with anyone by the way).
Could this whole ordeal have been avoided had I listened, and I mean really listened to God from the very beginning? Absolutely! Would I have learned the things that I did had I listened? There's really no way to tell. I am sure that they are things that I would have had to learn sooner or later, and God would have made sure of that. What I also know is that I am glad it was this boy with which I learned these invaluable lessons! I am honored and blessed to say that our friendship can officially start now that we have cleared the air of the toxins and it feels better than I imagined it would.
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